Emotional

Why must I be so...
When I want to say yes and I still say no
When my body's walking away, but I don't want to go
But you can look at me and I'll smile because I hate to show
That I'm so...
Just so...
And the smallest thing might hurt my feelings
But I hate to lose that control
And even more so I hate revealing
Well you know
That I'm so...
Just so...
Sometimes it's temporary
Like the quick rain showers of Orlando
Sometimes it's so much worse
And the flood gates burst...
I wish I knew how to deal with it
After 21 years you'd think I'd know...
But I don't.

2012 Resolution

Last year I made a resolution to get out of my mom's house, get a real job, get fit, and because of events that occurred after my original resolution was made, I also wanted to get control of my heart. As the year began to end I was almost beginning to think 2011 was just gonna be one of those terrible years I'd look back on. Though a lot of unfortunate events took place, 2011 has redeemed itself in a way. For one, I eventually got a great job that I love and that I believe I'm becoming very valuable in. If not valuable, they at least like me and my work a lot. Either way, I've found myself in a very good place with very good people. Because of this job, I was able to move out of my mom's house. That's half of my resolution already. At the beginning of 2011 I was working out with my uncle and got my body back into the shape I like it to be in. Everyone keeps saying "oh you're already fit you don't need to work out", but no, I had to. I'm a perfectionist. And my body wasn't where I wanted it to be, but now it is. And I'm happy with it. To top it off, I've got this guy...now, you probably have been reading my blogs, or not, but you should maybe skim the previous ones to know that I have a "complex" if you will...that's my best way of explaining it. I've got Fairy-Tale-Itis. :P However you wanna put it, I fall in love and I fall hard. And the pattern has been that I'm pushed back out of it against my will and it's very unpleasant. Buuuuut that's not what this is about. See, I was careful this time. I took my time. I held back. But the minute I felt safe to fall, I fell. And I'm still falling. And it's crazy to me still. Maybe it's too soon to make any real observations, but I have a great feeling. Like a really great feeling.

I'm gonna go deeper into that before I move on to the real subject of this entry...
I have a thing about affection. A hug can mean so much more to me than simply...well, a hug. I hug my mom when I see her after long or short periods of time and then I hug her when I'm feeling up or down, too. And it's like, a comfort. You know? Like, nothing can happen to me when I hug my mom. And I get that from other people, too. People I'm close to or that really appreciate me and I can feel that when they hug me. So, of course, it's only important that I can hug my significant other that way. And man, does he give me great hugs. I feel safe when I hug him. It's one of the greatest feelings. On top of that, he gets along with my family of course. I can't be with anyone that can't get along with my family. Their approval is greatly needed. And I mean everyone from my parents and brothers to Granny Ver to Reyna and Jonathan and Jordan. All of their opinions matter to me. I guess I naturally go for someone they'd just like because I like them. Anyway, he loves being around my family and they seem to like him too so that's really cool. Another thing, when we talk about things, I can talk about anything. And I know there are people that tell me I can talk to them about anything, but I'm not comfortable doing so. With him, I can actually say ANYTHING. Anything at all. He's so...free. If that makes any sense. Like, his mind is beyond open, so much so that he says things that I'm almost certain I've said before. His hopes and beliefs are in sync with my own hopes and beliefs. It's so crazy to me when we're talking and he says something and I'm just like I SWEAR I've said that to someone before and it's sooooo true. And it amazes me because I don't even have to say these things. He just knows them. He's not "Disney Brainwashed", but he's got that magic...like...sometimes we get on the subject of our pasts and instead of it being weird, he's just like, "well this is how I would handle that situation" and I'm like "that's EXACTLY how I would prefer it." Usually I just know how I DON'T want something, but he puts words to all the things I want before I can realize that it's what I've been looking for. And he's just being honest. He doesn't know that that's what I would rather have because I haven't told him because I don't even know. And we go step by step through our lives and as things happen he just does things that throw me off because in the past things would have went different, but the way he gets by is exactly what I'd have asked for if I knew to ask for it. It's like after you get your burger and find out it has mushrooms too and then you know next time to say no mushrooms, except it's more like, this next time the waiter just knows I didn't want mushrooms and I'm just like wow this burger is amazing and he goes "Oh, I took out the mushrooms." And then it hits me. That's what I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Anyway...gonna move on to the next subject before I keep rambling on and make someone sick :P

Well, I'm not totally sure what my 2012 resolution is, but I think it's something like this:

I want to take all the things I earned and learned last year and plant them and let them grow. I want to be a better artist and climb the ladder at work. I want to grow to love my boyfriend to the highest extremes. I want to keep my body toned and get my lungs even stronger. I want to continue to grow in my music and writing. I want an overall upgrade on everything I've become. I want to go from Chapter 21 to Level 22. Chapter 21 was a bit of a drama with a fairly happy conclusion. I'm hoping Level 22 will be the highlight that follows. In 2011, I lost a lot of great things and a lot of bad habits, too. In 2012, I'll take the things I earned from 2011 and invest and nurture them to full maturity (or at least in that direction). That's my resolution. An overall upgrade.

Peace and Love and stuff,
Mouse <:3 )~

Something About Love Or Something

I guess I'm on a roll with the entries tonight, but man...

Alright, so my boyfriend and I have decided to collaborate on a beat, "rapping" and what not. I don't really feel like I'm rapping so much as I do reciting poetry. I don't really know where the line is, but now a days, calling yourself a rapper doesn't look as good as it may have in years past. Everybody wants to be a rapper. I don't want to be a rapper. I just want to let my heart out and have it be heard the way I feel it, if it's going to be heard. I'm not trying to get picked up or signed or whatever, I really just want to share this feeling and these moments with my babe and the world that wants to hear it.

You know, I didn't expect to be like this right now. After the last few, I really didn't know what I was expecting. I guess I wasn't expecting anything. I never really do. I have my hopes and my dreams and my goals ('cause they're all different things, but that's for another entry). I hoped I'd fall for him. I dreamed I held his hand and all that. And my goal was to just see it all through and know that I followed my heart no matter how it went down. And now I'm here in the stages of what I guess would be called puppy love. The thing about me though, that people don't understand, is that that's the stage that I live in. Things will get serious, but I never lose that puppy love feeling. And if I do, something must be wrong. Even after I'm comfortable and settled in with the "routine" of lovers and relationships and whatever comes after, I won't lose the fire.

I know I've been here before. I've had this feeling before. And I've lost it and regained it and I've learned that it is possible to fall in love more than once. How would you know how to do it right if you didn't get it wrong a few times? My problem I guess is that I don't show myself the love that I should when I get in a relationship and so I don't demand that I'm shown as much love as I give out. So I give all my love and settle with whatever I'm being given and I'm okay with that. And I don't want to sound like a cliche/corny/blinded girl, but I have a feeling about this time. I mean, I know I have a feeling every time, but taking what I've learned from those times and applying it to this one, I can't find the downfalls, if there be any. I'm not trying to go searching for any, but you know, you have to make sure your seatbelt works before you get into a race car right? I guess it's like that. I'm always evaluating everything. I can't help it and I don't want to. My evaluating hasn't lead me wrong yet. It's actually when I don't follow it that I've falling off my own horse. It's only when I let go of that part of me that I end up doing things that I kick myself for later. I'm never letting go of that part of me again. I don't like that feeling I get afterwards...

Anyway, I've learned so much from my past and my present is so great. Call it what you want. I don't even care. I never do. People look down on me for feeling amazing over the simplest things, but you know what? If they had it, they would understand. Actually, if they had it more than once and weren't bitter about it. Most people are bitter from losing love so they look down on anyone else that has it or wants it...the same way old people can be bitter about losing their youth. It's the people with high numbers in age and lower numbers in blood pressure that can hang with the young crowd without bashing them for being themselves that are truly the happy ones. They live and let live. I just want to be let live. (The grammar O: )

So...I'm in the goosebumps, butterflies, sparkle in your eye stage; on the happily ever after, golden carriage and white horses page, but I enjoy every second of it as one should. The world says you have to grow up, you have to go to the next stage, you have let go of one thing and get to the next, but you know what I say? I say live and be happy. Don't worry. You have one life, spend it making it the life YOU want and let no one dictate what you do or how you feel.

That's enough for now I think...

<3
Mouse <:3 )~

Old FB Drafts

These are just some old drafts that I started writing on facebook, but never posted. I still want to share them, but not on facebook. It's too...too much. Facebook has too many expectations and judging eyes than people realize...

#1 - Sometimes I just feel like a big ball of emotion and I just want to say the things I feel...but some people don't understand what it's like to feel that way and so they tell me to keep those things to myself...there's nothing wrong with wanting to tell the world how you feel...especially when it's as strong of a feeling as this feeling I have...

Some people say I'm stuck in this fairy-tale mindset where everything is happy endings and butterflies and happiness. I'm not "stuck" in a fairy-tale mind...I'm in it on purpose...and if I want to tell someone that I love them to death, I should be allowed to without feeling like a retard. I hate it when people are like "ugh stop being all mushy and corny, etc." Just because you can't find someone to love you doesn't mean I can't show my love for someone else.

#2 - I've learned that sometimes people need a nice, long, meaningful hug from someone they love...and if you happen to be the person they love at the time the best thing to do is just hug them back. Give them a genuine hug. You never know what could be going through their minds when they decide they need a hug and maybe that hug could solve so much for them. Just hug them until they let go of you. I know some people feel awkward about standing in the middle of a room hugging for a real long time, but sometimes it's necessary...so if your brother/mother/father/cousin/boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend wants one of those nice, long, meaningful hugs, give them that hug. You never know what it could mean to them.

It's Crazy Sometimes

It's crazy sometimes

How when we're apart

And I can see what you've touched

And I can still feel your heart

Papi you were right there

And it was so surreal

Like I could never get enough

Of how you make me feel

My knees still tremble

At the thought of our first kiss

A night to remember

If I could replay and reverse this

Such a surprise

Could never rehearse this

I just hope you see how much you mean

From the words in my verses

So happy that you saw me as worth it

Your patience was the key

And I trust you with this

Heart in your hand

And future visions

Never making incisions

To replace or retrace

Footsteps

No returns or exchanges

Just these words on these pages

And I just want to say this

Before my memory erases

Or I get lost in your gazes

Eyes like mazes

Layout a labyrinth for me to get lost in

Never hesitating I'm going all in

Better call Lassie cause this well was dug deep

And I'm quickly fallin'

<3

Friends?

I'm tired of arguing with the people that are supposed to be my closest friends because they don't agree with the things I do or say. I wish you would just be happy for me and leave it at that. Don't get mad at me because you don't want to hear that I'm happy with my new boyfriend. You used to get mad at me for being happy with my new girlfriend. So I've got a guy now and you're still unhappy. You know what that tells me? Between your constant annoyance with my relationships and your constant flirting when I'm not in one, you obviously want to be with me or SOMETHING. Like, what else can that mean?

And don't say it's just a joke. Taking a real feeling you have and calling it a joke doesn't make it a joke and it doesn't make it funny. It's annoying. Your cynicism isn't welcome. Your JUDGMENTS aren't welcome. You don't see me judging your actions. No, instead I try to help you when you ask for my advice and that's it. I'm not calling you "simp" whatever the hell that's supposed to be. I'm not going to say that I'm sorry because all I've done is gain a new happiness in my life. If you can't accept that without making "jokes" aka negative remarks hidden behind a facade of lighter words, then you shouldn't call yourself my friend. Friends accept each other for what they are. I accepted you. So be a friend or be gone. Life is too short to let these kinds of things into my world.

I'm not mad,
I'm disappointed.

<:3 )~
Mous3

Dear Lord...Dear Gilani...

I try. Everything that comes my way, I know I always make it through. You know, for a while I didn't know what to have faith in or who to believe in or where I go when I die or anything. Sometime last month someone said you were paving the way and opening the doors so when our time comes we have our spot up in heaven already prepared. That's how I feel. I'm not afraid to die. I swear every time I feel something hot I can't help but imagine what you must have felt that day. And then I have to hold it all back for fear of moments like this. I'm so confused. So hurt. I feel like all the tears I've ever cried have never meant more than these. All the tears wasted on stupid people that took my heart for granted. And now I cry for you. I was supposed to get photoshop for you the next time I saw you. I remember teaching Jayla how to skate a little bit. We didn't hang out much, but I understood her. I always wanted to help you understand her, too, but we were never that close really. I still looked up to you like I do my mom and your mom and granny and all the women in our family really. Part of me wanted to be just like you. I mean, I still do. I want to have that confidence and that strength. I've seen you in your down moments, too and I know you're human just like us, but I also know you were more. You inspire me to live and have faith and be so much more than I am and I know I'm doing it. I know you're proud of me, too. Just as we all are of you. Well, if you can see me now, I know you'd be giving me a hug. Tell me it's alright. I just miss you...feeling the effects of being away from home for once, too. I'll be okay. Thank you. <3

Love Always,
Nasia