That Feeling

I miss that feeling of being in love...looking in someone's eyes, or hearing their voice, or feeling their touch and just filling up with warmth until it explodes from your ears and finger tips. I know I'm keeping myself from relationships right now, but I miss that feeling. I miss going to sleep and feeling complete comfort. And it's weird, because the last time I was in love, I was the only one in it, but the rare occasions where I actually feel there were two of us and not just me are absolutely amazing. Simple moments in a day that would make my entire week feel like I just won the lottery. Feeling like the whole world could explode and I'd be completely happy as long as I was with that person when it happened. Being away for a weekend and feeling their warmth against you after just 2 days of being apart. Being away for a month and falling in love 50 times over again just seeing them on your computer screen.

I want that feeling back so badly right now...

Every now and then I get a taste of it in a song...from the voice of a street performer that may or may not have exchanged flirty glances with me...in poetry...in movies...

That feeling was stolen from me when this year started and I've been struggling with the side effects of the "withdrawal" for a lot longer than I expected.

I'm tired of being upset and angry and of crying tears that flow nowhere.

I have my heart back from the thief and I've locked it up for safe keeping. And I've realized that it takes a lot more than simply doing what I hope you would do to get my heart. I guess I've learned that I'm very picky. And I feel like I deserve to be. There was a time that I didn't care so much, but after two major scars from people telling you that you deserve everything you want and need, it's difficult to simply turn around and pretend you don't want to have everything you want. If this person that is everything I want supposedly really exists, why not pick everything apart until he's found?

...and when he's found...

IF I open my heart to him...

I'll just say that a third time might turn the intensity of my earthquake to a level unmeasurable on the Richter Scale.

Anger was never something I was very familiar with. I don't like it, but the more I encounter it, the less patience I have for the people that cause it.

*sigh*

I'm both tired of love and in need of it...such a dilemma is love.

later days,
mouse