There was this song playing on the radio the other night while I was in the car with my mom. The lyrics went something like "I don't know what I'd do with out ya. I can't live without ya." Or something along those lines. And I told my mom "I don't know how to feel like this song. I don't understand what it is or how it is." She just laughed and looked at me funny like always. I was also half asleep, so I wouldn't have taken me seriously either. But thinking about it today, I realize I don't know what that is. I remember what it felt like to know what it was, but I don't remember WHY I wanted to feel it or why it felt so good talking to someone everyday or just being around them, even if it was for no reason. Why did I want to spend so much time sitting next to someone while they played a video game or making surprise dinners or randomly cleaning their room? Why did I enjoy that? Like, what makes you want to do that? I know...the answer is love of course...right? But what is love beside a pattern of hormones triggered by some sensory recognition, etc, etc <insert more big words>. I don't quite understand love anymore. There are occasions where I feel that tingly feeling in my stomach or that warmth in my heart as a reaction to someone's actions, but then there are times where I feel like it's pointless to feel those things. I know that I want to have that feeling when I see someone or hear their voice or hug them or whatever, but I don't know WHY. Am I supposed to know why? Once upon a time, love was simple. I felt it. I knew it was there. And I'd do anything and everything I could to hold on to it. Love was a belief I held onto like a security blanket. It was concrete. It existed, and I had it, and I defended it. Try telling me love doesn't exist 2 or 3 years ago. I wouldn't agree to a very high degree, but I'd leave people to their beliefs. I'm not one to push my beliefs on another, but I made sure to get my point across that I stood strongly in my belief of love. But now, I'm just like uh...some people have it, some people don't. I don't love love like I used to think I did. In a way I even dislike it. Mostly for it's confusion factor and the fact that it doesn't seem to like me very much either...
Anyway, I don't know why the concept of love (yes, "concept") bothers me so much lately. Beside that I had it when the year started and then quickly lost hold of it, it doesn't make much sense to me anymore. I don't even know why I want to know WHY. <insert confusion> *sigh*...
Oh love, why must thou treat me so?
<:3 )~ Mouse out.
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