Life

I have been living it. And it seems I haven't cared to tell the world about it very much. I haven't anything to tell right now. I just wanted to say something. Nothing in particular, but something. Just to keep the dust from gathering and what not. It's so cold right now. I can't handle it. Well, I need to get going to the studio. Hopefully, nothing retarded happens today.

Peace,
Nasia

When a Virgo Warms Up

If a virgo warms up to you, you will discover so many wonderful layers of personality you didn't know existed.

This is true. I don't even feel like it needs an explanation.

Stuck

Every 2 months or so I find myself in this position where it feels like I'm stuck. Not even like I'm at a wall, but like I've just reached an abyss and there are no signs or directions or lights guiding me towards any particular path. There are no paths. I'm just in an empty place. I don't even know where the place is. It's strange...and confusing...and I don't really like being here, but I guess I'll find my way out in a few days as usual. This is the point where I wish someone would appear and take me up and save me from this confusion and loneliness like in the movies. I have friends that try. I have friends that really want to. But they are not in any position to be trying to save me from anything. It's ok to wish for some adorable, successful guy to just come knocking at your door and just fall in love with you right? Sounds like something from those novels women read. I've never read one of those. But I think I'd be pretty good at writing one if I really wanted to. I don't. I just want to not have to think for once. To just love and be loved. Maybe that's why I'm not trying very hard to get out of this house anymore. I don't have to think so much as just keep it clean. I'm not trying to take the easy way out. But to me, this is the most efficient way I guess. Another rent to pay and more bills would not make my life any easier. I'm happy with my space here. I'm happy with the freedoms I have. I'm just unhappy with myself I guess. I've disappointed myself somewhere down the line. I feel like I should still be in school, becoming a doctor or some other well-paid member of society. I love animation, but it wasn't the most stable choice to make. I just have a habit of not caring about whether or not I've put in enough time doing it. It's become less of a passion and more of a hobby I do when I don't feel like playing my guitar or blogging. And this is why I wish I had that someone. Just being with them would allow me to temporarily release myself from all of my worries and just be loved. Or maybe I'll worry about them more than I worry about myself. I don't need to worry about myself. I know in the end I'll have it all handled. Even if they'll have it handled in the end too, I like to have someone else to think about and look forward to seeing at the end of the day. To cuddle and watch movies with.

I keep saying I don't want to be in a relationship. What I really mean is that I don't want to have to deal with someone else again if it doesn't work out. I just want to find the right one and get on with it. And I know that's impossible, but what isn't impossible is having a conversation with someone and knowing by the end of the convo that you would really like to know more about this person or hang out with them or something. I don't know. A lot of the time what happens is by the end of the convo I'm kind of bored or uncomfortable or I just think this person would make a good friend, but not someone I'd want to date.

How do I know this? Well, from my own experiences. I know what I DON'T want.

It's very confusing when the same people that tell me that I deserve so much also tell me I have high standards...

Blah...

Peace,
Nasia

Losing It

I think I'm losing it. What is IT? That feeling of love. I feel like the last plane has departed from my heart and the terminals have all closed down. Nothing coming in. Nothing going out. I still feel happy, but I feel like I won't be falling in any kind of love with any kind of guy any kind of soon. It's strange to know what that feels like. I guess I'll be spending the rest of this year partner-less. I'm left to me, myself, and I. That's acceptable though. I don't NEED to be in love. I don't NEED a partner. It's just a nice feeling to have. When it comes again, I will be very appreciative. And whoever it comes with will be very lucky to have been able to reopen that door.

Trusis,
Mouse

Bus and Train People

I often run into a lot of interesting people on the bus and train. This post will be dedicated to them...

5/17
I love the people that jam out to their iPods. They walk to the beat and bob their heads. Some even rap and sing along with it. They live life.

There was this dude who's pecs were so big he couldn't put his arms down so he walked like a pigeon does with its chest out. He also kept waving his hand like he was allowing the train conductor to proceed with closing the doors every time they announced the doors were closing. Strange dude. He was also cussing someone out because pecs guy was standing where the bikes go and a guy wanted to put his bike there but pecs guy was being an a$$ and wouldn't let him so he had to stand in the middle of the aisle with his bike while pecs guy let out some of his childhood butt frustration on the poor bike dude. Sad day for them. After bike dude left, pecs guy stood in front of the door, blocking people from getting on and off so they just kind of squeezed past him. I just wanted to be like dude, your boobs are not doors. People can't get past you, but I was too into my music and OMG

There was this puppy outside the train. I was thinking about this puppy. MOST ADORABLE PUPPY EVER! First time I fell in love at first sight. I saw him on the sidewalk and was struck. I almost got off the train to go get him and take him home, but my mom probably would have killed me for bringing home another animal with the 3 we already have, plus the ones next door. Ah! He was sooooo cute though. If he's still there when I go home, I'm gonna grab him up. I don't even care. XD I hope he isn't though and was just chilling outside of his own house. I didn't see anyone else around though. Poor little dude.

5/18
So I'm standing at the station waiting for the train and decide to walk down to the other end like I always do and the spot where I decide to land was about 2 feet from this old black dude. He turned and caught eye contact with me and out of respect I made a slight grin and nodded and went back to my music, nodding my head and tapping my foot. I noticed he hadn't turned back around and looked up slightly and he was still looking at me. I grinned again and started to turn away from him, but he started saying something. I thought he was gonna ask for help getting somewhere 'cause that's what a lot of people seem to ask me, as though I know my way around or something. I took out an earphone and listened. To sum it all up, he wanted to get to know me and get my number and meet up some time. He was like...60! So, he gives me his number and asks me if I remembered it. His name was Melvin. Watch out for old black dudes named Melvin riding the train. He was talking about me coming to pick him up and stuff. I was like uh, sorry dude. So the train arrives and he's like come on. I follow him to the door and just as he gets in and some people get between us, I book it to the next train car. I was NOT about to be talking to this old dude having to make up stuff about where I was going and what not. Man...it was really quite amusing when I got in the next car though 'cause he was still talking to me when I decided to run. Probably turned around and saw I was gone and was like damn... XD Old creeper...

Also, I didn't see the puppy again. I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad about that. 'Cause if he was still there that would mean he spent all night there and I could have saved him! But since he wasn't, maybe he actually belonged to someone and I would have looked dumb trying to take home someone else's puppy. Ah well, I hope you're safe little puppy.

Azuca's Mystery

So...I'm sitting at my desk when Azuca decides to jump up on my lap and stare at me. Since I've been back, she's NEVER jumped up on my lap. So I take advantage of the moment and pet her. She lays down and purrs. This lasts about ten minutes. She then licks my hand which is always accompanied by a bite. I tell her "no," and she stops. I keep petting her. She then decides to bite me again. I tap her head and say no as she jumps off my lap. Staring at me from the floor, her ears laying back, she pounces at my ankle. I tap her again. "No Azuca." She looks at me like "Damn you woman." I don't understand it o_O At first she wants nothing to do with me. Now she wants all of my attention all of the time. She even walks in front of my computer, steps on the keyboard, pauses in front of the screen, and licks her paws. Then she stares at me and keeps going. And when I'm around the house, she follows 3 feet behind me and meows when I look at her. This continues until I go in my room where she'll either find a place to sleep or try gaining my attention by walking across the desk...I don't understand...I really don't...

Earlier today when similar events took place...

Azuca's Steps

A Poem in Pain

I just wanted to share this...


How do you do what's right
When the right thing feels so wrong
when no matter how you say it

the message's just too long

and the machine beeps before you're done

so you never get it all out on one track

all i did was call

but you never called back

all i did was love you

but you never loved back

why do i get to suffer

when i just wanted to love you

how could it feel so bad

i had given all i had

and i would've given more

but you walked out that door

and my last words should be goodbye

but i cant and i don't know why

and i love you but i hate that you

wont be who i know you are

because i didn't spend a year falling in love with

the pain that you cause me

and i don't even want to hear that you're sorry

because i know it's a lie

you're just another guy

another stupid boy

and you played me like a toy

i'm typing on this keyboard like its a piano

and the symphony's my pain

you're breaking me

to a point where i dont think i could regain

that feeling i once had.

not for you or any other

you've torn me to shreds

and tossed my pieces in the gutter

was i just another girl

another heart to write your name on

you said i love you first

but i'm still to put the blame on

or maybe not the blame but

i still get the pain

i'm tired of feeling like

i made the dumb decision

i can't take this feeling

like i'm stuck in your submission

like you're sitting on my chest

i can't breathe can't inhale

can't take a moment to think straight

with your thoughts chasing my tail

i can't wake up with peace of mind

would you mind leaving me alone

could you would you please

eject your seat and be released

set me free

let me let you go

you can't possibly know

how much misery i still suffer

because of you, i'm your unwanted lover

your insignificant other

i'm tired of the pain of your heart so cold

i've gotten to a point where i've got nothing left to gain

from you but all i want is to remain by you

thought i was done with this addiction

but you've become an infliction

upon my heart

a cancer with no answer

cure me of your curse

you had me in so deep too deep 

to just let heartbreak creep

into my heart my soul cries for you

my heart tries to remove what you've done

but you can't replace the bullet once you've pulled the trigger on the gun

and i'm tired of feeling the burn of that bullet

every time your face appears in my dreams

it seems i can't purge myself of your disease

so put my heart at ease

and please please please

just leave

how could you do this this to me

you used to be my baby

my one and only

my everything i ever wanted

never doubted

that you'd always be there

but now you're nowhere

to be found

and i'm down

on both knees

begging you to release

please send me back the keys

to my heart

cause your pulling my strings

a bit too hard

i put in all my cards

all my chips

but you still took a dip

in the wrong direction

left me here with nothing but a reflection

of myself and theres no you

to keep me warm on a cold night

to hold me up when my head's light

to make me feel better

when i just dont feel right

and theres nothing i could write

to make you come back

nothing i could say

to make you you come back my way

nothing i could do

to get you

to see that

you belonged with me

and it hurts but i gotta do it

dont wanna do it 

but if you asked me why
id look you in the eye
and if you cant see the pain
in my tears as i cry
then baby all i can say is goodbye

...I think the best part is shortly after writing this, my misery was set on max and then came to a closure. Like the last high point (or I guess low point in this situation) before a flat line. In the end, I don't feel like that up there anymore. Said goodbye and not looking back, but to remember what I've learned. Now, as I said before, I'm just doing what I do. Continuing to be the me that I was before I was ever even hurt the first time. The strange thing about this is that I've been set with a situation that I would have previously found very ideal in the area of newly opened opportunities...or more so, a possibly reopened opportunity. I'm leaving it for the end of this week to know for certain how I should possibly handle it or if I'll even need to. We shall see...

Peace,
Mouse

Kindergarten Art

IM MCKNA NACLSA

("I'm making a necklace." And yes, that's tiny me.)

Relief in Depression

So I've come to a closure today. Details are unnecessary. Just know I'm done with the past issues and I'm never going back. It hurt, but it's what's best for me and right now all I need to worry about is me. I know who I am and what I'm worth. I know who's important to me and I'm grateful for them. I know who I can rely on. I know who will always be there. I know who I can trust.

I find it strange how I know certain things will happen and then they happen. I hate when it's something I'm dreading will happen.

Anyway, I'm done with that. There's no going back. Though I'm still sad, I'm kind of relieved...

Here's to happier days. ^_^

I'll find what I'm looking for one day. 'Til then, I'm gonna enjoy what I have now.

No more searching.

No more crying.

No more doing anything that isn't what I do.

I'm Nasia.

I'm Mouse.

For 18 years I was fine by myself.

For 2 years I felt a roller coaster of emotions.

I'll be fine.

It's built into me.

And it's time to go EKA on this world...

Peace,
Nasia

EKA_Mous3

The other me...I didn't finish it, but I wanted to post it anyway...I want that jacket/cloak...thing...and the boots from the EKA Nasia picture. I was going for that again here, but I didn't feel like making it exactly the same again. I actually drew this in a notebook while riding the bus to work this morning. Preeeetty difficult, but I had to get the idea out. I was also listening to the Sucker Punch ost so yea...recognize the jacket/cloak thing from Sweet Pea's costume?

Spaghetti and Cookies

Today I was making spaghetti so I threw this piece at the wall and it stuck. This is also the 1000th picture on my phone. Well, 1000th taken. The number just keeps going up even if I delete pictures. Anway, why are subway chocolate chip cookies so good?! I have 1 and a half and I was just going to take a piece of the half and save the rest for later, but I actually just ate all of it. Well, most of it. I've got 1/4 left and it's about to get eaten...I'm gonna do some crunches and push-ups after this. My trainer rescheduled my workout for today to tomorrow, but I still want to get something in today. I've got 19 minutes. I just finished the cookies. Azuca is laying where I need to do my crunches. I don't have very much floor space if you've seen my room. Ah! 18 minutes. Alright...

Peace,
Nasia :P

_mous3

I'm liking where this is going...

Horoscope - May 9, 2011

You may attempt to let loose today, even if you can't afford to flirt with the edge. The problem is that you must stay singularly focused on your responsibilities over the next week. Unfortunately, your normal powers of analysis could leave you cold because you cannot make sense of what's happening now. Thankfully, things become less complex once you acknowledge that you don't even know the part you are playing, let alone the script.

Well, this DOES make some sense to me. And I've been trying to focus on my responsibilities instead of letting loose. I don't know what you would call what I've been doing now. I go to the studio. I work on side projects. Then I come home and work on random other projects and apply for jobs. I've reached a flat line sort of. Just waiting for something to pull me up.

Mindset

When things aren't going the way I'd prefer them to go, I often find myself changing my mindset to better fit the situation as if I was changing the lens on a camera to focus properly in the current scene. It's an actual physical thing I can feel in my head when I change this "focus". I can't really explain it, but I know it's there. It's kind of like how my blog keeps going from wanting to find someone to be close to and then suddenly I'm done with that idea. I just hit a switch and my mind is changed. I suppose it's a sort of defense mechanism at times. I really notice it when someone catches my interest, it's like I flip a bunch of switches and all motives are to getting to know them better, but if I lose interest for one reason or another, the switches flip another way and I don't care as much. I'm not sure if I control it, but I feel the mindset change. It's probably the same thing that keeps me from bouncing off the walls when something exciting happens. I'll be excited, but I won't show it. I think the "Dance like a maniac" switch gets clicked off until very very special occasions...which I have yet to experience because I don't think I've ever danced for being excited about something. I want to be that excited one day....XD

Trusis,
Nasia :P

Walls

When the spaghetti just won't stick, find a new wall. If you see me in Walgreens, Home Depot. ColdStones, Jamba Juice, Chilis, or any other store/restaurant on Century, you should know that that spaghetti stuck to that wall. For a while I was kind of avoiding getting a "normal person job" as I've been calling it, but now is the time that I need to stare that wall in the face and fling spaghetti like a mad noodle.

Trusis,
Nasia

(Also, I'm blogging through another account to make my vlogging and blogging a more organized experience for myself.)

Who Saves the Hero?

I've asked this a few times on here. Who saves the hero? This time, it isn't about me. See, my mom is a person who does her best to make sure everyone else is alright. She goes through all of the stress and bending over backwards to make everyone else's lives easier. She's the unappreciated hero. Well, unappreciated by most. She's the person I hold responsible for all of my accomplishments. Without her I would be nothing and for that she is more than just my hero. I go to her for everything. But in her times of need, and stress, and worry, who does she have to go to? When all of the rest of the world is sitting on her shoulders or trying to stab her back, who can she look to? I look to her in those times. See...the people that she should be able to look to are sometimes the people causing her to go crazy in the first place. And then the people that aren't driving her crazy somehow manage to make things worse. That's why I always do my best to show my mom that I appreciate her. I know she knows that I do and I know her just seeing me able to do the things I do is enough for her, but it isn't enough for me. The things my mom accomplishes is exactly what motivates me to believe I can do anything. Everything she puts her mind to, she gets done. No, she isn't perfect, but she never falls on her back in failure when things go wrong. Somehow she manages to pull off everything at the same time and do it with such tenacity and grace. My mom is Superwoman. I know I'm no fan of Superman, but Superwoman is a whole different entity. The things my mom puts up with aren't things she should have to put up with, but she does it anyway...for the good of her family and loved ones. She's the lion forever protecting, hunting, guiding, and watching over everything. She takes pride in her family, but doesn't boast over her accomplishments. She's independent and strong. And even in her times of struggle, she stays tough and fights through the storm. It's not fair, but I guess God puts only one in every family. One lion to hold it all together..

so...who saves the hero?

The next in line.

Happy Week Early Mother's Day,
Nasia

Back to the Spaghetti

After my conversation with Jim last night, the next few things I'm going to say might seem like they contradict what I was "arguing" with him about last night, but they don't...any who...I found myself with another possible interest. I don't think it's one I've spoken of before. At least right now I can't remember him being on here. Anyway, we've been talking a bit. Nothing anywhere near serious. Just getting to know each other better and things of that nature. A bit of flirting. I can admit that. But nothing enough to say that this is really going anywhere. Well, the whole point of this blog is to say that I think that interest has sort of fallen through. Reasons aren't necessary. And I'm going to admit that Jim was right about me being all over the place. Because I am. I think I'm figuring it out though. I'm back where I was when I moved to Florida. Looking for myself. But not in the same way. Because I've found a lot of me since then. I guess it's more that I'm doing some more growing right now and because of it, everything is a little out of whack. I go through this thing. I don't really know what it is, but it's a pattern that has come through my life every few years/months/weeks. It just happens. What it is is change. But not just any kind of change. Things like moving from one city to another. Changing schools. Rearranging my furniture. Haha. Moving to Florida was a big change that caused some readjustment. Moving back to Cali was another one. And now I'm settled into my new room and I have some kind of work and I have a few more people to add to my list of hang out buds. It's the perfect time for that pattern to want to kick in. It's like an instinct I have to need to change things. And it's not that I want to rearrange my room. :P I'm rearranging myself. Metamorphosis. Like I said in my other post. It's like if a butterfly kept going into a cocoon and becoming something else. I'm in the cocoon right now. Except the way this cocoon works, I keep coming out briefly, which is quite uncomfortable, like a werewolf only partially through his transformation back into a man and half of his body is still wolf or something like that. I pop out for a bit and in my strange form, I cause some havoc for myself. One of these days I'll get through this transformation. Until then, I just have to work with it. My heart is in fair condition. My head is on my shoulders. And my feet have been taking m up the Jesus stairs about 3-4 times every weekend. So I think I'm doing pretty good. I'm just in morph mode and I'm craving a new scene. Just like when I moved to Orange County halfway through high school. I don't forget what I'm moving from. I just crave that constant change. I don't know what it is...a reflection of my childhood? Maybe. Something to do with being an artist? Possibly. Am I actually a caterpillar? No! :P That's for certain.

But yea I got off topic...the title is about spaghetti and that's what I meant to get at. I'm back to throwing the spaghetti on the wall in several aspects of my life. Waiting to see which sticks...

It's Morphin' Time (shush Jim)
Nasia :P

30 Days Are Done

Well, it's the end of the Picture a Day for 30 Days thingermaguy. Also, it's the end of my facebook break. What do I do now? The same things I've been doing before of course :P