To Miss

I've realized that missing someone doesn't consist of crying over the fact that they aren't around, but remembering the times they were around and wising you could have more of those times all at once right now. The strange thing about how I feel about everything right now, between the crying and between going on with life, I feel like one day I will see everyone again as I remember them. People always found it weird that I never really felt it necessary to say "I miss you" or that I felt awkward saying "I miss you too" when I don't really feel that way. I'm beginning to understand now why I feel like I never really miss people. I tried to explain it once like this...I know I'm going to see people again and so I don't worry about missing them or feeling sad that they aren't around. Even now, I know one day I will be beside Jayla again in our matching high top chucks celebrating our birthday together since they're only 2 days apart or eating tuna sandwiches or asking her about the book she just finished. I know this. Like, I'm completely certain of this fact, more so than I am of the things they teach in school. I know one day each person I know will be gone from me or I from them and we will be sad because there will be a gap in time where either of us will no longer be able to be around the other until that point in time that we all meet up again. I feel like it's like when I left Florida. I was sad to be leaving my friends, but I knew that I would see them all again and so I wasn't so sad. I knew I could always talk to them or at least send them a message and hope they'd send one back. I feel the same way now. I can talk to Jayla anytime I want just like before. The only thing that has changed is that I might not get her reply as soon as I'd like and I might not be able to give her a hug or hear her for a while, but one day I will. I never was the "perfect Christian" going to church every Sunday. I never read the entire bible. I don't even know if I went through first communion. But I know now that I DO have faith. Maybe before I questioned what I believed or who or how, and maybe now I'm still not completely certain as how it all makes any sense, but I know I believe in the same God that Jayla believes in. I know that she's with him and grandpa and Sanji. I know that one day I'll be there, too.

Pain is an aspect of time. Just as the seconds pass, so does pain, and so do we. </Mufasa voice>

I also know that Gilani will get through this. Many are sad because of her changed outer appearance, but Gilani's inner beauty is what has gotten her so far and what I know will continue to bring her further. 

Also, some people might be bothered by my mellower mood lately and try to cheer me up and get me back to being hyper, but that's not what I want right now. That's not what feels right. I'm okay. I'm just in a state of extreme concentration and reflection, locked up in my head right now. I don't want to talk much. I don't want to laugh at everything. I don't want to be randomly affectionate or goofy. I just want to be as I am and think about the things I think about. I always had an easier time explaining myself "on paper." I can skip the waterworks and get straight to my point, or even get to my point during the waterworks. Talking + waterworks = lots of repeating myself and/or difficulty breathing. Not good. 

Well, that's all I have to say for now.

Peace n love n stuff,

Mouse <:3 )~ <3