Complications Aside

Why does everything have to be so complicated? I started this blog to release my mind, but I don't even say everything I want to say all the time because I know people read it and I know people will judge no matter how much they say they won't. I know every line will be taken as it is written and nothing anyone can say can change what's on the internet...right? Well, I'm ignoring all of those unwritten rules and I'm saying it all right now. Complications aside...

If you haven't read much of my blog or just haven't understood that a lot of it is about my ex, well now you know, a lot of it is about my ex and the problems I've had since we broke up. What better of a place to talk about it than on the internet right? Wrong. But I do it anyway. Why girls need to talk about things of that sort is unknown to me, but if we don't talk about it, we act about it and those are the girls that guys call things that I disapprove of. Anyway, since the break up, I've tried dating. The kind where you meet someone, go to dinner or an arcade or movies or all or some combination of them and you get to know each other. Through all of it I only have one real idea, is this someone I can eventually live with? See, I'm not the type to go casual dating for years and make a real relationship with someone that I can already feel I'm not THAT into. Every decision has to be a step forward. So, a lot of these little dates have become cool friends. I'm not sure if they're okay with that, but I am. I've always had an abundance of male friends. I don't know why, but it's how it is. I relate to them better than I do with most other girls I suppose. Any who, I'm very picky. I didn't know this at first, but I know this now. And I think I should be picky. Everyone should be picky, but of course, I won't let being picky keep me from possibly being happy with someone. But yea, sometimes I encounter a male that I think I may actually want to move forward with, but then complications occur. It's been difficult getting close to people since I was hurt. And it hasn't even been a year since it happened. Mentally, I understand what's going on, but it doesn't mean it's any easier to begin anew again. So I come across someone I kinda like. He likes me, too. What a strange predicament right? Very. He liked me ALOT. Too much even. Or at least, he showed it too much. Weird? Yes. And very confusing to a lot of men. Girls complain about guys not showing they care so how is it possible to show it too much? Well, girls don't like it to be too easy, just as much as guys wouldn't want an easy girl. Simple, but not easy. Because then anyone can get her, right? Maybe. In the beginning, you can't be all about her at first. You can be in love, but the minute you tell her, if she's not that far, you might scare her away. Which is what happened. Also, the words vs. actions idea. When you say one thing and do another, the world becomes very confusing; especially if you don't know that you're doing that. In my mental state at the time, it was too much to deal with. I wanted a partner, a buddy, a boyfriend without the mental stress of having to actually think about doing something all the time. Someone that I blogged about before. Someone I could cuddle with and hang with and be happy with. Someone that would worry about you without saying it. That cared without smothering you. That you could rely on and that would also rely on you, but wouldn't stress you out. And the thing is, you wouldn't go looking for another guy, nor he for another girl. You'd be together without the "problems". Anyway, things were happening that I wasn't ready for and I had to stop it. And I was getting frustrated with it, which isn't good, but then things got kind of strange. Really strange for me actually. Every moment was just awkward between us for me, which tends to happen when I know someone really likes me and I don't as much. And even in this awkwardness, I was getting a bit frustrated. I don't know how to explain why it was happening, but it was happening. Maybe for the same reason I could never be friends with my ex the same way again. It's difficult going backwards once you've gone so far forward.

Well, all the while that this was beginning to end, I met another someone. We talked for a few days and then he kind of just stopped. I thought he was cool until that happened. Potential. Lost. I'd began to give up again. And then another came around. All this time I was also supposed to be staying single, which I am. I told my best friend to slap me or do the internet equivalent of slapping me or have my brother slap me if I even thought about being in a relationship until next year or at least my birthday or something. And then my mom proposes the notion that neither me nor my brothers can have a bf/gf until we have established ourselves better. What a great idea. So knowing that my mom was also running this picture kept me off of thinking about it for a bit and gave me more RAM to process other thoughts like work. I got an internship with a game studio and have actually been doing work with them. The FX studio I was originally supposed to be working for actually lost their project before I was even given any work to do for them. Good thing I made the decision I did to join this other place.

Well, while this internship was making its way into my life, so was someone else. And he lives pretty pretty far at the moment, but he's moving out here soon. My thoughts? This is great. I can get to know him without worrying about the whole "taking it further" business because I refuse to go through another long distance relationship, even though he IS moving to Cali soon. But either way, this way, I can get to know him first and then even more so when he actually moves out here because I am very hands on and I suppose physically oriented so until I'm actually in someone's presence and able to observe them, it's difficult to know exactly how I actually feel. Observing someone might sound creepy, but it's how I get to know people better. I haven't consciously experienced this before, but I think a person's body language makes a huge difference in whether or not I'm attracted to them. I suppose it goes back to that whole actions vs. words dilemma. The way someone walks tells me more than the words they tell me do. Makes sense to me...but uh, yea, so I'm kind of waiting for him to get out here to make any real decisions. I mean, I like him quite a bit. If you didn't know this you do now. He's been the inspiration to some of my songs and even a few raps/poems. I can't tell the difference anymore.

The only thing is...it's easier to bait my heart from afar, but even still it can be difficult. Sweet words are very enticing, but I know better now. It kinda sucks that it's that way, but it's safer for my own sake. The mere fact that I am even allowing it should say enough, and though I haven't really established myself much better than before beside that I now have actual work to take some of my time, I feel I can still establish a base to a real friendship that can become more. I don't mean friend zone friendship, I mean a trusting and sincere relationship with another human being. I guess the weird thing with me is that I put everyone in the "friend zone" first. It's more of an evaluation stage. I mean...who would make a better boyfriend than a really good friend? Right? Idk. That's how I've always been with it though. My feelings usually grow when people don't even know that I have them at all. That way they are entirely my own. No influence from the outside world. I've always been chased by people. So it kind of doesn't work when someone else suddenly tells me they like me and I don't already like them as much. I suppose it can be said I wear the pants. Idk. I just don't like to be pushed further than I'm ready to go. It actually makes me fall back further. I retreat when that happens. So if I can sort of take the lead, things only happen when I'm ready for them. The problem with this is if the other gets impatient and tried hinting at moving forward. I can take a hint and I will see it as trying to push forward and I will retreat. It's simple to me. I guess not to others. I take things really slow now and I understand why. The one time things seemed to be going good, they were actually going way too fast and fell apart. And when I tried a later time, things were going too fast and I was uncomfortable and ran away from it. It's a simple pattern. So I go slow. And I don't believe it's ever too late to jump ship. If I don't feel okay, I will take my life jacket and jump ship, whether there be sharks in the water or not. I'll deal with them when I get there, unless the captain doesn't mind paddling me back to shore, which never happens that way. No captain wants to paddle all the way back to shore to let go of their crew.

I'm getting off subject, whatever subject is...but I've been stressing lately. Mostly because of some new, but temporary responsibilities I was given. It's almost over now though. It wasn't so bad, but it was enough. Dunno why I'm even thinking about relationships and what not. I need to get to business. Birthday. Don't fail me.