I love cold weather
But not because I love shivering my butt off
I love cold weather because it gives me every excuse to stay as close to the people I love as I can
And they do the same to me.
Cold weather is not good for being alone.
I think from November to March is just a whole bunch of events to make single people feel like crap.
If you have a close family, things are a lot better.
But people who don't have close family, friends, or some kind of loved one or other passion get cold
I tend not to be a very passionate person on the outside.
I don't get excited often.
I don't want things often.
I don't have reasons to pursue grandiose dreams
I don't set my heart out to get things and then go get them
At least not often.
But when I do
Believe that I get those things.
When I'm excited for something to happen,
I do not get disappointed.
When I want something,
I make sure I get it.
When I pursue something,
The time comes when it is mine.
And when my heart is set,
There is no hammer or vicegrip of any size that can remove the sparkled diamond from my sight.
So why am I writing this blog?
Because I am the only one who can simply lift the diamond and put it back in my pocket for later.
And because I find myself in situations where my wants and excitements are set aside by me for someone else.
Why do I do that?
Well, if I don't, they will.
And that's not fair is it?
If you've been reading my blogs,
I know I haven't been saying much lately, but I want to go back to a post I wrote about "The Hero".
"Who saves the hero?"
I think I'm learning that the hero isn't always saved.
Saved from what exactly?
From loneliness and the coldness that is the world we live in.
From the sad darkness that fills all empty voids.
And I often find myself to be filling with this cold loneliness.
I watched something once about people being born with giant holes in their chests that they try to fill with things
I've yet to find something that satisfies the hole in my chest.
Every time I think I've filled it, cold air goes passing through.
Love, music, art, school, work, animals, people, family, friends
All of these things I try to fill it with,
But it seems to only grow larger.
It expands.
Allowing me to learn and love a little more
But always leaving that empty, unsatisfied space.
I keep saying that my love is without end.
And it's true.
I don't tire of love.
When I have it, I nurture it to grow and fill the void.
I give it with infinite generosity.
Where am I going?
What am I saying?
I'm saying that even love gets lonely.
Love reaches heights that no other thing can compare with, but it's cold and it's lonely up there.
The moon is cold and lonely.
Though you may fly me to it,
I don't want to be there alone.
I think that's all for now..
- Nasia
Friday, November 9, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
Can You Afford It Diet
Anyone ever ask you if you can afford something?
What does that mean exactly?
To me, it doesn't mean "do you have enough money in your wallet/bank account at this current moment to purchase this item."
To me, it means, if you buy this, will you be able to take care of other things that need to be paid for later on?
Will this purchase put a hold on any future purchases that you are responsible for?
There are plenty of times that I have the money to buy something, but I can't afford to spend that money on it because I may need it for gas or food later in the week.
Does that make sense?
I often see people buy things because they have the money, but without thinking about if they can afford it.
Maybe that's why I don't buy a whole lot of stuff. I usually can't afford things, and by the time I can afford it, I don't want it as much or at all.
It's the C.Y.A.I. diet. Can You Afford It?
Adopt this into your life and see how much money you save and how few things you buy that you don't actually want two weeks later.
Peace and stuff,
Mouse
What does that mean exactly?
To me, it doesn't mean "do you have enough money in your wallet/bank account at this current moment to purchase this item."
To me, it means, if you buy this, will you be able to take care of other things that need to be paid for later on?
Will this purchase put a hold on any future purchases that you are responsible for?
There are plenty of times that I have the money to buy something, but I can't afford to spend that money on it because I may need it for gas or food later in the week.
Does that make sense?
I often see people buy things because they have the money, but without thinking about if they can afford it.
Maybe that's why I don't buy a whole lot of stuff. I usually can't afford things, and by the time I can afford it, I don't want it as much or at all.
It's the C.Y.A.I. diet. Can You Afford It?
Adopt this into your life and see how much money you save and how few things you buy that you don't actually want two weeks later.
Peace and stuff,
Mouse
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Goals or something
In 2 Fridays I will be 22.
Before I turn 23, I want to make myself significantly better in as many ways as I can.
I want to know what it is I want to be doing for the next 5 or 10 years.
I want to be more flexible.
I want to be a better artist, musician, and writer.
How will this be measured?
Well, for the flexibility, it's fairly easy. I can't touch my toes without bending my knees and I can't do the splits either.
I want to be able to do both of these things before I turn 23 or at least be able to touch my toes.
I used to be able to.
I haven't been stretching...
The art is fairly easy to measure as my skill in drawing humans is lacking a lot.
I'll just compare my drawings for the next year and see if there's any improvement.
The same is said for my guitaring/keyboarding/singing...
I know that I am a better singer now than I was last year at this time. I wasn't even playing keyboard last year at this time so that's an improvement.
And my guitaring I don't feel like I've improved, but I know that I can a LOT and I want to.
I need to not be discouraged.
Or more so
I need to be encouraged.
As a kid, I would do things and my parents would be proud of it.
Now, it's kind of like I'm on my own for that.
But my work is not really anything I'm proud of anymore.
And no one else seems exceptionally fond of it.
My boyfriend likes it most of the time.
And his encouragement helps.
But I don't get it all the time.
Because he's far and busy getting his music and school together.
So, it's mostly just me for now.
...
I wonder if anyone even reads my blog anymore...
Besides myself...
Who knows...
It's hard to tell who really cares about your life you know?
I care about a lot of people.
I wish I could interact with more of them more often.
I don't know if they see me the same way.
I don't know if they are even the same person anymore.
But what I remember of them, I miss.
And what I see, I want to be a part of.
But most people like to jump in and out of my world as is convenient.
I hope Shakespeare wants to be around me all the time.
I hope I can call you Shakespeare.
If not, then you might be something more clever...
Something that fits who you are...
Can't wait to bring you home kitty...
Before I turn 23, I want to make myself significantly better in as many ways as I can.
I want to know what it is I want to be doing for the next 5 or 10 years.
I want to be more flexible.
I want to be a better artist, musician, and writer.
How will this be measured?
Well, for the flexibility, it's fairly easy. I can't touch my toes without bending my knees and I can't do the splits either.
I want to be able to do both of these things before I turn 23 or at least be able to touch my toes.
I used to be able to.
I haven't been stretching...
The art is fairly easy to measure as my skill in drawing humans is lacking a lot.
I'll just compare my drawings for the next year and see if there's any improvement.
The same is said for my guitaring/keyboarding/singing...
I know that I am a better singer now than I was last year at this time. I wasn't even playing keyboard last year at this time so that's an improvement.
And my guitaring I don't feel like I've improved, but I know that I can a LOT and I want to.
I need to not be discouraged.
Or more so
I need to be encouraged.
As a kid, I would do things and my parents would be proud of it.
Now, it's kind of like I'm on my own for that.
But my work is not really anything I'm proud of anymore.
And no one else seems exceptionally fond of it.
My boyfriend likes it most of the time.
And his encouragement helps.
But I don't get it all the time.
Because he's far and busy getting his music and school together.
So, it's mostly just me for now.
...
I wonder if anyone even reads my blog anymore...
Besides myself...
Who knows...
It's hard to tell who really cares about your life you know?
I care about a lot of people.
I wish I could interact with more of them more often.
I don't know if they see me the same way.
I don't know if they are even the same person anymore.
But what I remember of them, I miss.
And what I see, I want to be a part of.
But most people like to jump in and out of my world as is convenient.
I hope Shakespeare wants to be around me all the time.
I hope I can call you Shakespeare.
If not, then you might be something more clever...
Something that fits who you are...
Can't wait to bring you home kitty...
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Clarity
Why do people think that if they repeat something exactly the way they said it the first time,
that that is clearing it up?
I didn't understand what you wanted the first time you said it.
What makes you think I will understand when you say it the second time?
I keep asking questions because YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!
I ask questions so that when you look at what I did,
there's no reason it should be wrong
because I did what you told me you wanted.
But if I don't even know what you want
because you don't know how to give proper direction,
you can't tell me I did something wrong.
You didn't even tell me what to do right in the first place.
That's like saying take you to your house,
even though I don't even know who you are.
And if I ask where it is or what it looks like you reply with "MY HOUSE.
It looks like MY HOUSE."
Yes.
I know...
AND WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE?!
aghh....
It's so frustrating...
When someone doesn't understand,
and you NEED them to understand,
you CLARIFY by giving new examples and explaining things in a DIFFERENT way.
You answer their question with a NEW ANSWER.
NOOOOTTT the exact same thing you said before...
>_<
headache...
that that is clearing it up?
I didn't understand what you wanted the first time you said it.
What makes you think I will understand when you say it the second time?
I keep asking questions because YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!
I ask questions so that when you look at what I did,
there's no reason it should be wrong
because I did what you told me you wanted.
But if I don't even know what you want
because you don't know how to give proper direction,
you can't tell me I did something wrong.
You didn't even tell me what to do right in the first place.
That's like saying take you to your house,
even though I don't even know who you are.
And if I ask where it is or what it looks like you reply with "MY HOUSE.
It looks like MY HOUSE."
Yes.
I know...
AND WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE?!
aghh....
It's so frustrating...
When someone doesn't understand,
and you NEED them to understand,
you CLARIFY by giving new examples and explaining things in a DIFFERENT way.
You answer their question with a NEW ANSWER.
NOOOOTTT the exact same thing you said before...
>_<
headache...
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Hello
I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I guess I haven't really had much to say. Or...everything I do want to say, I just say to my boyfriend because I can do that now. I can say whatever is on my mind right to a live person who actually cares instead of to possibly no one or worse, to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I've also said a lot to Twitter I guess. Most things are just...short...bleh I'm bored...
Peace,
Mouse
Peace,
Mouse
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
YOLOSoLo
I was gonna tweet this, but it ended up getting too detailed...
In relationships, you fight and argue and say things you don't mean and you talk and compromise and move forward because life is too short to be mad. It's too short not to just get through with the issue and continue to love each other. You learn your lesson. You don't need to be punished or given consequences. Your consequences are this disruption in your happiness so now that it's over, go be happy. Go love and grow and learn. People keep saying that annoying YOLO crap, but they're using it in all the wrong ways. It should be "Y.O.L.O.So.Lo." You only live once, so love. Love often and as much as you can. Appreciate things. Make it known that you do. Tell people that you think they are wonderful. Smile. Life is frikin difficult enough. Don't make yourself go through it angry or depressed. Ever notice how people always say FML at the worst times? Start saying BML or something similar when things go wrong, then maybe things will go a little more right (Bless My Life).
Trusis,
Mouse <:3 )~
P.S.: Yea, I think I'm crazy. Every few months the mood of my blogs go from this type of optimistic thing to "Who Am I? What Am I Doing With My Life?" But that's what I have to do to figure out how to get back to here.
In relationships, you fight and argue and say things you don't mean and you talk and compromise and move forward because life is too short to be mad. It's too short not to just get through with the issue and continue to love each other. You learn your lesson. You don't need to be punished or given consequences. Your consequences are this disruption in your happiness so now that it's over, go be happy. Go love and grow and learn. People keep saying that annoying YOLO crap, but they're using it in all the wrong ways. It should be "Y.O.L.O.So.Lo." You only live once, so love. Love often and as much as you can. Appreciate things. Make it known that you do. Tell people that you think they are wonderful. Smile. Life is frikin difficult enough. Don't make yourself go through it angry or depressed. Ever notice how people always say FML at the worst times? Start saying BML or something similar when things go wrong, then maybe things will go a little more right (Bless My Life).
Trusis,
Mouse <:3 )~
P.S.: Yea, I think I'm crazy. Every few months the mood of my blogs go from this type of optimistic thing to "Who Am I? What Am I Doing With My Life?" But that's what I have to do to figure out how to get back to here.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
When You Need It The Least
So often it seems
Life hands you the things you don't need
Right when you need it the least
Bruises on top of cuts just to spread the pain
You finally find your way and life changes the lanes
When I finally stand up,
My audience boos me to sit back down
If you can't respect what I feel,
Then don't choose me to stick around.
You'll lose me before you hear the sound
Of another heartbeat pound
In my chest
I strive only to be my best
Though I feel my best is never as good as the rest
I found out who I was
And I fight for her
If that means fighting you
Then so be it
Have a problem with me?
Show me it
Cause I'd rather take care of this right now
I'm ready to fight now
No more standing in the back taking all the shots
Not letting anyone dim this light now
Hope you don't mind if I step away from the mic now
Sometimes I get a little emotional
And it drives me insane
And I know I've got a sword on the tip of my tongue
So many dragons these words have slain
That's why I don't talk too loud, or too much, or too often
I don't know the volume of my own voice so my insecurities
Soften my vocal chords and I sound uncertain
But give me a mic a stage and maybe even a curtain
Though that's not really necessary
And I'll give you a thought from a heart
That life handed too many things it didn't need
Right when I needed it the least
Life hands you the things you don't need
Right when you need it the least
Bruises on top of cuts just to spread the pain
You finally find your way and life changes the lanes
When I finally stand up,
My audience boos me to sit back down
If you can't respect what I feel,
Then don't choose me to stick around.
You'll lose me before you hear the sound
Of another heartbeat pound
In my chest
I strive only to be my best
Though I feel my best is never as good as the rest
I found out who I was
And I fight for her
If that means fighting you
Then so be it
Have a problem with me?
Show me it
Cause I'd rather take care of this right now
I'm ready to fight now
No more standing in the back taking all the shots
Not letting anyone dim this light now
Hope you don't mind if I step away from the mic now
Sometimes I get a little emotional
And it drives me insane
And I know I've got a sword on the tip of my tongue
So many dragons these words have slain
That's why I don't talk too loud, or too much, or too often
I don't know the volume of my own voice so my insecurities
Soften my vocal chords and I sound uncertain
But give me a mic a stage and maybe even a curtain
Though that's not really necessary
And I'll give you a thought from a heart
That life handed too many things it didn't need
Right when I needed it the least
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Waiting?
I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for things. Waiting for work to end. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting to see people. Waiting for events. At the same time, I feel like I do a lot. I work like 9 hours a day. I learn all sorts of things from crochet to keyboard. I write. I talk to people. I work out a bit. And then I still feel like I don't do anything at all. And I've been sleeping pretty poorly lately, too, which makes me super tired at work. I don't know what that's about. I haven't changed anything in my eating/sleeping cycle. It's like my body is exhausted but my mind is looking for something more. It's just eating everything up that I throw at it. I just get bored so quickly. I do something exciting and then it becomes boring after a while. And I feel like the time it takes to get boring is getting shorter. I'm excited for things in my future, but they seem to come and go so quickly or take forever. I get bored living in today. Yesterday, I was looking at my old blog posts...
Am I going crazy?
I keep asking that, but compared to all the other seemingly sane people, I feel like I must be crazy. I bet everyone feels that way. Probably...
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I work all day and can't wait until I talk to my boyfriend at night.
I'm in San Diego all week and can't wait until the weekends when I go to Los Angeles to be with my family.
There's something with this routine that I've fallen into, this life I've created, that I'm unhappy with.
There has to be.
Beside that most everyone I love is too far, I don't know what it could be.
Maybe that's it.
I don't have people out here to see besides my coworkers and even they live a fairly far distance from me so it's not like I can chill with them.
All of my other friends are living their lives in far off places.
I'm going to go crazy if I don't take myself out of this routine and get some people in my life.
Why am I on facebook 24/7?
Because that's where the people I love are and it's my only connection to most of them.
I can't say "get a life" because I have a great one.
I just need...
more life...
or something...
I need more love surrounding me...
More ways to output my love.
Idk...
Chill,
Mouse
Am I going crazy?
I keep asking that, but compared to all the other seemingly sane people, I feel like I must be crazy. I bet everyone feels that way. Probably...
I don't know what I'm waiting for.
I work all day and can't wait until I talk to my boyfriend at night.
I'm in San Diego all week and can't wait until the weekends when I go to Los Angeles to be with my family.
There's something with this routine that I've fallen into, this life I've created, that I'm unhappy with.
There has to be.
Beside that most everyone I love is too far, I don't know what it could be.
Maybe that's it.
I don't have people out here to see besides my coworkers and even they live a fairly far distance from me so it's not like I can chill with them.
All of my other friends are living their lives in far off places.
I'm going to go crazy if I don't take myself out of this routine and get some people in my life.
Why am I on facebook 24/7?
Because that's where the people I love are and it's my only connection to most of them.
I can't say "get a life" because I have a great one.
I just need...
more life...
or something...
I need more love surrounding me...
More ways to output my love.
Idk...
Chill,
Mouse
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
This Isn't Me
I'm not as strong as I used to be
Or maybe this is more difficult than I could have ever imagined
You can never prepare yourself for something like this
So why do I continue to try? To worry?
Why do phone calls make me anxious and depressed?
Why does anything oustide my usual routine fill me with bad thoughts?
Even after reassurance, I worry.
Nothing is in our control.
Am I losing control?
Or the illusion of control?
What's changed?
That's it.
I've lost control.
My imaginary world of control has been shattered and I'm lost.
I try leaving it to religion, to family, to love, to work, to hobbies, to distractions,
But it eats away at me.
My heart breaks too much
I've gained so much in my life
But I feel like none of it is worth what I've lost
At least not when I'm like this.
And as difficult as it is to hold in.
It's even more difficult to release
To talk about
To explain.
To ask for help.
But by myself I go crazy.
But I don't want to bring everyone down.
This isn't me.
This isn't Donasia.
I don't know what this is.
Pain.
I want to push everything away.
So I have nothing to worry about.
But what am I without you
My family and friends are what make me ME
I can't push it all away.
Besides, I'd probably just worry even MORE
Every time I see any one of them I take advantage of it.
It might not be visible
But every hug
I make sure I feel it
Every I love you
To every one of them
Maybe if I keep releasing the love, I won't feel the pain.
But when there is no one to show any love,
When it's just me,
It comes back.
When I sleep.
When I shower.
I have to stay occupied
My mind left to its own conventions is breeding ground for the worst inventions
Why?
This isn't me...
Friday, March 30, 2012
Life
is too short for anger and tears.
Too fast for closed eyes and closed ears
Life takes what it wants and doesn't return
And it rarely ever gives you what you truly deserve
But something about life tells us it's worth it
Running in all direction though our destination is predetermined
We're burning with life from the day we're born
If you're not busy living, what are you breathing for?
Life's too short to hold on to fears and regret
The things you put out determine the things you get
And if you make it to one point what's to stop your from rising higher
Every downfall's a minus but every step up is a multiplier
If you're not going forward, you're falling behind
There's only one button buddy, and it's not rewind.
Too fast for closed eyes and closed ears
Life takes what it wants and doesn't return
And it rarely ever gives you what you truly deserve
But something about life tells us it's worth it
Running in all direction though our destination is predetermined
We're burning with life from the day we're born
If you're not busy living, what are you breathing for?
Life's too short to hold on to fears and regret
The things you put out determine the things you get
And if you make it to one point what's to stop your from rising higher
Every downfall's a minus but every step up is a multiplier
If you're not going forward, you're falling behind
There's only one button buddy, and it's not rewind.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
A Prayer
Lord,
You have never steered me wrong.
In your hands I lay my heart.
With your help I will be strong.
From me, this pain shall part.
I put all my trust in you.
And I will worry no longer
Whatever you ask, I'll do.
For you make me stronger.
And Lord I know I'm a sinner
Forever grateful for your forgiveness
I need you now more than ever
To help cure this world of sickness
Not colds Lord I mean hate
I know you see it from your seat above
I'm not trying to spread the faith
Just want to infect the world with love
Lord I see you taking your angels home
A few you've accepted from my family
I know they sit beside you on your throne
I know they greeted you happily
Their lives put hope in the fallen
And their love for this world was immense
Lord I'm following their calling
So let's let this healing commence
My heart and soul are at your fingertips
I know they're only mine to borrow
So let them be like cargo ships
And bring love to this world of sorrow.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sugar Sync
Ehhhh..
It's like dropbox I suppose.
I have yet to try it fully, but it sounds cool.
You start with 5gb of space and get 500mb for each person you add. Perty nice.
Click Me :)
It's like dropbox I suppose.
I have yet to try it fully, but it sounds cool.
You start with 5gb of space and get 500mb for each person you add. Perty nice.
Click Me :)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Method of Happiness
If you want to be happy, there will be people that don't agree with your method of happiness...
to be continued...
to be continued...
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Decisions
Why do we make the choices we choose to make?
...
In the past few months I've learned one very strong lesson: You only have one life and it isn't promised.
You have to live your life the way you want to live it because you only get one so far as we know.
In the past few days I've made a few choices that some people look down on me for.
(I have to remember to come back to that statement for some detailed ranting.)
I have one life and I do all that I can to be happy in this very moment. My decisions now may or may not cause regrets later, but who knows if I'll even be around later to regret those decisions?
I choose to do what I want to do and I don't let anyone hold me back from my desires because this is MY life.
If I make a mistake I'll suffer for it and I move on.
I didn't get on this "pedestal" from holding back.
Today I heard a very great quote. "All progress is due to the unreasonable man."
If my logic is unreasonable to you, then so be it. It has brought me to great places.
I'm pretty sure lot's of people think God is unreasonable and look what he has done...
Da Vinci, Einstein, all of those "crazies" that are now magnificent.
My point...what was it...it doesn't matter.
God has taken many angels from my world;
Most of them in the past few months.
And I know they lived their lives doing what made them happy no matter what anyone else thought.
They took responsibility for their mistakes and always lived for the here and now.
If this is what will make me happy right now, then this is what I will do.
And I know that I have a huge family and lot's of friends full of support for everything I decide to do.
I can't help but feel like God is taking all his brightest lights to shine back before this year is over.
RIP Jayla and Gilani Taylor, Angelica Goins, and Ten Vazquez. <3
...
In the past few months I've learned one very strong lesson: You only have one life and it isn't promised.
You have to live your life the way you want to live it because you only get one so far as we know.
In the past few days I've made a few choices that some people look down on me for.
(I have to remember to come back to that statement for some detailed ranting.)
I have one life and I do all that I can to be happy in this very moment. My decisions now may or may not cause regrets later, but who knows if I'll even be around later to regret those decisions?
I choose to do what I want to do and I don't let anyone hold me back from my desires because this is MY life.
If I make a mistake I'll suffer for it and I move on.
I didn't get on this "pedestal" from holding back.
Today I heard a very great quote. "All progress is due to the unreasonable man."
If my logic is unreasonable to you, then so be it. It has brought me to great places.
I'm pretty sure lot's of people think God is unreasonable and look what he has done...
Da Vinci, Einstein, all of those "crazies" that are now magnificent.
My point...what was it...it doesn't matter.
God has taken many angels from my world;
Most of them in the past few months.
And I know they lived their lives doing what made them happy no matter what anyone else thought.
They took responsibility for their mistakes and always lived for the here and now.
If this is what will make me happy right now, then this is what I will do.
And I know that I have a huge family and lot's of friends full of support for everything I decide to do.
I can't help but feel like God is taking all his brightest lights to shine back before this year is over.
RIP Jayla and Gilani Taylor, Angelica Goins, and Ten Vazquez. <3
Monday, March 12, 2012
Heart-Headed
I think that's what people meant to say when the term "hard-headed" came about.
We fall and fall and fall, yet we never stop to think "Maybe this isn't a good idea. I'm going to stop."
And even if we do think that, our hearts quickly take over and make us do what it wants to do.
Even after following all the things I told myself I would follow,
My heart will still have it's way.
I'm stubborn.
My heart is stubborn.
"It's crazy how your heart just has a mind of its own." - Luke James
Yes, yes it is crazy.
...
<:3 )~
Mous3
We fall and fall and fall, yet we never stop to think "Maybe this isn't a good idea. I'm going to stop."
And even if we do think that, our hearts quickly take over and make us do what it wants to do.
Even after following all the things I told myself I would follow,
My heart will still have it's way.
I'm stubborn.
My heart is stubborn.
"It's crazy how your heart just has a mind of its own." - Luke James
Yes, yes it is crazy.
...
<:3 )~
Mous3
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Who Is Mous3?
Mous3 is...
a hard-working woman
with a loving family
and friends galore.
She's got love for days;
For centuries.
Mous3 is 5'3" on a good day
Probably weighs about 105 lbs.
She claims to be from Pluto.
It's true.
She's brown.
Brown hair.
Brown eyes.
Brown skin.
Brown.
Her favorite color is currently grey...
...She thinks.
She loves to knit, learn, write, sing, play guitar, spend time with family and friends, play outside, read instructables, inspire people, advise people, listen to new music, create new music, troubleshoot things, help people with their troubles, come up with new ideas for random things, watch magic tricks, drink jones soda, eat cookies, play cards, cuddle her cat, look at pictures of kittens and puppies, talk nonsense, make fun of her closest friends, sleep on the floor, color...
That list is long
She is constantly growing
And learning
About the world around her
And the world in her...
(The point of this whole blog?)
Mous3 lends out her hand to anyone she trusts
Mous3 trusts easy
She loves her job.
She's a game artist.
She has a Bachelor of Science in Computer Animation.
She's turning 22 this year.
She wants to travel.
Her heart has been broken many times.
Probably not as many times as a lot of people her age.
Maybe just as much.
Money does not motivate her in any way.
She handles it well.
She loves her body
Though she usually thinks she needs to gain a few pounds.
She wants to give blood.
She never weighs enough...
Or her heart rate is strangely high...
And therefore cannot give blood.
She feels like she has a bigger purpose in this world.
She hates greed and money.
Mous3 forgives.
Probably too easily.
She believes in a God.
All Gods.
But not the bible so much.
She wants to live a simple and satisfying life.
She hopes to learn many languages and have children one day.
She hopes they have the hunger to learn like she does.
She wants to be a teacher one day.
She loves math.
Ask her for Algebra help.
She loves it.
She accepts most challenges.
As long as she believes she can get over them...
Even if she can't YET
She believes she can do anything she puts her mind to.
She does everything she puts her mind to.
Those things don't always turn out as planned.
98% of the time they work out well.
She believes she was put on this planet to help shine a light in the dark places of certain lives.
She's tired now and doesn't want to continue this entry anymore.
Goodnight.
<:3 )~
Mous3
a hard-working woman
with a loving family
and friends galore.
She's got love for days;
For centuries.
Mous3 is 5'3" on a good day
Probably weighs about 105 lbs.
She claims to be from Pluto.
It's true.
She's brown.
Brown hair.
Brown eyes.
Brown skin.
Brown.
Her favorite color is currently grey...
...She thinks.
She loves to knit, learn, write, sing, play guitar, spend time with family and friends, play outside, read instructables, inspire people, advise people, listen to new music, create new music, troubleshoot things, help people with their troubles, come up with new ideas for random things, watch magic tricks, drink jones soda, eat cookies, play cards, cuddle her cat, look at pictures of kittens and puppies, talk nonsense, make fun of her closest friends, sleep on the floor, color...
That list is long
She is constantly growing
And learning
About the world around her
And the world in her...
(The point of this whole blog?)
Mous3 lends out her hand to anyone she trusts
Mous3 trusts easy
She loves her job.
She's a game artist.
She has a Bachelor of Science in Computer Animation.
She's turning 22 this year.
She wants to travel.
Her heart has been broken many times.
Probably not as many times as a lot of people her age.
Maybe just as much.
Money does not motivate her in any way.
She handles it well.
She loves her body
Though she usually thinks she needs to gain a few pounds.
She wants to give blood.
She never weighs enough...
Or her heart rate is strangely high...
And therefore cannot give blood.
She feels like she has a bigger purpose in this world.
She hates greed and money.
Mous3 forgives.
Probably too easily.
She believes in a God.
All Gods.
But not the bible so much.
She wants to live a simple and satisfying life.
She hopes to learn many languages and have children one day.
She hopes they have the hunger to learn like she does.
She wants to be a teacher one day.
She loves math.
Ask her for Algebra help.
She loves it.
She accepts most challenges.
As long as she believes she can get over them...
Even if she can't YET
She believes she can do anything she puts her mind to.
She does everything she puts her mind to.
Those things don't always turn out as planned.
98% of the time they work out well.
She believes she was put on this planet to help shine a light in the dark places of certain lives.
She's tired now and doesn't want to continue this entry anymore.
Goodnight.
<:3 )~
Mous3
Done
What are words?
They are a collection of letters, sounds, vibrations.
They are recognized patterns that we have given meanings to.
Everyday we trade these patterns in exchange for other patterns.
Attached to some of these patterns and vibrations are feelings.
What are feelings?
They are hormones.
Biological triggers.
We hear a certain word or pattern of words and a feeling is triggered.
Some feelings stronger than others.
Yet, it's even deeper than that.
We need the vibrations from a particular source for the particular feeling to be triggered.
Take the words "I love you."
Strong words. Right?
Sure.
If the right person says them.
Let's say, this right person says a lot of things.
You believe this person.
Because you have no reason not to.
Well, maybe you do have reasons.
Your past.
But this person is new.
Everyone deserves a chance to have a clean slate.
Past set aside.
You believe their words.
They speak them so well.
You let go of your past beliefs.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
This one is for real.
...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPEEEE
Pattern after pattern.
Vibration hits ear drum.
Hormone triggered.
Heart beats faster.
But it's a pattern.
...
Heartbreak.
WORDS.
I'm tired of them.
Prove to me that there is more to them than just vibrations and recognized patterns.
<:3 )~
Solo Mouse
They are a collection of letters, sounds, vibrations.
They are recognized patterns that we have given meanings to.
Everyday we trade these patterns in exchange for other patterns.
Attached to some of these patterns and vibrations are feelings.
What are feelings?
They are hormones.
Biological triggers.
We hear a certain word or pattern of words and a feeling is triggered.
Some feelings stronger than others.
Yet, it's even deeper than that.
We need the vibrations from a particular source for the particular feeling to be triggered.
Take the words "I love you."
Strong words. Right?
Sure.
If the right person says them.
Let's say, this right person says a lot of things.
You believe this person.
Because you have no reason not to.
Well, maybe you do have reasons.
Your past.
But this person is new.
Everyone deserves a chance to have a clean slate.
Past set aside.
You believe their words.
They speak them so well.
You let go of your past beliefs.
Maybe...
Just maybe...
This one is for real.
...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPEEEE
Pattern after pattern.
Vibration hits ear drum.
Hormone triggered.
Heart beats faster.
But it's a pattern.
...
Heartbreak.
WORDS.
I'm tired of them.
Prove to me that there is more to them than just vibrations and recognized patterns.
<:3 )~
Solo Mouse
Monday, March 5, 2012
Giving
Sometimes I wonder if I give too much, if there's such a thing as giving too much, and if there is, how much is too much, how do you know you're giving too much, and how do you NOT give so much, especially if you're already giving so much?
I also wonder if I don't take or ask for enough; do I demand too little and not get what I "deserve", and how do you know what you deserve. I'm told I don't take the credit for things I do. I don't always feel right about taking it. I guess that's also why I don't buy myself much.
I just do what I can when I can for whoever I can for this reason: If I can, and it helps, then why not?
There was a time I didn't even know if people took advantage of it because I'm always so willing to give and help. I didn't really care either. It never bothered me.
Now, I really don't feel like doing stuff sometimes. It's rare, but it happens. Problem? I feel selfish for not feeling like doing it when I'm completely capable and there's no reason not to do it beside that I don't feel like doing it.
I know so many people that can just take and buy and brag without feeling bad about it. I don't feel like they're being selfish for it though.
Why are there so few people that think like this? Who's supposed to help me understand when I'm helping everyone else?
I've always been the one explaining these things to myself...
I also wonder if I don't take or ask for enough; do I demand too little and not get what I "deserve", and how do you know what you deserve. I'm told I don't take the credit for things I do. I don't always feel right about taking it. I guess that's also why I don't buy myself much.
I just do what I can when I can for whoever I can for this reason: If I can, and it helps, then why not?
There was a time I didn't even know if people took advantage of it because I'm always so willing to give and help. I didn't really care either. It never bothered me.
Now, I really don't feel like doing stuff sometimes. It's rare, but it happens. Problem? I feel selfish for not feeling like doing it when I'm completely capable and there's no reason not to do it beside that I don't feel like doing it.
I know so many people that can just take and buy and brag without feeling bad about it. I don't feel like they're being selfish for it though.
Why are there so few people that think like this? Who's supposed to help me understand when I'm helping everyone else?
I've always been the one explaining these things to myself...
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Worry
Worry.
Why do I do it?
A question I have a hell of a time answering.
Because I care?
Sure. But I care about a lot of things/people that I don't worry about.
Because I have trust issues?
No. I don't have trust issues. Not unless you give me a reason to have them. Innocent until proven guilty.
Because I'm a woman?
That's not a good enough reason to me.
I don't think anything will be a good enough reason.
...I don't want to worry.
And the more I do it, the worse its symptoms get.
What are its symptoms?
Well, they start with simple questions...
What did they last say they were doing?
What could be inhibiting communication?
When was the last time we spoke?
Most of it, I can get through with simple explanations that make complete sense to me.
Phones dying, lack of access to internet, dumb friends taking phones because "you text too much", etc.
But that's only the first stage.
After an hour or two later with still no hint of anything,
the questions return, with a few more "out there" questions, but the answers are still relatively easy.
Could something have happened?
Are the people they're with trustworthy?
The questions then elevate and the lack of answers causes this anxiety...
The whole time, trying to talk myself out of this insanity I'm creating in myself.
But I get all worked up and kind of scared even.
What if something did happen?
What do I do?
Why can't I just chill?
It drives me almost to insanity.
But then...
Then I get tired, angry, upset.
The answers to the questions don't matter anymore, but there better be a good explanation later.
I don't know what the results are if the explanation isn't good.
Because I usually get all worked up for no reason.
The whole event was established because of one of the first reasons I thought of.
But I can't help it.
A simple lack of access to long distance communication can create an entire world of insanity in my whole body.
Of course, distractions tend to highly suppress all of this, but sometimes they don't.
Sometimes I just go to bed and hope that I wake up to something amazing.
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I just figure out how to let it go.
But I don't like that option anymore.
And I hate the option of going to bed upset, but I guess it's not something completely new...
I don't worry about a lot, but the things/people I do worry about seem to exercise this muscle often enough to drive me a little crazy for some time.
The mouse hates nights like these. >__>
Why do I do it?
A question I have a hell of a time answering.
Because I care?
Sure. But I care about a lot of things/people that I don't worry about.
Because I have trust issues?
No. I don't have trust issues. Not unless you give me a reason to have them. Innocent until proven guilty.
Because I'm a woman?
That's not a good enough reason to me.
I don't think anything will be a good enough reason.
...I don't want to worry.
And the more I do it, the worse its symptoms get.
What are its symptoms?
Well, they start with simple questions...
What did they last say they were doing?
What could be inhibiting communication?
When was the last time we spoke?
Most of it, I can get through with simple explanations that make complete sense to me.
Phones dying, lack of access to internet, dumb friends taking phones because "you text too much", etc.
But that's only the first stage.
After an hour or two later with still no hint of anything,
the questions return, with a few more "out there" questions, but the answers are still relatively easy.
Could something have happened?
Are the people they're with trustworthy?
The questions then elevate and the lack of answers causes this anxiety...
The whole time, trying to talk myself out of this insanity I'm creating in myself.
But I get all worked up and kind of scared even.
What if something did happen?
What do I do?
Why can't I just chill?
It drives me almost to insanity.
But then...
Then I get tired, angry, upset.
The answers to the questions don't matter anymore, but there better be a good explanation later.
I don't know what the results are if the explanation isn't good.
Because I usually get all worked up for no reason.
The whole event was established because of one of the first reasons I thought of.
But I can't help it.
A simple lack of access to long distance communication can create an entire world of insanity in my whole body.
Of course, distractions tend to highly suppress all of this, but sometimes they don't.
Sometimes I just go to bed and hope that I wake up to something amazing.
Sometimes I do.
Sometimes I just figure out how to let it go.
But I don't like that option anymore.
And I hate the option of going to bed upset, but I guess it's not something completely new...
I don't worry about a lot, but the things/people I do worry about seem to exercise this muscle often enough to drive me a little crazy for some time.
The mouse hates nights like these. >__>
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Moments
There are those moments you share with someone special that make you go "awww" and then there are those moments that make you go "damn..." Your heart stops or starts or does both or nothing at all. You really can't tell, but time freezes. You know that's for certain. You're suddenly the only two people in the world. And no matter how far you are, it's like you're locked inside of each other in a paradox of warmth.
There are also moments where you can see the color of the world of your special someone. Moments when you see through their eyes at the dim greyness that seems to be filling them and all you want to do is take a box of crayons, whether it be a pack of 4 or 256. You just want to put the color back in their world and you'd try everything.
These are the moments in which you grow together.
There are also moments where you can see the color of the world of your special someone. Moments when you see through their eyes at the dim greyness that seems to be filling them and all you want to do is take a box of crayons, whether it be a pack of 4 or 256. You just want to put the color back in their world and you'd try everything.
These are the moments in which you grow together.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Deeper Purpose
You ever have a moment where you feel like you were put in someone's life for a specific reason or like they were put in yours for a reason. Like a deeper purpose than just to know each other. It's like a moment where it just sort of hits you like an epiphany where you're almost in an out of body experience and you're looking at yourself and you just feel like you were put here in this situation for more than just the surface reason.
What I'm getting at is, I've been put in Chula Vista with this awesome job with my brother, but it's been so much more than that. I've gotten to know my coworkers and all of course. But I've really gotten to know my boss, too. And I've found I really care about all of their lives. And it feels like between my brother and my boss there's this deeper relationship so much so that they remind me of each other. And I see how they are and their vulnerabilities and strengths. And I'm often in a position of observing their interactions or conversations and I'm a part of them as well, but I mostly just listen. And I really care about it all. I care about these people greatly and specifically with my brother and my boss, I feel like my presence in their worlds is both making me grow and somehow helping them, too. I don't feel like I'm just another employee or artist or something.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. Hm...here's an example. One night my boss' wife drove me home from work and we were talking about random stuff and I was getting to know her and I was really interested and cared about what she was saying. And it felt really awesome to be a part of these peoples' lives. I'm not just a cog in this machine. And this machine is so much more organic than mechanic. It's just awesome.
I love this job and the people I work with. I'm extremely thankful for it all.
Thank You,
Donasia
What I'm getting at is, I've been put in Chula Vista with this awesome job with my brother, but it's been so much more than that. I've gotten to know my coworkers and all of course. But I've really gotten to know my boss, too. And I've found I really care about all of their lives. And it feels like between my brother and my boss there's this deeper relationship so much so that they remind me of each other. And I see how they are and their vulnerabilities and strengths. And I'm often in a position of observing their interactions or conversations and I'm a part of them as well, but I mostly just listen. And I really care about it all. I care about these people greatly and specifically with my brother and my boss, I feel like my presence in their worlds is both making me grow and somehow helping them, too. I don't feel like I'm just another employee or artist or something.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. Hm...here's an example. One night my boss' wife drove me home from work and we were talking about random stuff and I was getting to know her and I was really interested and cared about what she was saying. And it felt really awesome to be a part of these peoples' lives. I'm not just a cog in this machine. And this machine is so much more organic than mechanic. It's just awesome.
I love this job and the people I work with. I'm extremely thankful for it all.
Thank You,
Donasia
Friday, January 27, 2012
Naked and Crying
"I plan to start the new year the same way I started my life- naked and crying."Totally just read that here. It's number 2691. Anyway, it sparked an idea in my mind about my 21st birthday. I don't even remember if I blogged about that, but I can tell you that I don't remember much of that night. I DO remember crying and being bathed though. Not sure about bright lights so much, I feel like my eyes were closed most of the time. I remember waking up the next morning wondering where I was: in my mom's bed. And what had happened the night before. I wasn't naked though. I had shorts and a sports bra, which I guess is less than I normally wake up in (pajamas). Either way, a lot was solved for me that night outside of my decision to not drink so much ever again and ultimately to maybe even just not drink anymore. I might sip a cooler or a fancy glass of champagne on another new year's day or something of that sort, but the casual drinking thing is pretty lame and unnecessary and, yea, you know my take on it if you've read my other blogs or just know me that well. Since that day, all of my songs have been labelled under the album title "Chapter 21." (Which I find amusing because of Adele's album 21 and such. Great minds think alike, yea?) Any who, turning 21 was a bit of a rebirth for me. Between 18 and 21, I've experienced, love, heartbreak, death, employment, unemployment, frustration, happiness, false hopes, anger, independence, success, failure, and many other things. I'm 9 months away from Chapter 22, but this one, as I'm sure I've said before, isn't going to be labelled a "chapter." Level 22, power ups, skill points, etc. That's what I'm going for. They can be called "Chapter 2011" and "Level 2012" even. That would be appropriate.
Peace and Love and Stuff,
<:3 )~
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Troubles
Troubles
Everyone in the universe has them though
One would think we'd have figured out some way to get rid of them
But troubles are a virus that our lame excuses for cures will not solve
Even the smallest ones make our minds revolve around them
Continuosly searching for solutions until we've found them
Or have given up on caring
Because sometimes giving up is easier
Than troubling yourself with troubles
Sometimes putting your head between your knees
Is better than drowning in a sea of inexplainable bubbles
Boiling as far as the eye can taste
The energy gained from troubles solved
Never seems equal to, but instead amount to less than
The energy we had to waste
To get the problem solved in the first place
But what good is leaving a problem untangled
When you inevitably get back to it
And you find your mind mangled
Once again by the same issue
That you put aside the month before
Finally caught back up to you with your shoes untied
And your pants on the floor
If only you'd have kept your head between your shoulders and away from you knees
But here's your chance to redeem yourself so please
Pack your strongest guns and wear that yellow helmet you got from the short bus
Because if I'm not getting out of this life alive
Neither are my troubles
-Donasia
Everyone in the universe has them though
One would think we'd have figured out some way to get rid of them
But troubles are a virus that our lame excuses for cures will not solve
Even the smallest ones make our minds revolve around them
Continuosly searching for solutions until we've found them
Or have given up on caring
Because sometimes giving up is easier
Than troubling yourself with troubles
Sometimes putting your head between your knees
Is better than drowning in a sea of inexplainable bubbles
Boiling as far as the eye can taste
The energy gained from troubles solved
Never seems equal to, but instead amount to less than
The energy we had to waste
To get the problem solved in the first place
But what good is leaving a problem untangled
When you inevitably get back to it
And you find your mind mangled
Once again by the same issue
That you put aside the month before
Finally caught back up to you with your shoes untied
And your pants on the floor
If only you'd have kept your head between your shoulders and away from you knees
But here's your chance to redeem yourself so please
Pack your strongest guns and wear that yellow helmet you got from the short bus
Because if I'm not getting out of this life alive
Neither are my troubles
-Donasia
Monday, January 23, 2012
Standing
Standing inside a studio
Waiting for a chance to inspire
A soul, a heart, a mind
To hear what you have to say
Standing in front of a producer
Who stands under lights
On stages, behind mics
In front of crowds of fans
Standing in front of a past
That brought you to the present
To this glint of light
That could outshine the sun
Standing beside me
Hand in hand
Waiting for our turn
To rise
Waiting for a chance to inspire
A soul, a heart, a mind
To hear what you have to say
Standing in front of a producer
Who stands under lights
On stages, behind mics
In front of crowds of fans
Standing in front of a past
That brought you to the present
To this glint of light
That could outshine the sun
Standing beside me
Hand in hand
Waiting for our turn
To rise
When/If
It's interesting how much a sentence's meaning can change by simply changing one word.
If ___ happens, then ____.
Versus
When ____ happes, then ____.
Mi toro y yo had a talk about it once. Not the kind of talk that assumes we're gonna get married and all that. It's too soon for that (I don't know who defines what "too soon" is). Any who, he asked if talking about that stuff made me uncomfortable or anything like that, which it did not. It's almost been 3 months that we've been together now. I don't know how to gauge what society finds to be "okay" times in a relationship to start talking about certain subjects or whatever. But I told him as long as he knows the difference between if's and when's then everything is cool. I told him I've thought about IF we ever had kids, I think they'd be super cute and I'd probably name a boy Gabriel. And we've talked about things like that. We haven't talked about marriage and all that stuff. I don't really even have a clue what I'd want my wedding to be like when I am ready to get married. But we have talked about if we lived together, what things would be like and such. I think you don't really know someone until you live with them. And if living with them doesn't change your view of them, well that's obviously a good thing.
The reason I'm writing about this is because, the other night, we were pulling up to my house and he said "when we have our own place..." and continued on, and when he was done I replied "you said when," and smiled. He was like "oh...sorry babe, i was just saying..." But it didn't bother me. Made me pretty happy actually. So of course I reassured him it was alright.
I just started thinking about that because I tweeted "I wish I could come home to him." And of course we'd have to live together for that. It still feels like some far off future event that can possibly occur, but isn't certain, but I really hope it does. I don't get in a relationship with someone that I don't hope to one day marry. Dating is the sort of trial state until you get to that point where you just know each other so well and love each other to an undying degree. Where it's just like, getting married only changes the title of the bond and sets it deeper into the Earth...
bah...falling asleep still...
I got 2 hours of sleep...
Read the last entry to find out why.
Peace, For now,
Mouse <:3 )~
If ___ happens, then ____.
Versus
When ____ happes, then ____.
Mi toro y yo had a talk about it once. Not the kind of talk that assumes we're gonna get married and all that. It's too soon for that (I don't know who defines what "too soon" is). Any who, he asked if talking about that stuff made me uncomfortable or anything like that, which it did not. It's almost been 3 months that we've been together now. I don't know how to gauge what society finds to be "okay" times in a relationship to start talking about certain subjects or whatever. But I told him as long as he knows the difference between if's and when's then everything is cool. I told him I've thought about IF we ever had kids, I think they'd be super cute and I'd probably name a boy Gabriel. And we've talked about things like that. We haven't talked about marriage and all that stuff. I don't really even have a clue what I'd want my wedding to be like when I am ready to get married. But we have talked about if we lived together, what things would be like and such. I think you don't really know someone until you live with them. And if living with them doesn't change your view of them, well that's obviously a good thing.
The reason I'm writing about this is because, the other night, we were pulling up to my house and he said "when we have our own place..." and continued on, and when he was done I replied "you said when," and smiled. He was like "oh...sorry babe, i was just saying..." But it didn't bother me. Made me pretty happy actually. So of course I reassured him it was alright.
I just started thinking about that because I tweeted "I wish I could come home to him." And of course we'd have to live together for that. It still feels like some far off future event that can possibly occur, but isn't certain, but I really hope it does. I don't get in a relationship with someone that I don't hope to one day marry. Dating is the sort of trial state until you get to that point where you just know each other so well and love each other to an undying degree. Where it's just like, getting married only changes the title of the bond and sets it deeper into the Earth...
bah...falling asleep still...
I got 2 hours of sleep...
Read the last entry to find out why.
Peace, For now,
Mouse <:3 )~
Monday Morning Blues
My car is broken outside of my apartment in the middle of the street next to the spot that it's supposed to be parked in. Tow truck will be here in about 20 minutes or so to put it where it belongs because we can't push it...or more so, it can't be pushed. And it's soooooo cold. All I want is my baby next to me, cuddled in bed, sleeping. Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day.
On the plus side, I got to spend all weekend with my Toro again. So that's awesome. Lot's of dancing. Lot's of sleeping. We even went to a studio and met some cool people. Aaaaand Usher and Alicia Keys were in the studio across from us, but we didn't get to meet them. But we did see them writing and talking to people and what not. And we'll be able to go back to the studio some time. Just gotta set up the dates.
At the end of the night, at least he got to experience that. The producer thought he was great. Everybody thought he was great. I hope things really get going for him.
I feel like I've been slightly distant, but not...at the same time. I want to spend time with JUST him. No one to get between or distract us. Just me and him and whatever we want to do. I could just lay my head on his chest and watch movies all day.
I could just hold him tight and cry right now >__<
I'm so tired. And I miss him so much.
I could spend a whole year with him and still miss him in the little bit of time we're apart. How do I know? I know me and how I feel. And that's enough.
<Off Topic..sorta> I'm honestly tired of the people that keep judging me and my decisions and the things I say. The people that take what they think they see and try to define it. It's like Kelly Clarkson's new song on the radio "Ain't it something y'all; when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do." I know a few "Mr.KnowItAll"s and it's really...disappointing and frustrating. ESPECIALLY when their own history is just as bumpy or even more bumpy than my own.
Blah...
Forgot to mention my neck is sore...actually a lot of me is sore. And I'm hungry.
And these Lucky Charms are stale...but I'm gonna eat them anyway...
There's so much on my mind right now.
And I can't even write about it except for to complain right here.
A while ago I was talking to my Toro about how I don't want to really drink anymore and this weekend the subject came up of my disapproval of drinking. I originally told him not to let how I feel about me drinking affect whether or not he enjoys it and I guess it kind of shows that even that bothers me. I don't want it to. I don't want to make him change how he feels about it because of how I feel about it unless it's how he feels about it already. I don't want it to be BECAUSE of me. You know? I hate that image of the typical girlfriend that changes her boyfriend into whatever it is they want to change him into. I don't want to change him. I'm just bothered by alcohol intake. And it's not just when he does it, it's when anyone I'm enjoying time with does it. I kinda feel like they aren't themselves anymore. The same way I feel like I'm not really myself when I drink. If you don't remember something you did because you were drinking, I don't feel like it was you that did it. Idk. I hope that makes sense. I just don't feel like drinking is necessary. It doesn't help anything. It just makes you feel like crap. And it tastes like crap. It feels wasteful and pointless to me and I guess I wouldn't be Donasia if I didn't say that I try to make everything have some sort of point. I put logic to EVERYTHING. I can't help it. Well, kinda. When it affects me, or is directed towards me, or anything having to do with me (directly or indirectly) I dissect, analyze, and put logic to it. It gets organized and stored for later usage, which would seem to make a useless storage of information, but these things come in handy...I forgot what my point was.
Drinking is pointless to me and just makes me feel like the people I'm hanging out with that are drinking aren't the people I originally sat down with before thy started drinking. Prime example? My best friend. He's not himself when he drinks...or he's a few parts of himself set to an extreme level that is too obnoxious to continue writing about. He wants to see me drunk. I don't want to be drunk because I don't like losing control of myself or my world. Alcohol takes that control and I don't know where it puts it, but for the time I'm under its influence, I would rather be sober, enjoying my friends and family and remembering stuff. Alcohol is dumb. That's it.
I'm falling asleep writing this...typing...whatever...
:( I miss him
Happy(ier) Monday...
Nasia
On the plus side, I got to spend all weekend with my Toro again. So that's awesome. Lot's of dancing. Lot's of sleeping. We even went to a studio and met some cool people. Aaaaand Usher and Alicia Keys were in the studio across from us, but we didn't get to meet them. But we did see them writing and talking to people and what not. And we'll be able to go back to the studio some time. Just gotta set up the dates.
At the end of the night, at least he got to experience that. The producer thought he was great. Everybody thought he was great. I hope things really get going for him.
I feel like I've been slightly distant, but not...at the same time. I want to spend time with JUST him. No one to get between or distract us. Just me and him and whatever we want to do. I could just lay my head on his chest and watch movies all day.
I could just hold him tight and cry right now >__<
I'm so tired. And I miss him so much.
I could spend a whole year with him and still miss him in the little bit of time we're apart. How do I know? I know me and how I feel. And that's enough.
<Off Topic..sorta> I'm honestly tired of the people that keep judging me and my decisions and the things I say. The people that take what they think they see and try to define it. It's like Kelly Clarkson's new song on the radio "Ain't it something y'all; when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do." I know a few "Mr.KnowItAll"s and it's really...disappointing and frustrating. ESPECIALLY when their own history is just as bumpy or even more bumpy than my own.
Blah...
Forgot to mention my neck is sore...actually a lot of me is sore. And I'm hungry.
And these Lucky Charms are stale...but I'm gonna eat them anyway...
There's so much on my mind right now.
And I can't even write about it except for to complain right here.
A while ago I was talking to my Toro about how I don't want to really drink anymore and this weekend the subject came up of my disapproval of drinking. I originally told him not to let how I feel about me drinking affect whether or not he enjoys it and I guess it kind of shows that even that bothers me. I don't want it to. I don't want to make him change how he feels about it because of how I feel about it unless it's how he feels about it already. I don't want it to be BECAUSE of me. You know? I hate that image of the typical girlfriend that changes her boyfriend into whatever it is they want to change him into. I don't want to change him. I'm just bothered by alcohol intake. And it's not just when he does it, it's when anyone I'm enjoying time with does it. I kinda feel like they aren't themselves anymore. The same way I feel like I'm not really myself when I drink. If you don't remember something you did because you were drinking, I don't feel like it was you that did it. Idk. I hope that makes sense. I just don't feel like drinking is necessary. It doesn't help anything. It just makes you feel like crap. And it tastes like crap. It feels wasteful and pointless to me and I guess I wouldn't be Donasia if I didn't say that I try to make everything have some sort of point. I put logic to EVERYTHING. I can't help it. Well, kinda. When it affects me, or is directed towards me, or anything having to do with me (directly or indirectly) I dissect, analyze, and put logic to it. It gets organized and stored for later usage, which would seem to make a useless storage of information, but these things come in handy...I forgot what my point was.
Drinking is pointless to me and just makes me feel like the people I'm hanging out with that are drinking aren't the people I originally sat down with before thy started drinking. Prime example? My best friend. He's not himself when he drinks...or he's a few parts of himself set to an extreme level that is too obnoxious to continue writing about. He wants to see me drunk. I don't want to be drunk because I don't like losing control of myself or my world. Alcohol takes that control and I don't know where it puts it, but for the time I'm under its influence, I would rather be sober, enjoying my friends and family and remembering stuff. Alcohol is dumb. That's it.
I'm falling asleep writing this...typing...whatever...
:( I miss him
Happy(ier) Monday...
Nasia
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Missing You
Your hands reach out
From behind the screen
And I feel you touch my cheek
But I'm just imagining
Because technology's not that advanced
But if it were I'd take hold of your hands
And you could pull me through the picture
Like they do in Blue's Clues
But what Blue can do, we can't do
But if we could you know
All my dreams would come true
I just want to be close to you
My heart feels heavy
With you so far
Barely want to leave my bed
Won't even step into the car
Unless I'm driving it to you
The only place my heart leads me
Your eyes and your smile
The only things that relieve me
Of this pleasant torture
That we endure every day on skype
Audio quality is low
But I can hear you say goodnight
Fall asleep in your arms
In my imaginary theater
Feeling your warmth
Sent from you, through my heater
Your heart beat resounding in my ear
My heart cries out wishing you were here...
Can't wait for next weekend.
I miss you so much.
Longing for your kisses.
Crying out for your touch.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.
So fond is this heart of mine be.
I wish I could visit every day
Just to feel you next to me.
From behind the screen
And I feel you touch my cheek
But I'm just imagining
Because technology's not that advanced
But if it were I'd take hold of your hands
And you could pull me through the picture
Like they do in Blue's Clues
But what Blue can do, we can't do
But if we could you know
All my dreams would come true
I just want to be close to you
My heart feels heavy
With you so far
Barely want to leave my bed
Won't even step into the car
Unless I'm driving it to you
The only place my heart leads me
Your eyes and your smile
The only things that relieve me
Of this pleasant torture
That we endure every day on skype
Audio quality is low
But I can hear you say goodnight
Fall asleep in your arms
In my imaginary theater
Feeling your warmth
Sent from you, through my heater
Your heart beat resounding in my ear
My heart cries out wishing you were here...
Can't wait for next weekend.
I miss you so much.
Longing for your kisses.
Crying out for your touch.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.
So fond is this heart of mine be.
I wish I could visit every day
Just to feel you next to me.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Liars
You know what's annoying?
Liars.
You know what's worse?
Liars that get other people to believe their lies and let those people run around carrying out the dirty work behind the lies.
And you know what's even more worse than that?
When the liars are loan collectors and the person running around for them is your grandma.
I love my grandma. And I would never do anything to slander her or talk bad about her or hurt her feelings. She cosigned for my student loans so I could finish school and for that I am grateful, but that isn't the point of this entry.
See, I couldn't pay my loans for some time because I didn't have any money (reason I took the loans out in the first place). They call ALL THE TIME bugging about the money like somehow them calling is going to put money in my bank account. No! Idiots...it doesn't work like that. Anyway, they call my grandma all the time, too, who then calls me as well. So then I have loan collectors calling me to pay them and my grandma calling me to pay them as well. What do I do? I try my hardest to please everyone and pay my loans without becoming an emotional wreck, which, if you read any of my blogs, you would know that's nearly impossible. Soooo, I make some payments finally and get a great job and set up a plan with the loan people to just take the money out of my account each month. Everyone is happy. No more calls. No more dealing with anyone. Money just goes and I don't have to think/stress about it. Right? NO! It can't work that way. Of course.
Payment day comes and goes. I still have all my money. Next payment day comes and goes. My grandma is calling me. Sallie Mae is calling me. WTF?!?!?! Okay, so I tell her what I did and she tells me that they don't have my account on file. Finally, when I have the time (because I work all day and they aren't open on weekends) I call and make a payment. Okay, so they don't have my account on file anymore. I give them my account to put on file. THEY HAVE MY FRIKIN ACCOUNT NOW RIGHT? Keep reading.
Not too long ago I get a text from my grandma. These people won't stop calling her. They need my account number. I tell her what I did, but they STILL say they don't have my account. I JUST gave it to them before last year ended. Literally. Did 2012 break their computers? No. They're just IDIOTS. So what do I do? I tell her I'll have my mom take care of it. I get home. I make a payment online. Why didn't I do that before? Because for the longest time their online payment system was...more frustrating than the automated machines that answer when you call to make payments. It's "simpler" now. And so I'll probably stick to doing it this way.
And if I EVER meet someone that works for Sallie Mae or any loan company really...hopefully I have a pet shark by then...
Dear Loan Collectors,
Get eaten by a shark.
Thank You,
Donasia B.
Liars.
You know what's worse?
Liars that get other people to believe their lies and let those people run around carrying out the dirty work behind the lies.
And you know what's even more worse than that?
When the liars are loan collectors and the person running around for them is your grandma.
I love my grandma. And I would never do anything to slander her or talk bad about her or hurt her feelings. She cosigned for my student loans so I could finish school and for that I am grateful, but that isn't the point of this entry.
See, I couldn't pay my loans for some time because I didn't have any money (reason I took the loans out in the first place). They call ALL THE TIME bugging about the money like somehow them calling is going to put money in my bank account. No! Idiots...it doesn't work like that. Anyway, they call my grandma all the time, too, who then calls me as well. So then I have loan collectors calling me to pay them and my grandma calling me to pay them as well. What do I do? I try my hardest to please everyone and pay my loans without becoming an emotional wreck, which, if you read any of my blogs, you would know that's nearly impossible. Soooo, I make some payments finally and get a great job and set up a plan with the loan people to just take the money out of my account each month. Everyone is happy. No more calls. No more dealing with anyone. Money just goes and I don't have to think/stress about it. Right? NO! It can't work that way. Of course.
Payment day comes and goes. I still have all my money. Next payment day comes and goes. My grandma is calling me. Sallie Mae is calling me. WTF?!?!?! Okay, so I tell her what I did and she tells me that they don't have my account on file. Finally, when I have the time (because I work all day and they aren't open on weekends) I call and make a payment. Okay, so they don't have my account on file anymore. I give them my account to put on file. THEY HAVE MY FRIKIN ACCOUNT NOW RIGHT? Keep reading.
Not too long ago I get a text from my grandma. These people won't stop calling her. They need my account number. I tell her what I did, but they STILL say they don't have my account. I JUST gave it to them before last year ended. Literally. Did 2012 break their computers? No. They're just IDIOTS. So what do I do? I tell her I'll have my mom take care of it. I get home. I make a payment online. Why didn't I do that before? Because for the longest time their online payment system was...more frustrating than the automated machines that answer when you call to make payments. It's "simpler" now. And so I'll probably stick to doing it this way.
And if I EVER meet someone that works for Sallie Mae or any loan company really...hopefully I have a pet shark by then...
Dear Loan Collectors,
Get eaten by a shark.
Thank You,
Donasia B.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Emotional
Why must I be so...
When I want to say yes and I still say no
When my body's walking away, but I don't want to go
But you can look at me and I'll smile because I hate to show
That I'm so...
Just so...
And the smallest thing might hurt my feelings
But I hate to lose that control
And even more so I hate revealing
Well you know
That I'm so...
Just so...
Sometimes it's temporary
Like the quick rain showers of Orlando
Sometimes it's so much worse
And the flood gates burst...
I wish I knew how to deal with it
After 21 years you'd think I'd know...
But I don't.
When I want to say yes and I still say no
When my body's walking away, but I don't want to go
But you can look at me and I'll smile because I hate to show
That I'm so...
Just so...
And the smallest thing might hurt my feelings
But I hate to lose that control
And even more so I hate revealing
Well you know
That I'm so...
Just so...
Sometimes it's temporary
Like the quick rain showers of Orlando
Sometimes it's so much worse
And the flood gates burst...
I wish I knew how to deal with it
After 21 years you'd think I'd know...
But I don't.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
2012 Resolution
Last year I made a resolution to get out of my mom's house, get a real job, get fit, and because of events that occurred after my original resolution was made, I also wanted to get control of my heart. As the year began to end I was almost beginning to think 2011 was just gonna be one of those terrible years I'd look back on. Though a lot of unfortunate events took place, 2011 has redeemed itself in a way. For one, I eventually got a great job that I love and that I believe I'm becoming very valuable in. If not valuable, they at least like me and my work a lot. Either way, I've found myself in a very good place with very good people. Because of this job, I was able to move out of my mom's house. That's half of my resolution already. At the beginning of 2011 I was working out with my uncle and got my body back into the shape I like it to be in. Everyone keeps saying "oh you're already fit you don't need to work out", but no, I had to. I'm a perfectionist. And my body wasn't where I wanted it to be, but now it is. And I'm happy with it. To top it off, I've got this guy...now, you probably have been reading my blogs, or not, but you should maybe skim the previous ones to know that I have a "complex" if you will...that's my best way of explaining it. I've got Fairy-Tale-Itis. :P However you wanna put it, I fall in love and I fall hard. And the pattern has been that I'm pushed back out of it against my will and it's very unpleasant. Buuuuut that's not what this is about. See, I was careful this time. I took my time. I held back. But the minute I felt safe to fall, I fell. And I'm still falling. And it's crazy to me still. Maybe it's too soon to make any real observations, but I have a great feeling. Like a really great feeling.
I'm gonna go deeper into that before I move on to the real subject of this entry...
I have a thing about affection. A hug can mean so much more to me than simply...well, a hug. I hug my mom when I see her after long or short periods of time and then I hug her when I'm feeling up or down, too. And it's like, a comfort. You know? Like, nothing can happen to me when I hug my mom. And I get that from other people, too. People I'm close to or that really appreciate me and I can feel that when they hug me. So, of course, it's only important that I can hug my significant other that way. And man, does he give me great hugs. I feel safe when I hug him. It's one of the greatest feelings. On top of that, he gets along with my family of course. I can't be with anyone that can't get along with my family. Their approval is greatly needed. And I mean everyone from my parents and brothers to Granny Ver to Reyna and Jonathan and Jordan. All of their opinions matter to me. I guess I naturally go for someone they'd just like because I like them. Anyway, he loves being around my family and they seem to like him too so that's really cool. Another thing, when we talk about things, I can talk about anything. And I know there are people that tell me I can talk to them about anything, but I'm not comfortable doing so. With him, I can actually say ANYTHING. Anything at all. He's so...free. If that makes any sense. Like, his mind is beyond open, so much so that he says things that I'm almost certain I've said before. His hopes and beliefs are in sync with my own hopes and beliefs. It's so crazy to me when we're talking and he says something and I'm just like I SWEAR I've said that to someone before and it's sooooo true. And it amazes me because I don't even have to say these things. He just knows them. He's not "Disney Brainwashed", but he's got that magic...like...sometimes we get on the subject of our pasts and instead of it being weird, he's just like, "well this is how I would handle that situation" and I'm like "that's EXACTLY how I would prefer it." Usually I just know how I DON'T want something, but he puts words to all the things I want before I can realize that it's what I've been looking for. And he's just being honest. He doesn't know that that's what I would rather have because I haven't told him because I don't even know. And we go step by step through our lives and as things happen he just does things that throw me off because in the past things would have went different, but the way he gets by is exactly what I'd have asked for if I knew to ask for it. It's like after you get your burger and find out it has mushrooms too and then you know next time to say no mushrooms, except it's more like, this next time the waiter just knows I didn't want mushrooms and I'm just like wow this burger is amazing and he goes "Oh, I took out the mushrooms." And then it hits me. That's what I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Anyway...gonna move on to the next subject before I keep rambling on and make someone sick :P
Well, I'm not totally sure what my 2012 resolution is, but I think it's something like this:
I want to take all the things I earned and learned last year and plant them and let them grow. I want to be a better artist and climb the ladder at work. I want to grow to love my boyfriend to the highest extremes. I want to keep my body toned and get my lungs even stronger. I want to continue to grow in my music and writing. I want an overall upgrade on everything I've become. I want to go from Chapter 21 to Level 22. Chapter 21 was a bit of a drama with a fairly happy conclusion. I'm hoping Level 22 will be the highlight that follows. In 2011, I lost a lot of great things and a lot of bad habits, too. In 2012, I'll take the things I earned from 2011 and invest and nurture them to full maturity (or at least in that direction). That's my resolution. An overall upgrade.
Peace and Love and stuff,
Mouse <:3 )~
I'm gonna go deeper into that before I move on to the real subject of this entry...
I have a thing about affection. A hug can mean so much more to me than simply...well, a hug. I hug my mom when I see her after long or short periods of time and then I hug her when I'm feeling up or down, too. And it's like, a comfort. You know? Like, nothing can happen to me when I hug my mom. And I get that from other people, too. People I'm close to or that really appreciate me and I can feel that when they hug me. So, of course, it's only important that I can hug my significant other that way. And man, does he give me great hugs. I feel safe when I hug him. It's one of the greatest feelings. On top of that, he gets along with my family of course. I can't be with anyone that can't get along with my family. Their approval is greatly needed. And I mean everyone from my parents and brothers to Granny Ver to Reyna and Jonathan and Jordan. All of their opinions matter to me. I guess I naturally go for someone they'd just like because I like them. Anyway, he loves being around my family and they seem to like him too so that's really cool. Another thing, when we talk about things, I can talk about anything. And I know there are people that tell me I can talk to them about anything, but I'm not comfortable doing so. With him, I can actually say ANYTHING. Anything at all. He's so...free. If that makes any sense. Like, his mind is beyond open, so much so that he says things that I'm almost certain I've said before. His hopes and beliefs are in sync with my own hopes and beliefs. It's so crazy to me when we're talking and he says something and I'm just like I SWEAR I've said that to someone before and it's sooooo true. And it amazes me because I don't even have to say these things. He just knows them. He's not "Disney Brainwashed", but he's got that magic...like...sometimes we get on the subject of our pasts and instead of it being weird, he's just like, "well this is how I would handle that situation" and I'm like "that's EXACTLY how I would prefer it." Usually I just know how I DON'T want something, but he puts words to all the things I want before I can realize that it's what I've been looking for. And he's just being honest. He doesn't know that that's what I would rather have because I haven't told him because I don't even know. And we go step by step through our lives and as things happen he just does things that throw me off because in the past things would have went different, but the way he gets by is exactly what I'd have asked for if I knew to ask for it. It's like after you get your burger and find out it has mushrooms too and then you know next time to say no mushrooms, except it's more like, this next time the waiter just knows I didn't want mushrooms and I'm just like wow this burger is amazing and he goes "Oh, I took out the mushrooms." And then it hits me. That's what I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Anyway...gonna move on to the next subject before I keep rambling on and make someone sick :P
Well, I'm not totally sure what my 2012 resolution is, but I think it's something like this:
I want to take all the things I earned and learned last year and plant them and let them grow. I want to be a better artist and climb the ladder at work. I want to grow to love my boyfriend to the highest extremes. I want to keep my body toned and get my lungs even stronger. I want to continue to grow in my music and writing. I want an overall upgrade on everything I've become. I want to go from Chapter 21 to Level 22. Chapter 21 was a bit of a drama with a fairly happy conclusion. I'm hoping Level 22 will be the highlight that follows. In 2011, I lost a lot of great things and a lot of bad habits, too. In 2012, I'll take the things I earned from 2011 and invest and nurture them to full maturity (or at least in that direction). That's my resolution. An overall upgrade.
Peace and Love and stuff,
Mouse <:3 )~
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