Naked and Crying

"I plan to start the new year the same way I started my life- naked and crying."

Totally just read that here. It's number 2691. Anyway, it sparked an idea in my mind about my 21st birthday. I don't even remember if I blogged about that, but I can tell you that I don't remember much of that night. I DO remember crying and being bathed though. Not sure about bright lights so much, I feel like my eyes were closed most of the time. I remember waking up the next morning wondering where I was: in my mom's bed. And what had happened the night before. I wasn't naked though. I had shorts and a sports bra, which I guess is less than I normally wake up in (pajamas). Either way, a lot was solved for me that night outside of my decision to not drink so much ever again and ultimately to maybe even just not drink anymore. I might sip a cooler or a fancy glass of champagne on another new year's day or something of that sort, but the casual drinking thing is pretty lame and unnecessary and, yea, you know my take on it if you've read my other blogs or just know me that well. Since that day, all of my songs have been labelled under the album title "Chapter 21." (Which I find amusing because of Adele's album 21 and such. Great minds think alike, yea?) Any who, turning 21 was a bit of a rebirth for me. Between 18 and 21, I've experienced, love, heartbreak, death, employment, unemployment, frustration, happiness, false hopes, anger, independence, success, failure, and many other things. I'm 9 months away from Chapter 22, but this one, as I'm sure I've said before, isn't going to be labelled a "chapter." Level 22, power ups, skill points, etc. That's what I'm going for. They can be called "Chapter 2011" and "Level 2012" even. That would be appropriate.

Peace and Love and Stuff,
<:3 )~

Troubles

Troubles
Everyone in the universe has them though
One would think we'd have figured out some way to get rid of them
But troubles are a virus that our lame excuses for cures will not solve
Even the smallest ones make our minds revolve around them
Continuosly searching for solutions until we've found them
Or have given up on caring
Because sometimes giving up is easier
Than troubling yourself with troubles
Sometimes putting your head between your knees
Is better than drowning in a sea of inexplainable bubbles
Boiling as far as the eye can taste
The energy gained from troubles solved
Never seems equal to, but instead amount to less than
The energy we had to waste
To get the problem solved in the first place
But what good is leaving a problem untangled
When you inevitably get back to it
And you find your mind mangled
Once again by the same issue
That you put aside the month before
Finally caught back up to you with your shoes untied
And your pants on the floor
If only you'd have kept your head between your shoulders and away from you knees
But here's your chance to redeem yourself so please
Pack your strongest guns and wear that yellow helmet you got from the short bus
Because if I'm not getting out of this life alive
Neither are my troubles

-Donasia

Standing

Standing inside a studio
Waiting for a chance to inspire
A soul, a heart, a mind
To hear what you have to say
Standing in front of a producer
Who stands under lights
On stages, behind mics
In front of crowds of fans
Standing in front of a past
That brought you to the present
To this glint of light
That could outshine the sun
Standing beside me
Hand in hand
Waiting for our turn
To rise

When/If

It's interesting how much a sentence's meaning can change by simply changing one word.

If ___ happens, then ____.
Versus
When ____ happes, then ____.

Mi toro y yo had a talk about it once. Not the kind of talk that assumes we're gonna get married and all that. It's too soon for that (I don't know who defines what "too soon" is). Any who, he asked if talking about that stuff made me uncomfortable or anything like that, which it did not. It's almost been 3 months that we've been together now. I don't know how to gauge what society finds to be "okay" times in a relationship to start talking about certain subjects or whatever. But I told him as long as he knows the difference between if's and when's then everything is cool. I told him I've thought about IF we ever had kids, I think they'd be super cute and I'd probably name a boy Gabriel. And we've talked about things like that. We haven't talked about marriage and all that stuff. I don't really even have a clue what I'd want my wedding to be like when I am ready to get married. But we have talked about if we lived together, what things would be like and such. I think you don't really know someone until you live with them. And if living with them doesn't change your view of them, well that's obviously a good thing.

The reason I'm writing about this is because, the other night, we were pulling up to my house and he said "when we have our own place..." and continued on, and when he was done I replied "you said when," and smiled. He was like "oh...sorry babe, i was just saying..." But it didn't bother me. Made me pretty happy actually. So of course I reassured him it was alright.

I just started thinking about that because I tweeted "I wish I could come home to him." And of course we'd have to live together for that. It still feels like some far off future event that can possibly occur, but isn't certain, but I really hope it does. I don't get in a relationship with someone that I don't hope to one day marry. Dating is the sort of trial state until you get to that point where you just know each other so well and love each other to an undying degree. Where it's just like, getting married only changes the title of the bond and sets it deeper into the Earth...

bah...falling asleep still...

I got 2 hours of sleep...

Read the last entry to find out why.

Peace, For now,
Mouse <:3 )~

Monday Morning Blues

My car is broken outside of my apartment in the middle of the street next to the spot that it's supposed to be parked in. Tow truck will be here in about 20 minutes or so to put it where it belongs because we can't push it...or more so, it can't be pushed. And it's soooooo cold. All I want is my baby next to me, cuddled in bed, sleeping. Tomorrow is going to be a looooong day.

On the plus side, I got to spend all weekend with my Toro again. So that's awesome. Lot's of dancing. Lot's of sleeping. We even went to a studio and met some cool people. Aaaaand Usher and Alicia Keys were in the studio across from us, but we didn't get to meet them. But we did see them writing and talking to people and what not. And we'll be able to go back to the studio some time. Just gotta set up the dates.

At the end of the night, at least he got to experience that. The producer thought he was great. Everybody thought he was great. I hope things really get going for him.

I feel like I've been slightly distant, but not...at the same time. I want to spend time with JUST him. No one to get between or distract us. Just me and him and whatever we want to do. I could just lay my head on his chest and watch movies all day.

I could just hold him tight and cry right now >__<

I'm so tired. And I miss him so much.

I could spend a whole year with him and still miss him in the little bit of time we're apart. How do I know? I know me and how I feel. And that's enough.

<Off Topic..sorta> I'm honestly tired of the people that keep judging me and my decisions and the things I say. The people that take what they think they see and try to define it. It's like Kelly Clarkson's new song on the radio "Ain't it something y'all; when somebody tells you something about you; think that they know you more than you do." I know a few "Mr.KnowItAll"s and it's really...disappointing and frustrating. ESPECIALLY when their own history is just as bumpy or even more bumpy than my own.

Blah...

Forgot to mention my neck is sore...actually a lot of me is sore. And I'm hungry.

And these Lucky Charms are stale...but I'm gonna eat them anyway...

There's so much on my mind right now.

And I can't even write about it except for to complain right here.

A while ago I was talking to my Toro about how I don't want to really drink anymore and this weekend the subject came up of my disapproval of drinking. I originally told him not to let how I feel about me drinking affect whether or not he enjoys it and I guess it kind of shows that even that bothers me. I don't want it to. I don't want to make him change how he feels about it because of how I feel about it unless it's how he feels about it already. I don't want it to be BECAUSE of me. You know? I hate that image of the typical girlfriend that changes her boyfriend into whatever it is they want to change him into. I don't want to change him. I'm just bothered by alcohol intake. And it's not just when he does it, it's when anyone I'm enjoying time with does it. I kinda feel like they aren't themselves anymore. The same way I feel like I'm not really myself when I drink. If you don't remember something you did because you were drinking, I don't feel like it was you that did it. Idk. I hope that makes sense. I just don't feel like drinking is necessary. It doesn't help anything. It just makes you feel like crap. And it tastes like crap. It feels wasteful and pointless to me and I guess I wouldn't be Donasia if I didn't say that I try to make everything have some sort of point. I put logic to EVERYTHING. I can't help it. Well, kinda. When it affects me, or is directed towards me, or anything having to do with me  (directly or indirectly) I dissect, analyze, and put logic to it. It gets organized and stored for later usage, which would seem to make a useless storage of information, but these things come in handy...I forgot what my point was.
Drinking is pointless to me and just makes me feel like the people I'm hanging out with that are drinking aren't the people I originally sat down with before thy started drinking. Prime example? My best friend. He's not himself when he drinks...or he's a few parts of himself set to an extreme level that is too obnoxious to continue writing about. He wants to see me drunk. I don't want to be drunk because I don't like losing control of myself or my world. Alcohol takes that control and I don't know where it puts it, but for the time I'm under its influence, I would rather be sober, enjoying my friends and family and remembering stuff. Alcohol is dumb. That's it.

I'm falling asleep writing this...typing...whatever...

:( I miss him

Happy(ier) Monday...
Nasia

Missing You

Your hands reach out
From behind the screen
And I feel you touch my cheek
But I'm just imagining
Because technology's not that advanced
But if it were I'd take hold of your hands
And you could pull me through the picture
Like they do in Blue's Clues
But what Blue can do, we can't do
But if we could you know
All my dreams would come true
I just want to be close to you
My heart feels heavy
With you so far
Barely want to leave my bed
Won't even step into the car
Unless I'm driving it to you
The only place my heart leads me
Your eyes and your smile
The only things that relieve me
Of this pleasant torture
That we endure every day on skype
Audio quality is low
But I can hear you say goodnight
Fall asleep in your arms
In my imaginary theater
Feeling your warmth
Sent from you, through my heater
Your heart beat resounding in my ear
My heart cries out wishing you were here...

Can't wait for next weekend.
I miss you so much.
Longing for your kisses.
Crying out for your touch.
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.
So fond is this heart of mine be.
I wish I could visit every day
Just to feel you next to me.

Liars

You know what's annoying?
Liars.

You know what's worse?
Liars that get other people to believe their lies and let those people run around carrying out the dirty work behind the lies.

And you know what's even more worse than that?
When the liars are loan collectors and the person running around for them is your grandma.

I love my grandma. And I would never do anything to slander her or talk bad about her or hurt her feelings. She cosigned for my student loans so I could finish school and for that I am grateful, but that isn't the point of this entry.

See, I couldn't pay my loans for some time because I didn't have any money (reason I took the loans out in the first place). They call ALL THE TIME bugging about the money like somehow them calling is going to put money in my bank account. No! Idiots...it doesn't work like that. Anyway, they call my grandma all the time, too, who then calls me as well. So then I have loan collectors calling me to pay them and my grandma calling me to pay them as well. What do I do? I try my hardest to please everyone and pay my loans without becoming an emotional wreck, which, if you read any of my blogs, you would know that's nearly impossible. Soooo, I make some payments finally and get a great job and set up a plan with the loan people to just take the money out of my account each month. Everyone is happy. No more calls. No more dealing with anyone. Money just goes and I don't have to think/stress about it. Right? NO! It can't work that way. Of course.

Payment day comes and goes. I still have all my money. Next payment day comes and goes. My grandma is calling me. Sallie Mae is calling me. WTF?!?!?! Okay, so I tell her what I did and she tells me that they don't have my account on file. Finally, when I have the time (because I work all day and they aren't open on weekends) I call and make a payment. Okay, so they don't have my account on file anymore. I give them my account to put on file. THEY HAVE MY FRIKIN ACCOUNT NOW RIGHT? Keep reading.

Not too long ago I get a text from my grandma. These people won't stop calling her. They need my account number. I tell her what I did, but they STILL say they don't have my account. I JUST gave it to them before last year ended. Literally. Did 2012 break their computers? No. They're just IDIOTS. So what do I do? I tell her I'll have my mom take care of it. I get home. I make a payment online. Why didn't I do that before? Because for the longest time their online payment system was...more frustrating than the automated machines that answer when you call to make payments. It's "simpler" now. And so I'll probably stick to doing it this way.

And if I EVER meet someone that works for Sallie Mae or any loan company really...hopefully I have a pet shark by then...



Dear Loan Collectors,

Get eaten by a shark.

Thank You,
Donasia B.

Emotional

Why must I be so...
When I want to say yes and I still say no
When my body's walking away, but I don't want to go
But you can look at me and I'll smile because I hate to show
That I'm so...
Just so...
And the smallest thing might hurt my feelings
But I hate to lose that control
And even more so I hate revealing
Well you know
That I'm so...
Just so...
Sometimes it's temporary
Like the quick rain showers of Orlando
Sometimes it's so much worse
And the flood gates burst...
I wish I knew how to deal with it
After 21 years you'd think I'd know...
But I don't.

2012 Resolution

Last year I made a resolution to get out of my mom's house, get a real job, get fit, and because of events that occurred after my original resolution was made, I also wanted to get control of my heart. As the year began to end I was almost beginning to think 2011 was just gonna be one of those terrible years I'd look back on. Though a lot of unfortunate events took place, 2011 has redeemed itself in a way. For one, I eventually got a great job that I love and that I believe I'm becoming very valuable in. If not valuable, they at least like me and my work a lot. Either way, I've found myself in a very good place with very good people. Because of this job, I was able to move out of my mom's house. That's half of my resolution already. At the beginning of 2011 I was working out with my uncle and got my body back into the shape I like it to be in. Everyone keeps saying "oh you're already fit you don't need to work out", but no, I had to. I'm a perfectionist. And my body wasn't where I wanted it to be, but now it is. And I'm happy with it. To top it off, I've got this guy...now, you probably have been reading my blogs, or not, but you should maybe skim the previous ones to know that I have a "complex" if you will...that's my best way of explaining it. I've got Fairy-Tale-Itis. :P However you wanna put it, I fall in love and I fall hard. And the pattern has been that I'm pushed back out of it against my will and it's very unpleasant. Buuuuut that's not what this is about. See, I was careful this time. I took my time. I held back. But the minute I felt safe to fall, I fell. And I'm still falling. And it's crazy to me still. Maybe it's too soon to make any real observations, but I have a great feeling. Like a really great feeling.

I'm gonna go deeper into that before I move on to the real subject of this entry...
I have a thing about affection. A hug can mean so much more to me than simply...well, a hug. I hug my mom when I see her after long or short periods of time and then I hug her when I'm feeling up or down, too. And it's like, a comfort. You know? Like, nothing can happen to me when I hug my mom. And I get that from other people, too. People I'm close to or that really appreciate me and I can feel that when they hug me. So, of course, it's only important that I can hug my significant other that way. And man, does he give me great hugs. I feel safe when I hug him. It's one of the greatest feelings. On top of that, he gets along with my family of course. I can't be with anyone that can't get along with my family. Their approval is greatly needed. And I mean everyone from my parents and brothers to Granny Ver to Reyna and Jonathan and Jordan. All of their opinions matter to me. I guess I naturally go for someone they'd just like because I like them. Anyway, he loves being around my family and they seem to like him too so that's really cool. Another thing, when we talk about things, I can talk about anything. And I know there are people that tell me I can talk to them about anything, but I'm not comfortable doing so. With him, I can actually say ANYTHING. Anything at all. He's so...free. If that makes any sense. Like, his mind is beyond open, so much so that he says things that I'm almost certain I've said before. His hopes and beliefs are in sync with my own hopes and beliefs. It's so crazy to me when we're talking and he says something and I'm just like I SWEAR I've said that to someone before and it's sooooo true. And it amazes me because I don't even have to say these things. He just knows them. He's not "Disney Brainwashed", but he's got that magic...like...sometimes we get on the subject of our pasts and instead of it being weird, he's just like, "well this is how I would handle that situation" and I'm like "that's EXACTLY how I would prefer it." Usually I just know how I DON'T want something, but he puts words to all the things I want before I can realize that it's what I've been looking for. And he's just being honest. He doesn't know that that's what I would rather have because I haven't told him because I don't even know. And we go step by step through our lives and as things happen he just does things that throw me off because in the past things would have went different, but the way he gets by is exactly what I'd have asked for if I knew to ask for it. It's like after you get your burger and find out it has mushrooms too and then you know next time to say no mushrooms, except it's more like, this next time the waiter just knows I didn't want mushrooms and I'm just like wow this burger is amazing and he goes "Oh, I took out the mushrooms." And then it hits me. That's what I wanted. I hope that makes sense. Anyway...gonna move on to the next subject before I keep rambling on and make someone sick :P

Well, I'm not totally sure what my 2012 resolution is, but I think it's something like this:

I want to take all the things I earned and learned last year and plant them and let them grow. I want to be a better artist and climb the ladder at work. I want to grow to love my boyfriend to the highest extremes. I want to keep my body toned and get my lungs even stronger. I want to continue to grow in my music and writing. I want an overall upgrade on everything I've become. I want to go from Chapter 21 to Level 22. Chapter 21 was a bit of a drama with a fairly happy conclusion. I'm hoping Level 22 will be the highlight that follows. In 2011, I lost a lot of great things and a lot of bad habits, too. In 2012, I'll take the things I earned from 2011 and invest and nurture them to full maturity (or at least in that direction). That's my resolution. An overall upgrade.

Peace and Love and stuff,
Mouse <:3 )~