I guess I'm on a roll with the entries tonight, but man...
Alright, so my boyfriend and I have decided to collaborate on a beat, "rapping" and what not. I don't really feel like I'm rapping so much as I do reciting poetry. I don't really know where the line is, but now a days, calling yourself a rapper doesn't look as good as it may have in years past. Everybody wants to be a rapper. I don't want to be a rapper. I just want to let my heart out and have it be heard the way I feel it, if it's going to be heard. I'm not trying to get picked up or signed or whatever, I really just want to share this feeling and these moments with my babe and the world that wants to hear it.
You know, I didn't expect to be like this right now. After the last few, I really didn't know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn't expecting anything. I never really do. I have my hopes and my dreams and my goals ('cause they're all different things, but that's for another entry). I hoped I'd fall for him. I dreamed I held his hand and all that. And my goal was to just see it all through and know that I followed my heart no matter how it went down. And now I'm here in the stages of what I guess would be called puppy love. The thing about me though, that people don't understand, is that that's the stage that I live in. Things will get serious, but I never lose that puppy love feeling. And if I do, something must be wrong. Even after I'm comfortable and settled in with the "routine" of lovers and relationships and whatever comes after, I won't lose the fire.
I know I've been here before. I've had this feeling before. And I've lost it and regained it and I've learned that it is possible to fall in love more than once. How would you know how to do it right if you didn't get it wrong a few times? My problem I guess is that I don't show myself the love that I should when I get in a relationship and so I don't demand that I'm shown as much love as I give out. So I give all my love and settle with whatever I'm being given and I'm okay with that. And I don't want to sound like a cliche/corny/blinded girl, but I have a feeling about this time. I mean, I know I have a feeling every time, but taking what I've learned from those times and applying it to this one, I can't find the downfalls, if there be any. I'm not trying to go searching for any, but you know, you have to make sure your seatbelt works before you get into a race car right? I guess it's like that. I'm always evaluating everything. I can't help it and I don't want to. My evaluating hasn't lead me wrong yet. It's actually when I don't follow it that I've falling off my own horse. It's only when I let go of that part of me that I end up doing things that I kick myself for later. I'm never letting go of that part of me again. I don't like that feeling I get afterwards...
Anyway, I've learned so much from my past and my present is so great. Call it what you want. I don't even care. I never do. People look down on me for feeling amazing over the simplest things, but you know what? If they had it, they would understand. Actually, if they had it more than once and weren't bitter about it. Most people are bitter from losing love so they look down on anyone else that has it or wants it...the same way old people can be bitter about losing their youth. It's the people with high numbers in age and lower numbers in blood pressure that can hang with the young crowd without bashing them for being themselves that are truly the happy ones. They live and let live. I just want to be let live. (The grammar O: )
So...I'm in the goosebumps, butterflies, sparkle in your eye stage; on the happily ever after, golden carriage and white horses page, but I enjoy every second of it as one should. The world says you have to grow up, you have to go to the next stage, you have let go of one thing and get to the next, but you know what I say? I say live and be happy. Don't worry. You have one life, spend it making it the life YOU want and let no one dictate what you do or how you feel.
That's enough for now I think...
<3
Mouse <:3 )~
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