Important Rant

I've come to realize something that's really, really lame. People don't care about you. That's not entirely true, but let me explain what I mean. It might just be me...which is still really unfortunate and saddening, but whatevers, just read on...

I don't even know how to start explaining...

Pretty much, it's like this: There are people that I care about (friends, family, etc.) that put on a "front" (in quotes because I don't really know what it is, but that's the best word for it) that they want me around, wanna hang with me, miss me, wanna see me, blah blah blah, but when I'm available (and for the last month I've been very available) I'm the last to be thought about. I might be seeing things wrong, but I'm only a priority to people when they need something from me. They don't try to see me or talk to me just because they want to. They do it when I can offer them something or when it's convenient. Right now, I can't really offer much, and I've been trying to be around. One of the main reasons I moved back here is because I wanted to be closer to these people. All the time I was gone they wanted me around and now that I'm here, they don't come see me.

There are, of course, people that DON'T fit into that paragraph up there, and I'm very grateful to have those people. I'm grateful for all of them, the others just make it hard to care about being grateful.

This video reminded me of a lot of great things. One of those things is that my world is only as big as the people in it and it feels very tiny and I'm suffocating in the loneliness. Of course, having a car and job would help with that a lot because I could just go all over and pay for it. But the video reminded me of another thing, which is that if you're unhappy with things, change them, and I did, BUT I'm still unhappy which means...

I NEED TO CHANGE THINGS AGAIN

It's just very difficult...these things that I need to change...I don't know exactly how to change them. I need to be more of a people person. I need to know how to talk, but more-so, how to SPEAK, and speak UP. I do sometimes, but I don't know what triggers it...and when I notice that I'm NOT doing it, I feel like I need to stop for a second and fix myself, but it's difficult to make a pit stop in the middle of things. It's not exactly a concrete event like in NASCAR. There's no guided lane to pit stop. In life, you just choose to do it. And choices are HARD, man...

How do you make yourself not fear the future? I'm not Will Smith's son in After Earth and I'm not fighting monsters for my survival. The subtler, less extreme scenarios always feel so much more difficult.

I'm way off topic...

I just wish people showed their care and appreciation for me more. The people that do, do it well, and the people that don't, need to realize that I'm not gonna be here every time they need me and I'm not always going to say yes just because I happen to be here and I can. I say yes to things because I want to. I want to help. I want to be shown gratitude. I want to make a good difference in people's lives. I know they won't know until I SPEAK UP, but I've always got a "but". Some reason why I won't.

ugh -_____-

I annoy myself.