Something About Love Or Something

I guess I'm on a roll with the entries tonight, but man...

Alright, so my boyfriend and I have decided to collaborate on a beat, "rapping" and what not. I don't really feel like I'm rapping so much as I do reciting poetry. I don't really know where the line is, but now a days, calling yourself a rapper doesn't look as good as it may have in years past. Everybody wants to be a rapper. I don't want to be a rapper. I just want to let my heart out and have it be heard the way I feel it, if it's going to be heard. I'm not trying to get picked up or signed or whatever, I really just want to share this feeling and these moments with my babe and the world that wants to hear it.

You know, I didn't expect to be like this right now. After the last few, I really didn't know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn't expecting anything. I never really do. I have my hopes and my dreams and my goals ('cause they're all different things, but that's for another entry). I hoped I'd fall for him. I dreamed I held his hand and all that. And my goal was to just see it all through and know that I followed my heart no matter how it went down. And now I'm here in the stages of what I guess would be called puppy love. The thing about me though, that people don't understand, is that that's the stage that I live in. Things will get serious, but I never lose that puppy love feeling. And if I do, something must be wrong. Even after I'm comfortable and settled in with the "routine" of lovers and relationships and whatever comes after, I won't lose the fire.

I know I've been here before. I've had this feeling before. And I've lost it and regained it and I've learned that it is possible to fall in love more than once. How would you know how to do it right if you didn't get it wrong a few times? My problem I guess is that I don't show myself the love that I should when I get in a relationship and so I don't demand that I'm shown as much love as I give out. So I give all my love and settle with whatever I'm being given and I'm okay with that. And I don't want to sound like a cliche/corny/blinded girl, but I have a feeling about this time. I mean, I know I have a feeling every time, but taking what I've learned from those times and applying it to this one, I can't find the downfalls, if there be any. I'm not trying to go searching for any, but you know, you have to make sure your seatbelt works before you get into a race car right? I guess it's like that. I'm always evaluating everything. I can't help it and I don't want to. My evaluating hasn't lead me wrong yet. It's actually when I don't follow it that I've falling off my own horse. It's only when I let go of that part of me that I end up doing things that I kick myself for later. I'm never letting go of that part of me again. I don't like that feeling I get afterwards...

Anyway, I've learned so much from my past and my present is so great. Call it what you want. I don't even care. I never do. People look down on me for feeling amazing over the simplest things, but you know what? If they had it, they would understand. Actually, if they had it more than once and weren't bitter about it. Most people are bitter from losing love so they look down on anyone else that has it or wants it...the same way old people can be bitter about losing their youth. It's the people with high numbers in age and lower numbers in blood pressure that can hang with the young crowd without bashing them for being themselves that are truly the happy ones. They live and let live. I just want to be let live. (The grammar O: )

So...I'm in the goosebumps, butterflies, sparkle in your eye stage; on the happily ever after, golden carriage and white horses page, but I enjoy every second of it as one should. The world says you have to grow up, you have to go to the next stage, you have let go of one thing and get to the next, but you know what I say? I say live and be happy. Don't worry. You have one life, spend it making it the life YOU want and let no one dictate what you do or how you feel.

That's enough for now I think...

<3
Mouse <:3 )~

Old FB Drafts

These are just some old drafts that I started writing on facebook, but never posted. I still want to share them, but not on facebook. It's too...too much. Facebook has too many expectations and judging eyes than people realize...

#1 - Sometimes I just feel like a big ball of emotion and I just want to say the things I feel...but some people don't understand what it's like to feel that way and so they tell me to keep those things to myself...there's nothing wrong with wanting to tell the world how you feel...especially when it's as strong of a feeling as this feeling I have...

Some people say I'm stuck in this fairy-tale mindset where everything is happy endings and butterflies and happiness. I'm not "stuck" in a fairy-tale mind...I'm in it on purpose...and if I want to tell someone that I love them to death, I should be allowed to without feeling like a retard. I hate it when people are like "ugh stop being all mushy and corny, etc." Just because you can't find someone to love you doesn't mean I can't show my love for someone else.

#2 - I've learned that sometimes people need a nice, long, meaningful hug from someone they love...and if you happen to be the person they love at the time the best thing to do is just hug them back. Give them a genuine hug. You never know what could be going through their minds when they decide they need a hug and maybe that hug could solve so much for them. Just hug them until they let go of you. I know some people feel awkward about standing in the middle of a room hugging for a real long time, but sometimes it's necessary...so if your brother/mother/father/cousin/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend wants one of those nice, long, meaningful hugs, give them that hug. You never know what it could mean to them.

It's Crazy Sometimes

It's crazy sometimes

How when we're apart

And I can see what you've touched

And I can still feel your heart

Papi you were right there

And it was so surreal

Like I could never get enough

Of how you make me feel

My knees still tremble

At the thought of our first kiss

A night to remember

If I could replay and reverse this

Such a surprise

Could never rehearse this

I just hope you see how much you mean

From the words in my verses

So happy that you saw me as worth it

Your patience was the key

And I trust you with this

Heart in your hand

And future visions

Never making incisions

To replace or retrace

Footsteps

No returns or exchanges

Just these words on these pages

And I just want to say this

Before my memory erases

Or I get lost in your gazes

Eyes like mazes

Layout a labyrinth for me to get lost in

Never hesitating I'm going all in

Better call Lassie cause this well was dug deep

And I'm quickly fallin'

<3

Friends?

I'm tired of arguing with the people that are supposed to be my closest friends because they don't agree with the things I do or say. I wish you would just be happy for me and leave it at that. Don't get mad at me because you don't want to hear that I'm happy with my new boyfriend. You used to get mad at me for being happy with my new girlfriend. So I've got a guy now and you're still unhappy. You know what that tells me? Between your constant annoyance with my relationships and your constant flirting when I'm not in one, you obviously want to be with me or SOMETHING. Like, what else can that mean?

And don't say it's just a joke. Taking a real feeling you have and calling it a joke doesn't make it a joke and it doesn't make it funny. It's annoying. Your cynicism isn't welcome. Your JUDGMENTS aren't welcome. You don't see me judging your actions. No, instead I try to help you when you ask for my advice and that's it. I'm not calling you "simp" whatever the hell that's supposed to be. I'm not going to say that I'm sorry because all I've done is gain a new happiness in my life. If you can't accept that without making "jokes" aka negative remarks hidden behind a facade of lighter words, then you shouldn't call yourself my friend. Friends accept each other for what they are. I accepted you. So be a friend or be gone. Life is too short to let these kinds of things into my world.

I'm not mad,
I'm disappointed.

<:3 )~
Mous3

Dear Lord...Dear Gilani...

I try. Everything that comes my way, I know I always make it through. You know, for a while I didn't know what to have faith in or who to believe in or where I go when I die or anything. Sometime last month someone said you were paving the way and opening the doors so when our time comes we have our spot up in heaven already prepared. That's how I feel. I'm not afraid to die. I swear every time I feel something hot I can't help but imagine what you must have felt that day. And then I have to hold it all back for fear of moments like this. I'm so confused. So hurt. I feel like all the tears I've ever cried have never meant more than these. All the tears wasted on stupid people that took my heart for granted. And now I cry for you. I was supposed to get photoshop for you the next time I saw you. I remember teaching Jayla how to skate a little bit. We didn't hang out much, but I understood her. I always wanted to help you understand her, too, but we were never that close really. I still looked up to you like I do my mom and your mom and granny and all the women in our family really. Part of me wanted to be just like you. I mean, I still do. I want to have that confidence and that strength. I've seen you in your down moments, too and I know you're human just like us, but I also know you were more. You inspire me to live and have faith and be so much more than I am and I know I'm doing it. I know you're proud of me, too. Just as we all are of you. Well, if you can see me now, I know you'd be giving me a hug. Tell me it's alright. I just miss you...feeling the effects of being away from home for once, too. I'll be okay. Thank you. <3

Love Always,
Nasia

Sin Palabras

There are very few moments in my life that I feel this overwhelmed with this feeling...this...THIS. This lack of words. This overflow of words. This light, floaty, walking on clouds type of hoo ha seen only in movies and novels and other such fairy-tale-like associated things. Please excuse my vocabulary, I think it's somewhere lost in the jumble of butterflies and clouds and fireworks...gotta straighten up this room, but my feet won't stay planted on the floor...<3

I'll do my best...

Sweet...sweet peas...mmm...,
<:3 )~

This Thanksgiving

I have a whole lot to be thankful for. I've got my family, though we're missing a few members, they're still here in spirit. I'm thankful for the time I got with them. I've got an awesomazing new job. I'm thankful for that. I've got my best friend out here, too, even though I left him at my mom's house to be in San Diego, but he's in Cali. That's a step. I have an awesome boyfriend who appreciates all that I do. And I'm thankful for that. It's almost been a month now and maybe too soon for any sort of *brainfart* <insert word> not assumptions but like...idunno. I'm just really happy and thankful to have him. He gets me and if he doesn't he tries to or at least just smiles and nods. Haha. Anyway, I gotta get out and be social. Hasta la pasta

Happy Thanksgiving,
Peace, Love, Happiness,
etc. etc.

<:3 )~

Upgrade

Man, there's so much stuff I need to take care of when I go back to LA. Whenever that is. Oh, I'm in San Diddy now for anyone that didn't know. Working out here with my bro now. Woah now. Mouse is collecting a lil dough now. Hahahaha. Okay I'm done. But yea, I wanna get my hair cut. Get my style in tact. Get everything just cleaned up and organized. I came out here in a quick flash. Didn't really have time to really be prepared for days like this where I'm just chilling on the couch. Like, if I had my skateboard, I'd go ride to the little downtown area that I keep seeing signs for or even to the mall or somewhere. I have a car here, but I don't wanna drive. I wanna experience the city. I'm used to exploring on my own. I did it in Florida. I did it when I came back to LA. I kinda did it in Huntington, but I usually had my lil bro with me. It still counts though. The two of us biking or skating around and going into places just 'cause. I did that in Florida. Biked to the mall or down the bike path or just anywhere with or without a friend or two. I remember one time Chris, his buddy, and I biked all the way to downtown Orlando. Through rain and cold and humidity. That was a cool adventure. I don't like adventuring in a car unless we're going waaaay far or something. We still have to get out of the car and walk around. That's why public transportation is cool. You can just get off wherever and see all the people and explore. I wanna explore Mexicali. I think that's what this is anyway. Might as well be, if it isn't already. There's gotta be something around here to catch my interest. I bet there's a poetry night at a cafe around here that I'm sooo missing out on on some night of the week. There's a yoga place around the corner that I considered walking into. I'm gonna have to make Sundays ExploreDay when I get my bike or skateboard or a scooter or SOMETHING.

It would also be cool to have my desk. Photoshopping without it can be rather...un-preferred. Stupid red ant line, go away. un-preferred needs to be a word...I use it a lot.

Anyway, gonna play in Photoshop.

Peace,
<:3 )~

Don't Read This One

Deserve and a Ranty List

You know that saying about getting what you deserve. I don't remember which one is the real one. You only get what you deserve or something along those lines. I was just thinking about it. Kinda dove into my head for a second and came out with this...they say you get what you deserve and then some complain they got things they didn't deserve...right? Like, you spend all your life being this great person and then you get crapped on anyway, right? Or someone breaks into your car and steals your radio or something. Technically, in that second situation, you didn't get anything. You just lost your radio...and a window. But anyway, everyone gets what they deserve. Sometimes it takes feeling like you didn't deserve something to know what you truly DO deserve...if that makes sense. Which actually would kind of mean that you did deserve that...for the sake of the lesson. Anyway, it's like they say about things happening. It's always for a reason. Everything has a purpose. And that purpose doesn't need to be sought out or made apparent to be relevant or important, or influential. Sometimes I think the most pointless things can be the most important things.

Hm...Between Facebook, Twitter, and this burger I lost my train of thought...guess I'll have to wait here for the next one...badum psh!

Well, new topic...

In the past few years I've learned a lot about myself and my patterns. A few of the things I've learned are listed below:

- I have done things for attention, whether it be positive or negative attention, just for the experience that comes with it.

- Blogging is NOT a good way to release your thoughts if people you actually know read your blogs. They WILL hold it against you.

- I have several people in my head. No, I'm not bipolar nor schizophrenic nor anything like that. I just keep myself split up so one emotion doesn't over rule. Sounds like a type of government policy or something. There is one "mind" that rules them all, and it is the most sensible one and the one that you see every day. All the others are just ranges of emotion.

- I still do things just to amuse myself and people still don't understand it.

- I've stopped reading my horoscope because it's depressing.

- I still read about zodiac signs because they're interesting.

- My past doesn't really haunt me. It just startles me and makes me feel temporarily awkward for brief moments.

- I take a lil' bit to warm up to people and new situations when I feel inferior or on a lower level even if they aren't trying to make me feel that way. The minute they show any sign of feeling awkward or uncomfortable, too, I open up and let go of my worries.

- I do feel the need to be impressive often.

- I already knew this, but it needs to be emphasized: My family can help me through anything.

- I push things away when I'm uncomfortable and that's the easiest way out, unless it's something that I really need to deal with and there is no other choice.

- I'm a whole lot more selfish with my heart.

- I will let go of things that disturb me a whole lot faster than I used to.

- When I say no, I mean NO. Though I hardly ever tell anyone that I can't do something for them because most of the time I can and it won't harm me to do it for them.

- The more comfortable I am around you, the more likely I am to actually talk to you about deeper topics. I'll write about it to almost anyone...look at my blog. If I don't want to talk, I will not talk, and you can either take it that I don't trust you, I'm uncomfortable around you, or it's a subject I don't think you should know about. These conditions can change at ANY TIME.

- I withhold the right to feel anyway I want at any time as well.

- I get irritated when I tell someone something more than once, but I'm patient and understand that not everyone gets it the first time, but after the second and MAYBE third time, I'll stop saying it. I'll also stop associating with you at that moment. It's not that I don't care or that I don't have time. It's that I feel like you don't respect me and don't deserve my attention any longer. It's simple...

- I like to smother those that I hold closest to my heart with compliments, gifts, hugs, or anything that will make them smile. Even if it's just doing the dishes.

- I will offer my advice to anyone that asks for it if I can. The outcome of your actions, whatever you decide to do, is a consequence of your own decisions. If something good comes out of following my advice, I'm simply glad to have helped. If not, I apologize, but it was only advice and it's what worked for me and I hope we both learn something from it. If I was actually right, well, I hope you learned something new for next time and that's all that matters.

- There are many days I look in the mirror and don't think I'm exactly pretty. I'm not being insecure or self-conscious. I'm just being critical and real with myself.

- I still take compliments weird and am strangely embarrassed by them sometimes.

- I actually do have very high standards and the more I realize what they are, the more sense it makes that they are there.

- I wish there was a way to figure out how to let God into my life more concretely without going to church. It isn't something that makes me feel any closer to him. I admire people for their religious beliefs and the strength they gain from it.

- I associate myself with judgmental people more often than I would like to, but "everyone's a little bit racist."

- If you are mad at me, I will either try to fix the situation OR ignore it depending on how I feel about why you're mad. It's rare, but if I ignore it, that's not a good thing. I probably don't care that you're mad and won't care.

- I am very easy to please, but also pretty easy to disturb.

- I have many best friends that I've made through my journey in this life.

- Only a woman will ever really understand what's going on in her head. If you think otherwise, you're already wrong. You can get close, but you will never know.

- On top of that last one, III never even know what's truly going on in my head with all that goes on up there. It's possible that something I say might contradict something else, yet they're both the truth.

- There is a name, that whenever I see/hear it, I feel a little torch light up in the center of my chest and I hear farmers with pitchforks hollering out obscenities. You might think you know it, but you don't.

- Christmas gives me that feeling of being in love.

- "Last Christmas I gave someone my heart and the very next month, they tore it apart. This year to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special." My own little spin on that song...

- I don't like the usual, but don't try to be different.

Ok, that's all for now...

<:3 )~

Poetic Disaster

There's something about standing behind a mic that makes my palms sweat like all the eyes are on me. You see there's something about standing up on a stage that makes me rewind every moment play by play because all eyes are watching every word I say and if I make a mistake well, you see. I love poetry. I love the way a simple arrangement of words can describe not only the situation but the emotions felt at the time; How people will sit at the edge of their seats when you hold on to a little bit of antici....pation. You awaken them to your world though they may never have seen anything like it, all you have to do is write and recite it and your world becomes theirs. This poem is my will and you're all the heirs. Don't worry about paying fares. The ride is free, but then again I think maybe it's just me. I get up on stage and I'm all you see and all you hear is my poetry. Hoping I could pause...just long enough to get you on the edge of your seat or maybe when I'm done I'd like to see someone brought to their feet, applauding. Just once I'd like to touch a heart so deep that someone shakes my hand when I'm done. There's something about standing in front of a crowd that makes me uncomfortable like I'm suddenly naked and all your Myspace pictures have been taken uploaded to Facebook to be liked and shared and mistaken for something it's not, but what is it? It's me, behind a mic, on a stage, in front of a crowd; Hoping one day to shake your hand proud because my arrangement of words made your heart pound a little faster. 'Til then I'll be this metaphorically naked, sweaty palmed, poetic disaster.

<:3 )~

Dear Lord

dear lord,
where does a sorrow filled heart begin?
you handed us this battle
did we win?
a question on many people's minds
with answers they can't find.
but lord i know we won.
you loaned us Gilani
as you loaned us your son.
she's in your hand now as your will be done
upon her and this family.
we hand her to you gratefully.
another angel to guide us through the haze
as we continue in these earthly days.
we know she sits beside her daughter.
though our eyes continue to water.
i thank you yet again
for granting us such a friend.
your strength through her lives on in us.
dispersed across the universe.
every heart touched by you through her.
every soul caused to stand and stir
up tears that fall upon cheeks
that create the smiles that love Gilani.
i know I'll see her again when you want me.
and it will be an honor
to sit with her again, father.

R.I.P. Gilani and Jayla
<3 Love Always,
Nasia

Connections

I've recently been talking with someone I met online. I haven't actually met her in person, but you know what I mean right? I suppose I spend enough time online, it only makes sense I'd make friends here. I mean, I kinda met Christy online. And actually, this is a similar sort of connection I'm trying to express here. Any who, I met her on a site a rarely go to. She just happened to add me one day and we started talking about stuff we're interested in what not. Idk if it's just me, but it always mazes me when someone is so much on the same level as me. Like when I first met Christy, was over Myspace, but I had actually got her info from the roommate list for school. We started talking and it was crazy how well we meshed. We ended up being roommates in college and things were just great. Christy's one of the most awesome people I know. So yea, this girl is really chill. Like, there's a level of understanding there where I can say something and she gets it. That doesn't always happen unless I've spent a lot of time around someone and even still sometimes they don't get me. I think the best part is that she loves the arts, particularly writing. And she's good with it. I haven't read very much of her stuff, but I've read enough to admire it. It's kind of like when I went to the Get Lit open mic thing with Carter and heard those kids perform. There's something about writing that gets me more than singing. If you didn't know, I've got a thing for people that can sing. Mostly I think it's because it's a skill I have yet to get close to mastering that I really wish I was better at. So with writing, I'm constantly learning because there's always new words out there and always new forms of expression through words. The first thing I noticed was her messages actually used proper grammar and if you know about me and grammar, well, I don't have to say much more. That's usually the first thing I notice when people talk to me. It's not that I judge people based on it either because I know a lot of people that don't use proper grammar and it doesn't change who they are or something. I just prefer reading messages that I don't have to guess what was meant because there was a lack of a comma or no period or something. I just highly appreciate well used grammar. Anyway, she also took the time to check out what I'm about and could actually kind of relate to it without trying to make herself sound cool like some people do. You say you draw and they suddenly know the history of the pencil. Lmao. You get what I'm saying right? I can appreciate that though. So then we exchange blogs. She tumbles. I blogger. I get to reading and am suddenly inspired. I'm not sure how she means for her stuff to sound, but I read it in my own voice and it's like the stuff the Get Lit kids were doing. It's like...idk what to call it. It's not that it was the same, because all of those kids were different, but it just hits me the same way. Like, I sit on the edge of my seat when I hear those kids. They have me laughing and crying and thinking all at once. It's crazy. Some people can do that to me with their singing, too. That's why I love singing and music altogether. Piano, guitar, voice, drums. Anything. I can feel the emotion in it and it can overwhelm me. But I'm getting off topic. This connection always gets to me. I don't question it. I just really appreciate it. I mean, were still talking and each message is just more and more like WOW why weren't we friends years ago? It's just super cool...but I'm the type of person that loves people; that enjoys making new connections with people from all over simply for the intellectual or humorous times that can be shared. People interest me. Though probably not enough to go to school to study about them. I'd rather just talk to them. It's interesting to me how people can affect me the way they do. And I love having that affect on people, too. I know she's probably gonna read this so I'm just gonna say thanks and nice to meet you. ^_^

She's not the only person it's happened with recently though. Two months ago I dove into a connection with a guy that really caught my interest. He sings and writes. And his writing captures me in that same way. It's inspired a lot of my writing and my style and even my confidence. And I appreciate him for it.

I love being surrounded by people that make me a better person and I love helping other people to better themselves. Maybe that's why I like school so much. Not only do I love learning, but I love that bond between brains. I think I've been inspired to open a new book.

Hasta la Pasta,
This mouse is reading...
[ | ] <:3 )~ (thats a book...) XD

Jayla's Poem

A lot of people asked me for a copy of this poem so here it is...

in times of pain

it seems to rain

even in this cali heat wave,

but it seems the devil is still at it.

someone's still pitching

and the devils still battin.

but this family is a million cities strong

even in our times of loss

we're still moving on.

people want to speak of karma,

the type of people I'd like to harm uh.

the world is too ugly

so the god above me

took my beautiful cousin and her faith so deep,

to his world where he knew he could keep

her safe from the monsters that sleep

in these beds and call this world home,

but jayla, your journey isn't traveled alone.

we're all here with ya.

you know we love and miss ya.

so i wrote you this song

to say, jayla be strong.

no one every knows why god works the way he does,

why he takes those we love,

but we trust in his reasoning

so we sit down this evening

and pray because those we lost may be physically gone,

but in our hearts they will always live on.

and it's alright to cry.

let it poor on this cali weather.

this family stands strong

and this family cries together.

not because we be weak

but because, strength, we got it.

every demon that comes to pass.

we charged in and we fought it.

so now jayla we fight for you.

and i ask god for the right path to show me.

i thank god for our time together

and want you to know you won't be lonely.

-Donasia Adjauni Brown <3

The Moon

It's strange. I get excited when I see the moon, especially in the day time. It was pretty large when I saw it earlier today. It just hit noon. Idk where the moon is but I saw it earlier and pointed it out. No, I'm not a werewolf. :P I do have a werewolf mask, though I keep calling it a monkey. It looks like a monkey. Weremonkey. idk. I'm not going to wear it on Halloween though. I'm going to be myself. Batman. Of course. Anyway, back to the moon. I can see "Elvis" written across the moon. I've yet for someone else to see it, too. I believe Elvis is on the moon. I'm gonna take a nap.

Hasta la Pasta,
<:3 )~

Observe Rant

I often find myself frustrated with people or things in life, but it always hits me that they probably don't have the family support and love behind them like I have. I don't get mad at people because I love who I am and won't let other people's bad energy rub off on me. My mom has been saying to all the kids not to do or say anything that doesn't come from the heart. Everything you do must come from the heart. I've realized that sometimes I don't think what I feel in my heart is right and so I won't act on it and then sometimes I find myself wanting to do or say certain things that may have been caused by others actions and in my head I feel like it's the right thing to do or say, but in my heart I know it isn't and so I don't say it because in my heart it isn't what I really feel. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to decipher what is coming from my heart and what's coming from elsewhere and so I just wait patiently for my answer. Recently I've found myself in a sort of unspoken situation that I know is there, but haven't dealt with because in my own heart I don't feel it's appropriate right now and I know that were things not as they were right now I may have dealt with this and it could have gone bad or good. But I noticed I take a lot of other people's responsibility and take ownership or a sort of self-reasoned excuse for lot's of people's actions or words in order to prevent conflicts or other unnecessary events. What I'm trying to say is, I take a lot of crap for and from people because I love them and know that I can handle taking the crap on my own than dishing it back out for people to deal with themselves. And it's not necessarily crap either. It's just things that happen or words that are said or emotions that have been held in or idk. I'm very observant and always listening to what's going on around me and just taking it in. I'm a constant sponge. A blackhole even. I can't necessarily relay all of the information back on the spot, but when the time is right I'll have a few important facts to dish out. I watch the world around me from my little bubble. This is one reason I got the nickname mouse in the first place. I was always so quiet and reserved. I kept to myself. I was always just observing. I don't ask a lot of questions. I observe and I learn. People that aren't around me 24/7 don't notice it so much anymore because I'm usually a part of what's going on instead of watching it, but lately I've been distant. Just watching. And not necessarily watching anyone in particular, but just watching. Sometimes staring off at things. I don't space out though. I'm still aware of my complete surroundings and paying attention to what's going on around me. To someone that isn't used to me in this mode, I look down or depressed simply because I'm not bouncing around and smiling and being random. The only people that seem to understand this mode is my family, of course. They've seen it for 21 years. They gave me the name mouse. Actually, the complete opposite of that mode surprises them. The fact that I can talk in front of groups (or talk at all to some) is what puzzled them for a bit. Some don't believe that either mode is me because they're only used to one side. Both are me. I am both hyper and reserved. Outgoing and inverted. I am mouse. Hidden in the shadows or on display for a science project. I adapt well to my surroundings, go to sleep late and wake up late. I'm comfortable in small spaces or large rooms. And though I might not say much all of the time, I can say a lot when I really want to. I retreat to my little bubble/room/space when I'm uncomfortable, sad, upset, or just tired. I hate for it to be invaded as it is all that I ask for.

Well I think I'm tired of writing for right now.

Hasta la pasta,
<:3 )~

God's Army

I never was very religious. I guess I can still say I'm not really because I don't believe in the type of religion that seems to sweep everyone to others' doors spreading their beliefs like girl scout cookies. I have a strong set of beliefs and faith in something, which I believe is what religion is supposed to be about. Anyway, today I saw that Steve Jobs passed and it got me thinking...a lot of great/important people have passed in the past few years. It's become almost a sort of pattern. People that were well known in society or had a large impact on it or even just brilliant, beautiful people. I say beautiful as in their souls and heart and even their physical appearance, but mostly on the inside. It got me thinking that maybe God is collecting his most beautiful creations in preparation for something or maybe just because. Maybe he sees what's going on down here and sees that they have done all they can do for us or maybe by taking them away he wants us to realize something greater than what they accomplished by being here. I feel like my cousin, Jayla, was one of the most brilliant and beautiful and fun kids I've ever known and that God didn't want her down here suffering the pains of everyday life, when she deserves to be with Him in heaven. I feel like maybe he's not taking ALL of his angels, but a large sum of them so that some can stay on Earth and keep the faith strong while his most beautiful creations can return to him and prepare for whatever his next plan is. Like I said, I'm not extremely religious, but I do have beliefs and thoughts and feelings. God took Jayla and left Gilani to be the strong messenger of God that she is. She is a symbol of strength and faith that I have always admired and God will get her through this journey that she faces to be even stronger and when her time comes she will be with her Jayla again. And so will the rest of us as we face life and death in our own time.

<3,
Mouse <:3 )~

To Miss

I've realized that missing someone doesn't consist of crying over the fact that they aren't around, but remembering the times they were around and wising you could have more of those times all at once right now. The strange thing about how I feel about everything right now, between the crying and between going on with life, I feel like one day I will see everyone again as I remember them. People always found it weird that I never really felt it necessary to say "I miss you" or that I felt awkward saying "I miss you too" when I don't really feel that way. I'm beginning to understand now why I feel like I never really miss people. I tried to explain it once like this...I know I'm going to see people again and so I don't worry about missing them or feeling sad that they aren't around. Even now, I know one day I will be beside Jayla again in our matching high top chucks celebrating our birthday together since they're only 2 days apart or eating tuna sandwiches or asking her about the book she just finished. I know this. Like, I'm completely certain of this fact, more so than I am of the things they teach in school. I know one day each person I know will be gone from me or I from them and we will be sad because there will be a gap in time where either of us will no longer be able to be around the other until that point in time that we all meet up again. I feel like it's like when I left Florida. I was sad to be leaving my friends, but I knew that I would see them all again and so I wasn't so sad. I knew I could always talk to them or at least send them a message and hope they'd send one back. I feel the same way now. I can talk to Jayla anytime I want just like before. The only thing that has changed is that I might not get her reply as soon as I'd like and I might not be able to give her a hug or hear her for a while, but one day I will. I never was the "perfect Christian" going to church every Sunday. I never read the entire bible. I don't even know if I went through first communion. But I know now that I DO have faith. Maybe before I questioned what I believed or who or how, and maybe now I'm still not completely certain as how it all makes any sense, but I know I believe in the same God that Jayla believes in. I know that she's with him and grandpa and Sanji. I know that one day I'll be there, too.

Pain is an aspect of time. Just as the seconds pass, so does pain, and so do we. </Mufasa voice>

I also know that Gilani will get through this. Many are sad because of her changed outer appearance, but Gilani's inner beauty is what has gotten her so far and what I know will continue to bring her further. 

Also, some people might be bothered by my mellower mood lately and try to cheer me up and get me back to being hyper, but that's not what I want right now. That's not what feels right. I'm okay. I'm just in a state of extreme concentration and reflection, locked up in my head right now. I don't want to talk much. I don't want to laugh at everything. I don't want to be randomly affectionate or goofy. I just want to be as I am and think about the things I think about. I always had an easier time explaining myself "on paper." I can skip the waterworks and get straight to my point, or even get to my point during the waterworks. Talking + waterworks = lots of repeating myself and/or difficulty breathing. Not good. 

Well, that's all I have to say for now.

Peace n love n stuff,

Mouse <:3 )~ <3

How Do You Feel?

Today I sort of realized something. Never ask me how I feel too much. I might not necessarily tell you exactly what I'm actually feeling all the time. I won't lie, but I won't tell you what you probably need to hear. If anything, I'll give you some skewed version of what I really feel hidden beneath a layer of nonsense that I can arrange into a logical pattern that a person will either believe or get flipped upside down and confused trying to figure out. Many times, when it's simply an emotion like sadness or anger, it'll be fairly obvious. When it's about those types of feelings that are deeper in the heart though, the ones I'm more vulnerable with, and am more confused about, try to ask only once. To simply ask puts the idea into my head that you are thinking about these things. This in turn causes me to think about these things a bit more and a bit differently. But to ask more than once or too often can become pestering. If you ask and ask and ask, I will think too much and well, if you are learning about me from this blog or already know me pretty well, you know that I think a LOT and when I think too much, things get crazy for me. So try not to pester me with questions of how I feel. If I want you to know exactly how I feel, you will know. If you are confused, I probably am, too. Or I'm stuck in my head trying to figure it out. Ask before I figure it out and you will get a fetus of an answer. Hm...it's funny...in elementary school they teach us happy, sad, angry, nervous, and other such simple words to explain how we feel. Sometimes I feel like to use one of these words would make explaining how I feel so much easier, but people don't want to hear "Oh, I'm just sad." No. They want to hear "I'm upset because blah blah blah." When I am asked how I feel, from now on, I'm going to try to match my emotion to one of these words and give my answer without explanation. And if I'm asked "well, why are you so ___?" I'm going to say "because life gave me ____ and told me to _____ today." Be it a lemon, a lime, an orange, or lemonade, or whatever else life might hand me that would cause my feelings to be questioned. Right now, I feel pretty happy. Why? Because life gave me my cake and let me eat it today.

The End,
<:3 )~

Lack of Teeth

For the second time that I can remember, I dreamed my teeth were falling out. Beside that it may have been due this time to the fact that I was laying on the floor and woke up with a side of my face feeling a bit numb and my teeth kind of hurting, this is also what I found out about these kinds of dreams...

"Dreams of falling teeth are the most common dreams that Dream Moods receives. The typical dream scenarios include having your teeth crumble in your hands, fall out one by one with just a light tap, grow crooked or start to rot. Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but they often leave you with a lasting image of the dream. So what does it mean?

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you. Your teeth help to convey an image of attractiveness and play an important role in the game of flirtation, whether it is flashing those pearly white, kissing or necking. Thus, such dreams may stem from a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. To support this notion, a dream research found that women in menopause report to have frequent dreams about teeth. This points to teeth dreams as being related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine. Teeth are an important feature to your attractiveness and how you are presented to others. Caring about how you look is natural and healthy.

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dreams may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxieties. Perhaps you feel that you are unprepared for the task at hand. However, you will find that your worries are unfounded in most cases. Sometimes what plays out in your mind is far worse than what is reality.

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say."

Based on today's events, either of these explanations are appropriate. To start, I drove all the way to my cousin's house to take her to work with me only to realize I didn't have the keys to the shop door. So I go home and get them. Making my way back to the shop I realize I don't have the towels. Actually, I didn't even wash them. Get to the shop and they barely have any towels usable for cleaning with, but we couldn't even clean the back because some machines were getting worked on. So we clean and we leave. I get home and start the washing of the towels. Once they're done, we go to the gas station and are on our way to the shop to give them the towels because they need clean towels. But OH! The towels are NOT IN THE CAR! My fault. So we go back home, get the towels, drive back to the shop and drop them off. I get home and put some ground beef in the sink to thaw while I then promptly find my way to my room and become a lifeless slab of ground beef and fall asleep in the middle of the floor...not before finishing off that last blog which I barely remember writing. So I dream my teeth are falling out. I don't remember much, but I do remember looking in the mirror and seeing my front row of teeth still intact and thinking well at least I can still take pictures, but then they started falling out, too. I had like 5 teeth left when I finally woke up and my face kind of hurt. There was a guy and a woman in my dream, too, but I don't remember who they were. I'm eating some tacos now. My teeth are not falling out. But today hasn't been my day at all. I guess for every up there must be a down? Is this the downward spiral before the upward spring that is my birthday? Maybe? I hope so...

Hasta la pasta,
Mouse <:3 )~

Complications Aside

Why does everything have to be so complicated? I started this blog to release my mind, but I don't even say everything I want to say all the time because I know people read it and I know people will judge no matter how much they say they won't. I know every line will be taken as it is written and nothing anyone can say can change what's on the internet...right? Well, I'm ignoring all of those unwritten rules and I'm saying it all right now. Complications aside...

If you haven't read much of my blog or just haven't understood that a lot of it is about my ex, well now you know, a lot of it is about my ex and the problems I've had since we broke up. What better of a place to talk about it than on the internet right? Wrong. But I do it anyway. Why girls need to talk about things of that sort is unknown to me, but if we don't talk about it, we act about it and those are the girls that guys call things that I disapprove of. Anyway, since the break up, I've tried dating. The kind where you meet someone, go to dinner or an arcade or movies or all or some combination of them and you get to know each other. Through all of it I only have one real idea, is this someone I can eventually live with? See, I'm not the type to go casual dating for years and make a real relationship with someone that I can already feel I'm not THAT into. Every decision has to be a step forward. So, a lot of these little dates have become cool friends. I'm not sure if they're okay with that, but I am. I've always had an abundance of male friends. I don't know why, but it's how it is. I relate to them better than I do with most other girls I suppose. Any who, I'm very picky. I didn't know this at first, but I know this now. And I think I should be picky. Everyone should be picky, but of course, I won't let being picky keep me from possibly being happy with someone. But yea, sometimes I encounter a male that I think I may actually want to move forward with, but then complications occur. It's been difficult getting close to people since I was hurt. And it hasn't even been a year since it happened. Mentally, I understand what's going on, but it doesn't mean it's any easier to begin anew again. So I come across someone I kinda like. He likes me, too. What a strange predicament right? Very. He liked me ALOT. Too much even. Or at least, he showed it too much. Weird? Yes. And very confusing to a lot of men. Girls complain about guys not showing they care so how is it possible to show it too much? Well, girls don't like it to be too easy, just as much as guys wouldn't want an easy girl. Simple, but not easy. Because then anyone can get her, right? Maybe. In the beginning, you can't be all about her at first. You can be in love, but the minute you tell her, if she's not that far, you might scare her away. Which is what happened. Also, the words vs. actions idea. When you say one thing and do another, the world becomes very confusing; especially if you don't know that you're doing that. In my mental state at the time, it was too much to deal with. I wanted a partner, a buddy, a boyfriend without the mental stress of having to actually think about doing something all the time. Someone that I blogged about before. Someone I could cuddle with and hang with and be happy with. Someone that would worry about you without saying it. That cared without smothering you. That you could rely on and that would also rely on you, but wouldn't stress you out. And the thing is, you wouldn't go looking for another guy, nor he for another girl. You'd be together without the "problems". Anyway, things were happening that I wasn't ready for and I had to stop it. And I was getting frustrated with it, which isn't good, but then things got kind of strange. Really strange for me actually. Every moment was just awkward between us for me, which tends to happen when I know someone really likes me and I don't as much. And even in this awkwardness, I was getting a bit frustrated. I don't know how to explain why it was happening, but it was happening. Maybe for the same reason I could never be friends with my ex the same way again. It's difficult going backwards once you've gone so far forward.

Well, all the while that this was beginning to end, I met another someone. We talked for a few days and then he kind of just stopped. I thought he was cool until that happened. Potential. Lost. I'd began to give up again. And then another came around. All this time I was also supposed to be staying single, which I am. I told my best friend to slap me or do the internet equivalent of slapping me or have my brother slap me if I even thought about being in a relationship until next year or at least my birthday or something. And then my mom proposes the notion that neither me nor my brothers can have a bf/gf until we have established ourselves better. What a great idea. So knowing that my mom was also running this picture kept me off of thinking about it for a bit and gave me more RAM to process other thoughts like work. I got an internship with a game studio and have actually been doing work with them. The FX studio I was originally supposed to be working for actually lost their project before I was even given any work to do for them. Good thing I made the decision I did to join this other place.

Well, while this internship was making its way into my life, so was someone else. And he lives pretty pretty far at the moment, but he's moving out here soon. My thoughts? This is great. I can get to know him without worrying about the whole "taking it further" business because I refuse to go through another long distance relationship, even though he IS moving to Cali soon. But either way, this way, I can get to know him first and then even more so when he actually moves out here because I am very hands on and I suppose physically oriented so until I'm actually in someone's presence and able to observe them, it's difficult to know exactly how I actually feel. Observing someone might sound creepy, but it's how I get to know people better. I haven't consciously experienced this before, but I think a person's body language makes a huge difference in whether or not I'm attracted to them. I suppose it goes back to that whole actions vs. words dilemma. The way someone walks tells me more than the words they tell me do. Makes sense to me...but uh, yea, so I'm kind of waiting for him to get out here to make any real decisions. I mean, I like him quite a bit. If you didn't know this you do now. He's been the inspiration to some of my songs and even a few raps/poems. I can't tell the difference anymore.

The only thing is...it's easier to bait my heart from afar, but even still it can be difficult. Sweet words are very enticing, but I know better now. It kinda sucks that it's that way, but it's safer for my own sake. The mere fact that I am even allowing it should say enough, and though I haven't really established myself much better than before beside that I now have actual work to take some of my time, I feel I can still establish a base to a real friendship that can become more. I don't mean friend zone friendship, I mean a trusting and sincere relationship with another human being. I guess the weird thing with me is that I put everyone in the "friend zone" first. It's more of an evaluation stage. I mean...who would make a better boyfriend than a really good friend? Right? Idk. That's how I've always been with it though. My feelings usually grow when people don't even know that I have them at all. That way they are entirely my own. No influence from the outside world. I've always been chased by people. So it kind of doesn't work when someone else suddenly tells me they like me and I don't already like them as much. I suppose it can be said I wear the pants. Idk. I just don't like to be pushed further than I'm ready to go. It actually makes me fall back further. I retreat when that happens. So if I can sort of take the lead, things only happen when I'm ready for them. The problem with this is if the other gets impatient and tried hinting at moving forward. I can take a hint and I will see it as trying to push forward and I will retreat. It's simple to me. I guess not to others. I take things really slow now and I understand why. The one time things seemed to be going good, they were actually going way too fast and fell apart. And when I tried a later time, things were going too fast and I was uncomfortable and ran away from it. It's a simple pattern. So I go slow. And I don't believe it's ever too late to jump ship. If I don't feel okay, I will take my life jacket and jump ship, whether there be sharks in the water or not. I'll deal with them when I get there, unless the captain doesn't mind paddling me back to shore, which never happens that way. No captain wants to paddle all the way back to shore to let go of their crew.

I'm getting off subject, whatever subject is...but I've been stressing lately. Mostly because of some new, but temporary responsibilities I was given. It's almost over now though. It wasn't so bad, but it was enough. Dunno why I'm even thinking about relationships and what not. I need to get to business. Birthday. Don't fail me.

Breaking (It) Down

Is it really progress when you can still fall back into the same hole over and over? I'm not angry anymore. And not exactly sad either. Well, sort of. I had a dream...or nightmare. Whichever you prefer to call it. He came back and I let him. Would I do that in real life? I'd like to say no. I'd like to say I'm done with it as I have before, but that's not entirely how I feel anymore. When I was sad, in the beginning, I probably would have said yes in an instant. When I was angry, I probably would have stabbed him at the very thought of it. And now, I don't know what now. I've evaluated it all and I feel like there was no sense in being so angry beside that he hurt me. Shouldn't that be enough to say no forever? Not at all...because forgiveness changes those things. I tried talking to him again not too long ago. One of those "hey how have you been" kind of conversations. Catching up on what's been going on in the past months outside of any kind of relationship talk. That was ok. Nothing happened. But until someone comes along and completely cures me of this addiction/curse/disease, I can only keep the symptoms down temporarily before they find themselves terrorizing me again. Many will try. Someone will succeed. Good luck.

Stay strong,
Mouse <:3 )~

Blogs, Glee, and Love

I've realized that I love that I have ranted about the things that I have in my blog; especially the things about love and the things that allow me to imagine exactly what it is I'm trying to explain. Some of my entries help me to remember exactly what it is I used to have and why I wanted it so badly and even injects a little bit of it back into me. Glee does that for me as well. It has become what Disney movies have always been for me. It's my life juice. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. It feeds me what I need. It gives me that passion outside of my everyday life to live in and be a part of and restores those feelings of happiness that I only get from those corny moments. Lately, I've been noticing people around me that really show how in love they are with each other and I'm not disgusted by their overused romance lines or goofy smiles at each other. I don't even care how cliche it is. I'm inspired by them. Even some of my younger cousins seem to have grasped this feeling and hold on to it so well. What is love more than a pattern of hormones triggered by nerves reacting to some sensory recognition? It's an idea that there is something more. Period. Whether or not it is necessary for evolution that one being fall in love with another being, it is something that people experience. Many question the validity of such a theoretical idea, but the mere fact that I've experienced it more than once, tells me that it is something real. Love might be intangible, but it is there. As is gravity and time. How do we know there is gravity? We let go of a pencil and it falls. How do we know there is time? There is a change in the world that happens right before our eyes; nothing is simply static forever. And so how do we know there is love? We watch Glee and Disney movies and write blogs and read stories and doodle in the back of our notebooks the name of some girl or guy that we for one reason or another can't simply remove from our minds. It is very often that I am inspired by love. Most of my songs are inspired by love; whether it be gained or lost or simply just felt or imagined. I've noticed since my blog about what love actually is, I haven't really cared so much to know again. Maybe because I'm too busy being excited for my birthday and the new season of Glee. I'm almost curious if I've annoyed anyone on facebook with my gleek nonsense. Almost curious. Oh, and you know what? I think I have a female celebrity crush on Lea Michele. Hahaha. Sorry, Angie. :P

Hasta la pasta!
Mouse <:3 )~

Once Enraged

A picture I did a while ago. Just sharing it.

21 Lemons

Sometimes life gives you lemons. Sometimes it asks you to make lemonade. Sometimes life gives you oranges. And it still asks you to make lemonade. I feel like, today, life gave me lemonade. And told me to enjoy it :)

Many things happen in life that we question or that we try to prevent or that we watch occur or pretend didn't even happen. It is life. Sometimes things happen that we don't even realize are happening until one day it's like BAM! I HAPPENED!! And you're like WTF! or like OMG YAY! or however you react to the occurrence that has now appeared in your life. Right now, I'm in the middle of several things that have been building up (in a good way). Friendships, work, family stuff. Though it isn't perfect, it's coming together in a more delightful pattern...if that makes sense. On top of it all, I'm reaching another threshold. 21. Yep. This one actually feels like once I pass it I'll feel different, unlike the others where I felt like they were just another birthday. After this one, I can buy my own noffs and do other things I might want to do one day that I can't do today. XD I cross this threshold with a silly hat on my head and a house full of friends and family. I can say I'm excited to reach a number higher than many kids can count to. (baddum tsh) Very tiny drums for very tiny joke. Anywho, I'm tired. So I'm cutting this short.

Hasta la vista,
Mouse <:3 )~

Love: What is it?

There was this song playing on the radio the other night while I was in the car with my mom. The lyrics went something like "I don't know what I'd do with out ya. I can't live without ya." Or something along those lines. And I told my mom "I don't know how to feel like this song. I don't understand what it is or how it is." She just laughed and looked at me funny like always. I was also half asleep, so I wouldn't have taken me seriously either. But thinking about it today, I realize I don't know what that is. I remember what it felt like to know what it was, but I don't remember WHY I wanted to feel it or why it felt so good talking to someone everyday or just being around them, even if it was for no reason. Why did I want to spend so much time sitting next to someone while they played a video game or making surprise dinners or randomly cleaning their room? Why did I enjoy that? Like, what makes you want to do that? I know...the answer is love of course...right? But what is love beside a pattern of hormones triggered by some sensory recognition, etc, etc <insert more big words>. I don't quite understand love anymore. There are occasions where I feel that tingly feeling in my stomach or that warmth in my heart as a reaction to someone's actions, but then there are times where I feel like it's pointless to feel those things. I know that I want to have that feeling when I see someone or hear their voice or hug them or whatever, but I don't know WHY. Am I supposed to know why? Once upon a time, love was simple. I felt it. I knew it was there. And I'd do anything and everything I could to hold on to it. Love was a belief I held onto like a security blanket. It was concrete. It existed, and I had it, and I defended it. Try telling me love doesn't exist 2 or 3 years ago. I wouldn't agree to a very high degree, but I'd leave people to their beliefs. I'm not one to push my beliefs on another, but I made sure to get my point across that I stood strongly in my belief of love. But now, I'm just like uh...some people have it, some people don't. I don't love love like I used to think I did. In a way I even dislike it. Mostly for it's confusion factor and the fact that it doesn't seem to like me very much either...

Anyway, I don't know why the concept of love (yes, "concept") bothers me so much lately. Beside that I had it when the year started and then quickly lost hold of it, it doesn't make much sense to me anymore. I don't even know why I want to know WHY. <insert confusion> *sigh*...

Oh love, why must thou treat me so?

<:3 )~ Mouse out.

Sometimes Things Happen

Sometimes things happen when you're trying your hardest to keep them from happening. It seems like because you don't want it to happen, it's gonna happen even more. Even if you try to use reverse psychology on it, it just keeps happening. Yea...that's all.

Peace,
Mouse
O._.O

People

Many people come in and out of our lives every day. Some of those people make a noticeable impact. Some of those people seem to just be there to fill in the space so the world doesn't look so empty. We never know that those space filling people sometimes end up being some of our greatest friends or worst enemies or most magnificent loves. I read something that said "There are no such things as strangers; only future friends." I try to think that way when I encounter people. Whether or not I ever see them again, I smile at people when I pass by them on the street. Not like big cheesy smiles, but a grin to acknowledge their existence. I like to feel that I passed on a more positive energy to people whether or not they asked for it. It's always weird when people catch eye contact with you and look right through you, especially when you say "hey" or grin at them or something. I know a lot of people that would respond to their lack of acknowledgement with things such as "screw you too" and the like. It's very unnecessary. When I find myself in the position of "inexistence" with people, I tend to think about what they must have experienced before our brief encounter or if maybe they just aren't friendly people. People love to pass on bad energy; especially when it was passed to them. If you're driving and someone cuts you off, for the rest of the drive you're an angry driver (if you aren't already one). Imagine someone cuts you off and goes speeding to the light, and the light turns red, and they're right in front of you at the same light you were at, but you continue driving and acting like nothing had happened at all. Instead of shouting inaudible insults, you just continue with your day. Imagine the kind of world this would be if we simply removed road rage; how much happier people would be; how fewer accidents would be caused from people being blinded by anger and stupidity. People have control over things like road rage. You might not be able to stop others from driving like idiots, but you can stop yourself from driving like them. I don't know how this became a blog about road rage, but I'm ending it here. Keep this in mind when you're driving though.

Mouse

O._.O

Voodoo Peoples/Worry Dolls/Buddies

Whatever you prefer to call these little guys,

I managed to collect 4 of them.

In order, they are responsible for fun, health, love, and brains.

Yes.

Brains.

I was so intrigued I had to make my own

...but I started a bit different

...using wire and a Mickey Mouse keychain.

But of course I had to make yarn ones!

And so we have Voodoo Batman and Spiderman

...responsible for everything else life throws my way. ^_^

Oh, and now there's Deadpool as well...

Mouse O._.O

That Feeling

I miss that feeling of being in love...looking in someone's eyes, or hearing their voice, or feeling their touch and just filling up with warmth until it explodes from your ears and finger tips. I know I'm keeping myself from relationships right now, but I miss that feeling. I miss going to sleep and feeling complete comfort. And it's weird, because the last time I was in love, I was the only one in it, but the rare occasions where I actually feel there were two of us and not just me are absolutely amazing. Simple moments in a day that would make my entire week feel like I just won the lottery. Feeling like the whole world could explode and I'd be completely happy as long as I was with that person when it happened. Being away for a weekend and feeling their warmth against you after just 2 days of being apart. Being away for a month and falling in love 50 times over again just seeing them on your computer screen.

I want that feeling back so badly right now...

Every now and then I get a taste of it in a song...from the voice of a street performer that may or may not have exchanged flirty glances with me...in poetry...in movies...

That feeling was stolen from me when this year started and I've been struggling with the side effects of the "withdrawal" for a lot longer than I expected.

I'm tired of being upset and angry and of crying tears that flow nowhere.

I have my heart back from the thief and I've locked it up for safe keeping. And I've realized that it takes a lot more than simply doing what I hope you would do to get my heart. I guess I've learned that I'm very picky. And I feel like I deserve to be. There was a time that I didn't care so much, but after two major scars from people telling you that you deserve everything you want and need, it's difficult to simply turn around and pretend you don't want to have everything you want. If this person that is everything I want supposedly really exists, why not pick everything apart until he's found?

...and when he's found...

IF I open my heart to him...

I'll just say that a third time might turn the intensity of my earthquake to a level unmeasurable on the Richter Scale.

Anger was never something I was very familiar with. I don't like it, but the more I encounter it, the less patience I have for the people that cause it.

*sigh*

I'm both tired of love and in need of it...such a dilemma is love.

later days,
mouse

Relationships

I don't like repeating myself more than twice when I know someone has a higher mental capacity than an 8 year old. Anyone reading this needs to know and make it known to anyone that might be interested that I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP right now. I don't want to think about relationships. I don't want to worry about someone wanting to be in a relationship with me. I don't want anyone to wait for me to want to be in a relationship. It's like, if I wanted you to wait for me, I might as well just be with you. Idk...

I've never been the type to like being chased. It happens too often. People fall for me or have crushes on me, and I appreciate that people like me, but it doesn't work for me. I don't like guys drooling at my feet waiting at my every beckon and call. That might be other girls' wishes, but it's not mine. Just be you. Be my friend. Do what you do. And if you happen to catch my interest, then I'll make it known. Also note that just because I have shown an interest, it doesn't guarantee anything. Sometimes showing an interest ruins the way a person acts and then things just get weird. But that's only sometimes. And I have been rejected before. And I have been heart broken. More than once for both of those and I don't like making others feel that way so in the event I have to say no to your requests, don't make it harder on me, please. It'll only make it worse for everyone.

Any who, I don't like being pursued very obviously. You gotta be a ninja. Don't tell me you're after me. Just sneak into my heart by being yourself and going with the flow. If I haven't said anything directly related to wanting to hold your hand or kiss you or be with you or the like, then I probably don't want to. That doesn't mean I never will. But it also doesn't mean I ever will. It just means you're my friend. And it doesn't mean you're not "good enough" for me because if I'm hanging out with you, you're "good enough." You're just not who I want to date.

What else can I cover in this...

Oh, buying me stuff and paying for things won't win you brownie points. I appreciate it very much, but you can't buy me. The only thing you can do is be yourself and hope you catch my attention. There really is no other factor. If you try to change for me, you've already made a mistake. I know what the things I ask for are, but in the beginning, things need to go slow. Just be my friend. When you see me going out of my way for you or trying to hold your hand without you trying to hold mine or asking about your day all the time or texting you randomly and often, then you will know where my heart is.

Actually, even better, if I make one of those corny lame statuses on facebook about it, then you really know where my heart is. And then you can do all those things you've been dying to do. Let me know that you know my birthday and my favorite color or whatever else because I probably know yours, too if I'm really into you. Otherwise, I just kinda like you and I want to see how things are. I don't like rejecting people and so I can sometimes put myself in situations that I'd rather not be in. If I'm not putting forth any effort, it's probably for the above stated reason.

I think that's enough for now.

Peace,
Mouse

Defense?

I did some "enhancement painting" on these two pictures:

 

I think they say a lot about each other...


O._.O Mouse

Forgive

I have found myself wanting to truly and honestly forgive him that caused most of the things this blog has become centered around. I guess that's a big step forward. Maybe one day I'll muster up the will to talk to him again. I'm tired of being angry and all misshapen. Until then, and probably a while longer, I'm keeping away from that thing called love...or I should say, I'm not making any effort at all to find it.

Also, anyone that wants to try to find it in me, your attempts may be futile for about another 6 months. I'm not the type to be "woo'ed" so, just be my friend and hope for the best. You gotta be a ninja to get through to my heart. Sneak up on it or something. Idk. I just know the usual stuff like blatantly telling me you like me doesn't always work as well as you'd hope.

Anyway, I think that's all I want to say for now.

Peace and stuff,
Mouse

The Body Tree

Wrote this today...then painted the background in photoshop.

Depressed?

I think I'm depressed because I'm disappointed with my current level of work ethic and passion (or lack of either) and until I figure that out, I won't be able to allow myself any sort of partnership. I'm unhappy with myself and no one beside me can fix that. I need to lock myself up in my Batcave and hack out something amazing before I lose all will to exist.

BBL,
Mouse

Horoscope - July 13, 2011

You could be leaving on a spiritual journey that's just for you today. You are exploring ways to reclaim your power, but the current dynamics might not support your growth. Don't try to manipulate circumstances in your favor. Your strength will return naturally as you rediscover your metaphysical center of gravity. Realign with your core values and exhibit the highest integrity possible in all that you do.

It's so weird...Horoscopes are weird.

Some Writing

Well...it seems I'm never at a loss for words when no one's around to hear them...

staring at the blinking text indicator
waiting for it to reveal the words i need to say to you
my hands feel like foreigners
sitting on the home keys.
im hoping at some point
the muscles in my fingers will contract
and press the proper letters
before i have a moment to think of what i should say
because my thoughts have brought us to this point
and my heart wants nothing to do with me.
i'm left with no sort of direction
beside the motor functions that define life
and if i stand up and start walking
i'll be going nowhere
because everywhere is nowhere without love
or at least passion
and i don't know where or how to find either
so i'll just sit here in my own misery
waiting for your fingers to develop a well organized process of thoughts or feelings
that i can try to reply to
and though the words never come out so smoothly when i say them
i let my mind trigger my fingers to type out phrases
and just before i hit enter i look at my own reflection
and i wonder if your face looks any more sad than my own
somehow i hit enter and i leave the page
returning only to make sure that i had actually hit enter
...
you're typing.
what could you be saying
no anxiety enters my skin
no butterflies
i'm not nervous
i just want to stop
i just want to end it all
pretend you were just my friend all along
and we just had a fun time
and hearts were never involved
love was never a factor
but i get to the end of my storybook
and you're still there
awkwardly grinning because you don't cry
not at first at least
and with all the sincerity my body posses i type
I'm sorry.
I'm so so sorry.
Yet no matter how many so's or sorry's are revealed by that text indicator,
It never suffices.
I know your pain
I know no amount of apologies will take that away
You have every right to be angry with me
But you're not
You think you've lost me
But I lost me first...

Just A Virgo

Some "facts" about virgos. I know people say don't let these things define you, but I can really connect with these things.

- It takes a long time for a virgo to open up to someone emotionally.
- Virgos appreciate the time and effort put into looking good for them and they notice everything about you, from your scent to your nails.
- A virgo's mind can be a safe haven for them.
- A virgo will measure every angle of a fall before they even consider taking it. They must be sure you're worth it.
- Virgos understand the power given to the person who has their heart, that's why they have trouble giving it away.
- A virgo will only give their whole heart or they won't give it at all.... All or nothing.
- When virgo falls in love, it's usually a hard fall, so they may have a difficult time getting up if they have to.
- If a virgo distrusts their emotions, it may be because of what they've seen them do to others.
- Virgos may only speak a few words of affection, but they love in many forms of action.
- If a Virgo warms up to you, you will discover so many wonderful layers of personality you didn't know existed.
- In a relationship w/ a virgo, even the smallest efforts to make them happy don't go unnoticed. They appreciate it & will show you how much.

Source: https://twitter.com/#!/VirgoNation

Horoscope - June 28, 2011

It's complicated to tell someone how you feel today, especially if you think that your disclosure might be a catalyst that triggers unpleasant memories. Nevertheless, you may not be able to settle down until you share what's in your heart with a trusted friend. Be careful; revealing your inner process might elicit a strong flow of tough emotions, but the lessons you could learn will make your journey worthwhile.

I'd say this was Sunday's horoscope. It describes the events of Sunday perfectly. I just wanted to say that...and this: I've found myself on a new journey with a new partner and things have been great. I couldn't ask for more. I never really ask for anything actually. I don't have to. I usually don't know exactly what I want until I'm getting everything I don't want, and I know what I'm getting is definitely not something I don't want. In simpler terms. I'm happy. ^_^ I don't know where things are going, but I'm happy with where they are. I have no worries to think about, no expectations to meet. I can just live and learn and enjoy the present. Slowly, I can open up more layers of myself that I had locked away a few months ago. Whether my heart will be fully opened is something I hope for, but am not putting all my cards in. I won't leap as quickly as before, but I have leaped none the less. This fall is more of a glide...and it looks as though I'm landing on marshmallows.

In Love?

What does it mean to be in love? To start, I have to say, no, I'm not in love right now. I'm just thinking. I've been in love before and all I can remember is at first I'm not and then at some point I am. I don't remember the transition or if there was one or if it just happened like popcorn kernels to popcorn. I remember having a feeling that I like someone. I remember my senses changing around a certain person. But I don't remember the exact moment when I suddenly felt I was in love. Like, is there a certain general range of time where all it takes is saying that you are and it becomes true? I've had love at first sight before. I believe I wrote about it on here with that puppy. There was a time before that. That was when I got my cat, Azuca. Never with a person though. That seems to take quite a bit of time. I'll just be sitting there with them or even by myself and know that I'm in love with them. I just don't remember the point when it happened. That probably doesn't matter, but it's still something I think about. What made me fall in love at that moment? And what does being in love really mean? So far, I feel like it's just an addiction. The same way one can be addicted to actual drugs or food or anything else. I believe the heightened senses a person gets from another person, causes one to "fall in love." It isn't immediate. As no addiction that I know of is immediate. It takes constant, consistent doses of the same drug. I don't even think it's necessary to enjoy the drug all the time...and that's how people fall in love with "the wrong person." Having love taken from you is similar to being in withdrawal.

This strangely makes sense to me...

What a life we live...

Selfish Deeds

Even in my brightest times you manage to bring me to tears without even being here. It used to be the opposite. You brought a smile to my face when I wasn't feeling okay, but now you only seem to appear when no one else is near. No one to tell me it's alright or that they love me or hold me tight. Only when I'm most vulnerable and I tell my closest friends I wish I never picked him because now I'm stuck being the victim of his devious plan. I almost gave him my hand in marriage if he woulda asked it he coulda had it, but now he's four fingers short. All I'll give him is the middle. Don't fiddle with my heart. If you can't finish the story, don't start. Every time I think I'm finally done here you come to put out my sun shine...but I'll find better days. I'll find better ways to protect myself from people like you, who do only the most selfish of deeds. But I'll find my rose among the weeds. And you'll just be a bad nightmare in my sea of dreams.

Attraction

This isn't originally mine, and it wasn't in a place I could hit "share" and show you, so I did it as such...

You know, I saw the most interesting show on the Discovery Channel last night.

They were interviewing people who make their living designing attractions for amusement parks like Magic Mountain and Disneyland and Universal Studios. Wouldn't that be a cool way to make a living?

Well, anyway, they were talking about the elements that make up the ideal attraction. They said there are 3 parts to the ideal attraction. First, when you experience the ideal attraction, you feel a state of high arousal. The ideal attraction makes your heart beat faster, and your breathing gets faster and you just feel that amazing rush all over.

And then they said that another part to an ideal attraction is - it's fascinating. You just feel so enthralled that you want to take this ride multiple times; as soon as you get off you want to get back on again.

And they said, finally, the most important element, is a sense of overall safety. That even though the attraction may look a little dangerous, you are certain you are safe... you feel safe because you realize nothing bad can really happen, so that allows you to feel totally free to let go and feel that great arousal again and again and again.

When you imagine how much fun it is to ride a roller coaster or any other kind of amusement park ride .. It’s like as if that ride is climbing up and up, you can feel your heart pounding with excitement, you feel you're breathing faster and faster, sometimes you're even gasping and panting you feel the blood rushing through every part of your body and as that excitement and tension is building and building, you reach the top of the ride and then as it crests, you just release it in a flood of excitement, and sometimes you're screaming you're so turned on.

And you know, afterwards I thought to myself, isn't that the totally accurate description of your ideal attraction to another person. You know that kind of wonderful click right there (right in the center of who you are) that just makes you feel totally drawn to this person and on one hand you feel totally safe and totally comfortable like you were meant to know them and as if you've known them forever.

Cuddle

I wanna cuddle with somebody. It's that simple. I want someone to hold me close and just be there with me. Of course, it can't just be anybody. I don't know who. I just know that's what I want. Someone to show affection to and enjoy being around. I know some people I wouldn't mind it being, but that isn't up to me...yet...

Life

I have been living it. And it seems I haven't cared to tell the world about it very much. I haven't anything to tell right now. I just wanted to say something. Nothing in particular, but something. Just to keep the dust from gathering and what not. It's so cold right now. I can't handle it. Well, I need to get going to the studio. Hopefully, nothing retarded happens today.

Peace,
Nasia

When a Virgo Warms Up

If a virgo warms up to you, you will discover so many wonderful layers of personality you didn't know existed.

This is true. I don't even feel like it needs an explanation.

Stuck

Every 2 months or so I find myself in this position where it feels like I'm stuck. Not even like I'm at a wall, but like I've just reached an abyss and there are no signs or directions or lights guiding me towards any particular path. There are no paths. I'm just in an empty place. I don't even know where the place is. It's strange...and confusing...and I don't really like being here, but I guess I'll find my way out in a few days as usual. This is the point where I wish someone would appear and take me up and save me from this confusion and loneliness like in the movies. I have friends that try. I have friends that really want to. But they are not in any position to be trying to save me from anything. It's ok to wish for some adorable, successful guy to just come knocking at your door and just fall in love with you right? Sounds like something from those novels women read. I've never read one of those. But I think I'd be pretty good at writing one if I really wanted to. I don't. I just want to not have to think for once. To just love and be loved. Maybe that's why I'm not trying very hard to get out of this house anymore. I don't have to think so much as just keep it clean. I'm not trying to take the easy way out. But to me, this is the most efficient way I guess. Another rent to pay and more bills would not make my life any easier. I'm happy with my space here. I'm happy with the freedoms I have. I'm just unhappy with myself I guess. I've disappointed myself somewhere down the line. I feel like I should still be in school, becoming a doctor or some other well-paid member of society. I love animation, but it wasn't the most stable choice to make. I just have a habit of not caring about whether or not I've put in enough time doing it. It's become less of a passion and more of a hobby I do when I don't feel like playing my guitar or blogging. And this is why I wish I had that someone. Just being with them would allow me to temporarily release myself from all of my worries and just be loved. Or maybe I'll worry about them more than I worry about myself. I don't need to worry about myself. I know in the end I'll have it all handled. Even if they'll have it handled in the end too, I like to have someone else to think about and look forward to seeing at the end of the day. To cuddle and watch movies with.

I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship. What I really mean is that I don't want to have to deal with someone else again if it doesn't work out. I just want to find the right one and get on with it. And I know that's impossible, but what isn't impossible is having a conversation with someone and knowing by the end of the convo that you would really like to know more about this person or hang out with them or something. I don't know. A lot of the time what happens is by the end of the convo I'm kind of bored or uncomfortable or I just think this person would make a good friend, but not someone I'd want to date.

How do I know this? Well, from my own experiences. I know what I DON'T want.

It's very confusing when the same people that tell me that I deserve so much also tell me I have high standards...

Blah...

Peace,
Nasia