To Mom and Dad

This started out as something entirely different, and then it transformed into what is written below...

I spend so much time doing me
I hardly have time for you
I know you know it's nothing personal
Not what I mean to do

And I know you understand
Cause' you've been through this all before
Yea, you've witnessed this and more
Through your sickness, health, and for

As long as I can remember
You've made it through it all
With grace and poise and dignity
You taught me how to fall

And rise again tomorrow
Through darkness, shine, or rain
I hope one day when I have kids
I can teach them to do the same

Cause though you were years ahead of me
I'm walking in your steps
And you showed me what you learned from life
So I know what to expect

I wouldn't be where I am today
If you hadn't shown me how to
And I'm still not entirely sure
How I've continued on without you

Because that day was inevitable
And it's painful to put to words
You were more than the parents I needed
You were the parents that I deserve

- Bruce

Dream: Military Locker Room

I had this dream last night:

so, the dream starts with me on a bus with a bunch of people. some i know. some i've never seen before. of the people i know, there's Julia from work and a few of my friends from middle school and high school: rochelle, joanna, randi, and some that i knew their faces but couldn't remember their names

we arrive at a compound place with fences and flags and tanks and stuff
that's when i realize we all enlisted i nthe military
then i got excited

the dream skipped to the beginning of our training, we had temporary lockers in this little room where we put our stuff and got dressed in these dark blue khaki pants and white shirts like the breathable athletic type
and we had finger-less gloves. i don't remember much what we did once we got out into the pretend city that was set up

just lots of fake explosions and getting really dirty

then we went back to the locker room where they gave us the combinations to our new lockers in the main locker room, which was like a giant maze city of lockers

they even had gangs based on what your locker aisle or area was

my locker was 324

so i went looking for it, but the lockers weren't really in order.
they were in the general numbered area you'd expect but then you had to really search for the locker after that by looking at each one at a time.

so i put my stuff in my locker finally and went to go shower as new clothes was brought to each locker area, just piles of different sized shirts and pants and then the shoes were labelled with our names on the bottom like completely customized shoes.

when i was coming back from the shower i was just in more blue pants and white shirt because my new clothes hadn't arrived yet. i noticed this one girl following me. she was like a female version of that small leader kid in Ender's Game. white tank top, long pointy nose, dark black slick hair. and angry eyebrows.

eventually she came up to me all aggressive with these 2 big black girls on either side of her. she told me stop looking at her so i apologized and kept going back to my locker (which i had no idea where it was. i was pretty lost i nthe maze locker room)

the pointy nose girl tried to trip me but i brushed it off and kept walking. i think her name was priscilla

she got really mad and one of the black girls grabbed me from behind

then a girl that was hanging out up top of the lockers said "don't fret kid, she just likes you."

then priscilla got really red and angry and stormed off

she was embarrassed

i just said thanks and left to go find my locker

i swear i was searching everywhere. everything looked the same. the room was full of girls and clothes scattered everywhere.

then suddenly i was grabbed up by some more big girls and brought to this one area that looked like the locker room was turned into a post apocalyptic camp site

they brought me "inside" the area through a makeshift gate and there sat julia as the "leader" of this particular gang

she wanted something from me but i had no idea what and when i wouldn't hand it over they were going to do something to me but i ran before they could and she chased me

it was crazy running from her. i eventually had to jump up on the lockers and crawl through this vent to the other side of the locker room and jump out. then they gave up chasing me

i also fiiiinally found my locker again and got my new clothes and shoes and put them on. i felt like a badass

then my friends met up with me as well and people were high fiving me and i didn't understand why

then julia came out and i was going to run but then she smiled and gave me a hug and said welcome to the gang and gave me a patch. then the bell rang for us to get ready for training more and i woke up

I Am Not Unlimited...Yet

It's hard for me to say no to someone in need of my help when I know that I am able to help them.

I feel like I'm Earth and people are not only picking my fruits, but not watering the plants they get them from AND they aren't even eating the fruits.  They're just tossing them on the ground or something...

No, this isn't about actual fruits...

How do you show people that you aren't an infinite resource, but still be able to help them?

Especially when you rely on the result of the help you give them?

How do you change a situation that you can't leave and can't adapt to?

Ugh headache >_<

Peace n stuff,
Mous3

Dream: Scary Cave Baby

I had this dream last night:


so, dream starts with me laying on my back in a cave that looks like someone made it into somewhat of a house

my knees are propped up and a few people are looking down at me smiling

then one turns and hands me a little baby and immediately i know what's happening. i just had a baby. so i cradle him in my arms just smiling at him and saying hello my baby.

he had a little dark straight hair on his head and was pretty light. maybe as light as my real bf.

and he was round, but not fat. just baby fat and a little round face with plump cheeks

i don't know what i named him.

i kept calling him my baby

so the dream goes on and i feed him and read to him and i'm living in this cave apparently with this tall fairly thin looking guy and another guy that's my brother, but i don't really know either of them

idk how much time passes but the baby is about 1 now.

he can almost walk

he and i and my brother are laying on the bed just talking when the tall guy comes in and says "is he gonna do it today?" so i turn to my son laying next to me on his back

"hey my baby, how are you doing?" and the tall guy starts smiling and kneels down at the edge of the bed

"he looks just like his father"

i frown and at that point i realize i don't know who the father is in the dream. in my mind i don't know, but apparently i should know in the dream. but it was more like i was watching this other me.

and she knew. but i didn't know

and i guessed the father wasn't alive.

so then i rub his little chest and belly as he 's starting to wake up

and then his eyes open really wide

and his chest rises up and i sort of hug him because i'm scared

but he keeps rising until he's upright and floating a few inches above the bed.

and there's a grey glow around him

and his dark eyes are now completely blue. even the white is blue.

and my brother is staring at him scared.

and i'm scared shaking my head

and the tall guy is scared leaning against the corner of a cave wall like he backed away on his knees

and all i'm thinking is "no, my baby. why?" over and over.

then i wake up

The Best Version of Yourself

I came across this guy, Elliott Hulse, last night on YouTube. He talks a lot about becoming the best version of yourself and it has me thinking about some things.

Thing 1: I don't have a "real" career path or dream that I'm trying to attain. I don't have a "I want to do this particular thing for the rest of my life." Watching the few videos I have already, I've realized, I don't HAVE to have that something. I can have all the somethings that I have as long as I have a thing that will support me doing all of those other somethings. I can write, play guitar, piano, ukulele, do yoga, ride bikes, learn Italian, crochet, etc. I can do it all as long as there is something to support it.

At the end of the day, these things are the things that help me become a better version of myself.

That's all for now ^_^

- Mous3

The Holidays Aren't For Me

I read an article someone wrote about how marriage "isn't for him". It's for the person he's marrying.

This past year I made my own realization, similar to his.

The holidays aren't for me.

I don't think I even believe in the screwed up history behind all of them anymore.

All my life I've just been celebrating each one and going along with the traditions.

This year, they just didn't feel right.

I didn't feel the "Christmas spirit". I didn't feel exceptionally thankful. I'm not proud of my country. I don't even know what you're supposed to feel for halloween or easter, but nothing was as it used to be.

All year, I'm thankful.

All year, I'm giving.

All year, I appreciate my family, my friends, and my significant other.

And all year, I express these things.

I continue to follow each tradition for the people that I share them with. Not for me.

I don't need a special day for those things.

I know there are reasons beyond eating candy, turkey, and eggs, and giving gifts and shooting fireworks.

I know Christmas is "supposed" to be about Christ.

I know Independence Day should make me feel proud about my country, but honestly...

I don't believe in everything the bible says and I surely don't believe in everything said about/by/for this country.

I am grateful for what I've been able to experience in my life so far.

Whether it was granted to me by a divine being or fatefully pieced together by the miracle of atoms and evolution or some mixture of all of it,

I don't need Sundays to go to church. I'll pray/worship/meditate whoever, whenever and wherever I feel necessary.

It upsets me that in October, there are Christmas decorations already set out in the stores.

It upsets me that after a day that's supposedly about being thankful for what we have, people trample each other to buy more crap.

It upsets me that children grow up confused about the Easter Bunny, but even more so that there are children who starve. Hard-working children who wake up at 5 am to go to work, that may not have the luxury of knowing what an Easter Bunny even is.

Religion upsets me.

Politics upset me.

Entitlement upsets me.

The media and entertainment and all those people who would do ANYTHING just to tear someone else's life to pieces for any amount of money, upset me.

But what can I do?

I can write.

I can talk.

I can read.

I can think critically and think for myself.

I can be selfless and honest.

And hopefully one day I can teach someone else to do the same.

And teach them to teach others.

I'm tired of blindly following tradition and feeding into society and greed and hate.

I'm tired of "holidays".

- Mouse

Disconnected

I feel like I've come to a point where writing doesn't even get the point across anymore. People don't even read things fully anymore. They skim it. They get the gist of it, but they don't put the time or effort into understanding it. At least, not the same amount that you put into writing it out.

You know what, it's the same with talking to people, too. They just listen for the main points, but they don't care about the details. "You want me to paint the house yellow? Okay doing it now!" And you're still standing there trying to explain that it has to be a soft yellow because you don't want to be the brightest house on the block, but it's too late. They already ran off to paint the house yellow. Crayola yellow.

I try my best to really listen to people when they're telling me things. Sometimes, I get bored and I understand that happens. I understand that I may bore people sometimes as well. Everyone isn't going to be as enthusiastic about things as you are. Everyone isn't going to car about what you're saying. I think what I'm trying to say is care about the person who wrote the long paragraph for you to read or who wants to tell you this story they're so excited about.

People used to put the time in. I think things like Facebook and twitter have influenced people to be this way. They want something short and sweet and then scroll to the next one. They do it every day to the point that it's what they feel is normal and everything else is TLDR: Too Long Didn't Read.

This is happening to everything. Look at Vine. It's youtube for ADD kids. At one point, youtube used to be youtube for ADD kids. Just 7 seconds of your attention please! Is being so connected worth anything at all when you don't even care about the connections you're making?

Look at Justin Bieber. He's become a little asshole. Why? Because he doesn't care about his fans. He has millions of them. He spits on a few, oh well, there are a million more. He has no respect.

Media has no respect. They want to feed your hungry little duck lips with all the sweet junk they can cook up in their billion dollar office buildings. And you eat it up. Why do you eat it? You think it has some sort of substance and nutrients to sustain your life. To make you not "bored".

If you're bored, you're an idiot. End of story. READ A BOOK. LEARN SOMETHING. Take part in the things in life that uplift you as a person. Get interested in deeper things. You're bored because you're swimming in a puddle hoping to surf and scuba dive and see beautiful fish and coral reefs. You need a deeper body of water for things like that, buddy.

But you won't leave that puddle because society brings you a new rubber duck right before you do. They look for trends. They see when people are losing interest in things. They get paid to do this. They get paid WELL. You're bored? Here's our newest line of "Puddle Glitter". Now, your puddle sparkles in the daylight!

And just when that gets boring...wait! Now we have glow in the dark sparkles! So it sparkles at night, too!

You're all becoming a bunch of illiterates with an attention span shorter than your favorite Vine video. I bet you just skip to your favorite parts, right? Your favorite part of 7 seconds?

Why do you think we have the term "Grammar Nazi"? It's because the majority of people online has become unable to use proper grammar so they resort to name calling. Pick on the one that's "different"...even if different is better for you.

I'm done with this blog for now...

- Mous3

Reading Between the BS

I don't understand people that say things like:
"Can I throw out your chocolate cake because it's calling my name?"

And you say that they can control themselves not to eat the cake for their own health reasons,

But they say that it's difficult and that you can't point out their gut and such because of the temptation YOU are putting in front of THEM.

And then you answer that they should be able to control themselves not to eat someone else's cake anyway,

And they respond with:
"I am, but my point is that it's just going to sit there and get moldy and smell bad."

I thought your point was that you can't control yourself to not eat the cake!

To me, this comes down to: You just wanna throw out my cake.

Everything else is just a reason you're giving yourself to do it.

You've dug this hole and now you're pulling at anything to climb out.

I'm not in the hole with you.

And if I were,

I could easily climb out

Because I exercise

And control how much cake I eat...

Be responsible for what YOU do...

It's YOUR life...

And don't go and offer someone else's cake to another person the next day like it's yours to give away...

If people wanna leave their cake to mold even after you suggested tossing it, let them.

It's their cake to do whatever the heck they want with it...

Especially if it's in their fridge...

Here's a phrase you can quote me on:
"If you're gonna leave crumbs, at least be the one buying the bread."

Peace and Love and Stuff,
Mous3

Important Rant

I've come to realize something that's really, really lame. People don't care about you. That's not entirely true, but let me explain what I mean. It might just be me...which is still really unfortunate and saddening, but whatevers, just read on...

I don't even know how to start explaining...

Pretty much, it's like this: There are people that I care about (friends, family, etc.) that put on a "front" (in quotes because I don't really know what it is, but that's the best word for it) that they want me around, wanna hang with me, miss me, wanna see me, blah blah blah, but when I'm available (and for the last month I've been very available) I'm the last to be thought about. I might be seeing things wrong, but I'm only a priority to people when they need something from me. They don't try to see me or talk to me just because they want to. They do it when I can offer them something or when it's convenient. Right now, I can't really offer much, and I've been trying to be around. One of the main reasons I moved back here is because I wanted to be closer to these people. All the time I was gone they wanted me around and now that I'm here, they don't come see me.

There are, of course, people that DON'T fit into that paragraph up there, and I'm very grateful to have those people. I'm grateful for all of them, the others just make it hard to care about being grateful.

This video reminded me of a lot of great things. One of those things is that my world is only as big as the people in it and it feels very tiny and I'm suffocating in the loneliness. Of course, having a car and job would help with that a lot because I could just go all over and pay for it. But the video reminded me of another thing, which is that if you're unhappy with things, change them, and I did, BUT I'm still unhappy which means...

I NEED TO CHANGE THINGS AGAIN

It's just very difficult...these things that I need to change...I don't know exactly how to change them. I need to be more of a people person. I need to know how to talk, but more-so, how to SPEAK, and speak UP. I do sometimes, but I don't know what triggers it...and when I notice that I'm NOT doing it, I feel like I need to stop for a second and fix myself, but it's difficult to make a pit stop in the middle of things. It's not exactly a concrete event like in NASCAR. There's no guided lane to pit stop. In life, you just choose to do it. And choices are HARD, man...

How do you make yourself not fear the future? I'm not Will Smith's son in After Earth and I'm not fighting monsters for my survival. The subtler, less extreme scenarios always feel so much more difficult.

I'm way off topic...

I just wish people showed their care and appreciation for me more. The people that do, do it well, and the people that don't, need to realize that I'm not gonna be here every time they need me and I'm not always going to say yes just because I happen to be here and I can. I say yes to things because I want to. I want to help. I want to be shown gratitude. I want to make a good difference in people's lives. I know they won't know until I SPEAK UP, but I've always got a "but". Some reason why I won't.

ugh -_____-

I annoy myself.

Death

Death,

What are you?

What ARE you?

I can't wrap my mind around you. I can't look behind you. I can't see through you.

But you pick and prod away at my heart strings.

You phantom harp player.

Coming and going as you please

With not so much as a whisper in the night

As you pass

Not even a goodbye.

You have taken the most God-loving, to even those who love to joke about him, to those who could never even fathom what a God could even be.

Behind you is a trail of the fearful, the hopeful, and the confused...

My mind aches to unravel you...

But your language is of an unspoken tongue

You are cryptic in your crypt keeping...

I don't understand.

I don't know if I ever will.

And that leaves me uneasy...

Forever feeling in my heart that my loved ones are SOMEWHERE

But where...

I can't fathom...

Somewhere only the phantom harp player knows...

My mind stretches only far enough for me to know they are somewhere beyond my heart...

And that I will be there, too, one day.

I don't understand you, death.

I don't know what happens to souls when they leave bodies.

I can't help but continuously try and try to solve your algorithm like another puzzle in the palm of my hand...

You are beyond words and numbers and simple human thoughts...

CJ's Blankies 4 My Buddies Project

Help my little cousin, CJ, raise money to provide blankets for children everywhere! 

Stargazing pt.2

Well...that was quick right? Ehehehe...

I doubt I'm going to remember to keep up with that picture in the first Stargazing post sooooo

New idea.!

..IF I remember to gaze at the stars

and IF my phone decides to take a swell picture

THEN I will keep up with it...

otherwise, it's a no go mo fro.

Ahahaha yes I laugh at my own jokes...

If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else properly...

If you don't laugh at your own jokes...you must not be very funny!

laugh my ass off...

yes...

i did that..

peas,
mous3 <:3 )~

Summed Up So Far

My "love life" potentially summed up so far:

1990ish - 2002
Oblivious Treasure.

2002 - 2008
Innocent fool.

2008 - 2009
Naive hero.

2009 - 2011
Blind optometrist.

a few months in early 2011
Heartbroken sidekick.

a few months in mid 2011
Emotional android.

and finally, late 2011 to now...
I can't even think of some witty 2 word tag line to label myself with.

I imagine I can come back to this post in a few years and say something like Adored Wife...

I think that's a possibility.

He's going to say something like "No, it's a certainty."

I love that about him.

:)

Goodnight!

<3 Mouse

Stargazing

I do love the universe...

I'm going to try to follow along with this list and take pictures as well as my phone can. :)

I'll just edit them into this...

January 21st - 

Cold and Alone

I love cold weather

But not because I love shivering my butt off

I love cold weather because it gives me every excuse to stay as close to the people I love as I can

And they do the same to me.

Cold weather is not good for being alone.

I think from November to March is just a whole bunch of events to make single people feel like crap.

If you have a close family, things are a lot better.

But people who don't have close family, friends, or some kind of loved one or other passion get cold

I tend not to be a very passionate person on the outside.

I don't get excited often.

I don't want things often.

I don't have reasons to pursue grandiose dreams

I don't set my heart out to get things and then go get them

At least not often.

But when I do

Believe that I get those things.

When I'm excited for something to happen,

I do not get disappointed.

When I want something,

I make sure I get it.

When I pursue something,

The time comes when it is mine.

And when my heart is set,

There is no hammer or vicegrip of any size that can remove the sparkled diamond from my sight.

So why am I writing this blog?

Because I am the only one who can simply lift the diamond and put it back in my pocket for later.

And because I find myself in situations where my wants and excitements are set aside by me for someone else.

Why do I do that?

Well, if I don't, they will.

And that's not fair is it?

If you've been reading my blogs,

I know I haven't been saying much lately, but I want to go back to a post I wrote about "The Hero".

"Who saves the hero?"

I think I'm learning that the hero isn't always saved.

Saved from what exactly?

From loneliness and the coldness that is the world we live in.

From the sad darkness that fills all empty voids.

And I often find myself to be filling with this cold loneliness.

I watched something once about people being born with giant holes in their chests that they try to fill with things

I've yet to find something that satisfies the hole in my chest.

Every time I think I've filled it, cold air goes passing through.

Love, music, art, school, work, animals, people, family, friends

All of these things I try to fill it with,

But it seems to only grow larger.

It expands.

Allowing me to learn and love a little more

But always leaving that empty, unsatisfied space.

I keep saying that my love is without end.

And it's true.

I don't tire of love.

When I have it, I nurture it to grow and fill the void.

I give it with infinite generosity.

Where am I going?

What am I saying?

I'm saying that even love gets lonely.

Love reaches heights that no other thing can compare with, but it's cold and it's lonely up there.

The moon is cold and lonely.

Though you may fly me to it,

I don't want to be there alone.

I think that's all for now..

- Nasia

Can You Afford It Diet

Anyone ever ask you if you can afford something?

What does that mean exactly?

To me, it doesn't mean "do you have enough money in your wallet/bank account at this current moment to purchase this item."

To me, it means, if you buy this, will you be able to take care of other things that need to be paid for later on?

Will this purchase put a hold on any future purchases that you are responsible for?

There are plenty of times that I have the money to buy something, but I can't afford to spend that money on it because I may need it for gas or food later in the week.

Does that make sense?

I often see people buy things because they have the money, but without thinking about if they can afford it.

Maybe that's why I don't buy a whole lot of stuff. I usually can't afford things, and by the time I can afford it, I don't want it as much or at all.

It's the C.Y.A.I. diet. Can You Afford It?

Adopt this into your life and see how much money you save and how few things you buy that you don't actually want two weeks later.

Peace and stuff,
Mouse

Goals or something

In 2 Fridays I will be 22.

Before I turn 23, I want to make myself significantly better in as many ways as I can.

I want to know what it is I want to be doing for the next 5 or 10 years.

I want to be more flexible.

I want to be a better artist, musician, and writer.

How will this be measured?

Well, for the flexibility, it's fairly easy. I can't touch my toes without bending my knees and I can't do the splits either.

I want to be able to do both of these things before I turn 23 or at least be able to touch my toes.

I used to be able to.

I haven't been stretching...

The art is fairly easy to measure as my skill in drawing humans is lacking a lot.

I'll just compare my drawings for the next year and see if there's any improvement.

The same is said for my guitaring/keyboarding/singing...

I know that I am a better singer now than I was last year at this time. I wasn't even playing keyboard last year at this time so that's an improvement.

And my guitaring I don't feel like I've improved, but I know that I can a LOT and I want to.

I need to not be discouraged.

Or more so

I need to be encouraged.

As a kid, I would do things and my parents would be proud of it.

Now, it's kind of like I'm on my own for that.

But my work is not really anything I'm proud of anymore.

And no one else seems exceptionally fond of it.

My boyfriend likes it most of the time.

And his encouragement helps.

But I don't get it all the time.

Because he's far and busy getting his music and school together.

So, it's mostly just me for now.

...

I wonder if anyone even reads my blog anymore...

Besides myself...

Who knows...

It's hard to tell who really cares about your life you know?

I care about a lot of people.

I wish I could interact with more of them more often.

I don't know if they see me the same way.

I don't know if they are even the same person anymore.

But what I remember of them, I miss.

And what I see, I want to be a part of.

But most people like to jump in and out of my world as is convenient.

I hope Shakespeare wants to be around me all the time.

I hope I can call you Shakespeare.

If not, then you might be something more clever...

Something that fits who you are...

Can't wait to bring you home kitty...

Clarity

Why do people think that if they repeat something exactly the way they said it the first time,

that that is clearing it up?

I didn't understand what you wanted the first time you said it.

What makes you think I will understand when you say it the second time?

I keep asking questions because YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!

I ask questions so that when you look at what I did,

there's no reason it should be wrong

because I did what you told me you wanted.

But if I don't even know what you want

because you don't know how to give proper direction,

you can't tell me I did something wrong.

You didn't even tell me what to do right in the first place.

That's like saying take you to your house,

even though I don't even know who you are.

And if I ask where it is or what it looks like you reply with "MY HOUSE.

It looks like MY HOUSE."

Yes.

I know...

AND WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE?!

aghh....

It's so frustrating...

When someone doesn't understand,

and you NEED them to understand,

you CLARIFY by giving new examples and explaining things in a DIFFERENT way.

You answer their question with a NEW ANSWER.

NOOOOTTT the exact same thing you said before...

>_<

headache...

Hello

I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I guess I haven't really had much to say. Or...everything I do want to say, I just say to my boyfriend because I can do that now. I can say whatever is on my mind right to a live person who actually cares instead of to possibly no one or worse, to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I've also said a lot to Twitter I guess. Most things are just...short...bleh I'm bored...

Peace,
Mouse

YOLOSoLo

I was gonna tweet this, but it ended up getting too detailed...

In relationships, you fight and argue and say things you don't mean and you talk and compromise and move forward because life is too short to be mad. It's too short not to just get through with the issue and continue to love each other. You learn your lesson. You don't need to be punished or given consequences. Your consequences are this disruption in your happiness so now that it's over, go be happy. Go love and grow and learn. People keep saying that annoying YOLO crap, but they're using it in all the wrong ways. It should be "Y.O.L.O.So.Lo." You only live once, so love. Love often and as much as you can. Appreciate things. Make it known that you do. Tell people that you think they are wonderful. Smile. Life is frikin difficult enough. Don't make yourself go through it angry or depressed. Ever notice how people always say FML at the worst times? Start saying BML or something similar when things go wrong, then maybe things will go a little more right (Bless My Life).

Trusis,
Mouse <:3 )~

P.S.: Yea, I think I'm crazy. Every few months the mood of my blogs go from this type of optimistic thing to "Who Am I? What Am I Doing With My Life?" But that's what I have to do to figure out how to get back to here.