Sometimes I would rather have not said things that appear in my mind. Though I usually feel better after they've been said, I feel they haven't really made anything better. I guess all that matters is that I feel better inside. And slowly, as the days go on and I deal with the different internal issues I come upon by blogging or talking or crying or whatever is necessary at the time, I can feel myself drift in the right direction. Right now I'm going down a path that both my heart and mind are afraid to continue on, but it's nothing bad. If anything, I may have found the answer to my previous question "Who saves the hero?" Is it so bad to leap from the crumbling walls of heart break and into the safe, warm net of a new friend? I'm scared. I know I am. But from this angle, the view is amazing.
I think I have a problem...I'm addicted to that feeling...that puppy dog butterfly feeling. I search for it in everything and the only satisfaction I can find is in romantic movies and roller coasters. Haha. I guess that's more of an anxious feeling, but it's similar in the biological sense...I think...Anyway, yea...I love that feeling of being in love and seeing someone and just smiling and all of that good stuff. Without it, I feel blank. Like I have no emotion except love because for me, being content or depressed are becoming normal emotions. Like, if you graphed the height of my emotions compared to anyone else's, I smile all the time so my normal level is at anyone else's happy level. Below that is just tired/exhausted/in thought or something on the verge of being sad. When exciting things happen. I just smile. There's like a threshold that most things fit between and only the feeling of being in love breaks above that threshold. And only the feeling of losing love goes below that threshold...well, that and disappointing myself. And in a sense, losing love hurts the most because I am disappointed in myself. Even if it's not my fault that the event occurred, somewhere in there I feel I could have prevented myself from experiencing that pain by being smarter about the way I handled certain situations. It's only when I let go of my mind's inhibitions that I can let my heart free to love that way, but then I tend to do things against my own standards. Like right now...I'm afraid to let my heart free like that. I know I CAN, but I'm afraid of several things. Not only of getting hurt again by someone new, but of getting hurt by the past catching up to me, or of the past surpassing me, or of letting myself free only to find I'm in the wrong jungle and have to hurt someone else to regain myself. Bah...it's so unnecessarily complicated. But I have found that this new aspect of my life, this new path that has been carved, slowly takes me away from the old path. Frees me from the pain and issues of the past. I'm not running away from my past. My past ran away from me. I'm looking for a new future is all...and I guess that's always scary. We're always so afraid of the unknown. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I've gotten through this pain many times before. I know I can do it again. And right now, and even in the future, I think it's worth it...but I won't leap head first. I'm going slow. Very slow. Just like before...but I just don't know when I get to that point like last time, if I'll be more hesitant or ready or what...I guess I'll just have to see if I make it there...either way this goes...thank you, Batman...
Trusis,
Nasia
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