Stuck

Every 2 months or so I find myself in this position where it feels like I'm stuck. Not even like I'm at a wall, but like I've just reached an abyss and there are no signs or directions or lights guiding me towards any particular path. There are no paths. I'm just in an empty place. I don't even know where the place is. It's strange...and confusing...and I don't really like being here, but I guess I'll find my way out in a few days as usual. This is the point where I wish someone would appear and take me up and save me from this confusion and loneliness like in the movies. I have friends that try. I have friends that really want to. But they are not in any position to be trying to save me from anything. It's ok to wish for some adorable, successful guy to just come knocking at your door and just fall in love with you right? Sounds like something from those novels women read. I've never read one of those. But I think I'd be pretty good at writing one if I really wanted to. I don't. I just want to not have to think for once. To just love and be loved. Maybe that's why I'm not trying very hard to get out of this house anymore. I don't have to think so much as just keep it clean. I'm not trying to take the easy way out. But to me, this is the most efficient way I guess. Another rent to pay and more bills would not make my life any easier. I'm happy with my space here. I'm happy with the freedoms I have. I'm just unhappy with myself I guess. I've disappointed myself somewhere down the line. I feel like I should still be in school, becoming a doctor or some other well-paid member of society. I love animation, but it wasn't the most stable choice to make. I just have a habit of not caring about whether or not I've put in enough time doing it. It's become less of a passion and more of a hobby I do when I don't feel like playing my guitar or blogging. And this is why I wish I had that someone. Just being with them would allow me to temporarily release myself from all of my worries and just be loved. Or maybe I'll worry about them more than I worry about myself. I don't need to worry about myself. I know in the end I'll have it all handled. Even if they'll have it handled in the end too, I like to have someone else to think about and look forward to seeing at the end of the day. To cuddle and watch movies with.

I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship. What I really mean is that I don't want to have to deal with someone else again if it doesn't work out. I just want to find the right one and get on with it. And I know that's impossible, but what isn't impossible is having a conversation with someone and knowing by the end of the convo that you would really like to know more about this person or hang out with them or something. I don't know. A lot of the time what happens is by the end of the convo I'm kind of bored or uncomfortable or I just think this person would make a good friend, but not someone I'd want to date.

How do I know this? Well, from my own experiences. I know what I DON'T want.

It's very confusing when the same people that tell me that I deserve so much also tell me I have high standards...

Blah...

Peace,
Nasia