Observe Rant

I often find myself frustrated with people or things in life, but it always hits me that they probably don't have the family support and love behind them like I have. I don't get mad at people because I love who I am and won't let other people's bad energy rub off on me. My mom has been saying to all the kids not to do or say anything that doesn't come from the heart. Everything you do must come from the heart. I've realized that sometimes I don't think what I feel in my heart is right and so I won't act on it and then sometimes I find myself wanting to do or say certain things that may have been caused by others actions and in my head I feel like it's the right thing to do or say, but in my heart I know it isn't and so I don't say it because in my heart it isn't what I really feel. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to decipher what is coming from my heart and what's coming from elsewhere and so I just wait patiently for my answer. Recently I've found myself in a sort of unspoken situation that I know is there, but haven't dealt with because in my own heart I don't feel it's appropriate right now and I know that were things not as they were right now I may have dealt with this and it could have gone bad or good. But I noticed I take a lot of other people's responsibility and take ownership or a sort of self-reasoned excuse for lot's of people's actions or words in order to prevent conflicts or other unnecessary events. What I'm trying to say is, I take a lot of crap for and from people because I love them and know that I can handle taking the crap on my own than dishing it back out for people to deal with themselves. And it's not necessarily crap either. It's just things that happen or words that are said or emotions that have been held in or idk. I'm very observant and always listening to what's going on around me and just taking it in. I'm a constant sponge. A blackhole even. I can't necessarily relay all of the information back on the spot, but when the time is right I'll have a few important facts to dish out. I watch the world around me from my little bubble. This is one reason I got the nickname mouse in the first place. I was always so quiet and reserved. I kept to myself. I was always just observing. I don't ask a lot of questions. I observe and I learn. People that aren't around me 24/7 don't notice it so much anymore because I'm usually a part of what's going on instead of watching it, but lately I've been distant. Just watching. And not necessarily watching anyone in particular, but just watching. Sometimes staring off at things. I don't space out though. I'm still aware of my complete surroundings and paying attention to what's going on around me. To someone that isn't used to me in this mode, I look down or depressed simply because I'm not bouncing around and smiling and being random. The only people that seem to understand this mode is my family, of course. They've seen it for 21 years. They gave me the name mouse. Actually, the complete opposite of that mode surprises them. The fact that I can talk in front of groups (or talk at all to some) is what puzzled them for a bit. Some don't believe that either mode is me because they're only used to one side. Both are me. I am both hyper and reserved. Outgoing and inverted. I am mouse. Hidden in the shadows or on display for a science project. I adapt well to my surroundings, go to sleep late and wake up late. I'm comfortable in small spaces or large rooms. And though I might not say much all of the time, I can say a lot when I really want to. I retreat to my little bubble/room/space when I'm uncomfortable, sad, upset, or just tired. I hate for it to be invaded as it is all that I ask for.

Well I think I'm tired of writing for right now.

Hasta la pasta,
<:3 )~