Poetic Disaster

There's something about standing behind a mic that makes my palms sweat like all the eyes are on me. You see there's something about standing up on a stage that makes me rewind every moment play by play because all eyes are watching every word I say and if I make a mistake well, you see. I love poetry. I love the way a simple arrangement of words can describe not only the situation but the emotions felt at the time; How people will sit at the edge of their seats when you hold on to a little bit of antici....pation. You awaken them to your world though they may never have seen anything like it, all you have to do is write and recite it and your world becomes theirs. This poem is my will and you're all the heirs. Don't worry about paying fares. The ride is free, but then again I think maybe it's just me. I get up on stage and I'm all you see and all you hear is my poetry. Hoping I could pause...just long enough to get you on the edge of your seat or maybe when I'm done I'd like to see someone brought to their feet, applauding. Just once I'd like to touch a heart so deep that someone shakes my hand when I'm done. There's something about standing in front of a crowd that makes me uncomfortable like I'm suddenly naked and all your Myspace pictures have been taken uploaded to Facebook to be liked and shared and mistaken for something it's not, but what is it? It's me, behind a mic, on a stage, in front of a crowd; Hoping one day to shake your hand proud because my arrangement of words made your heart pound a little faster. 'Til then I'll be this metaphorically naked, sweaty palmed, poetic disaster.

<:3 )~

Dear Lord

dear lord,
where does a sorrow filled heart begin?
you handed us this battle
did we win?
a question on many people's minds
with answers they can't find.
but lord i know we won.
you loaned us Gilani
as you loaned us your son.
she's in your hand now as your will be done
upon her and this family.
we hand her to you gratefully.
another angel to guide us through the haze
as we continue in these earthly days.
we know she sits beside her daughter.
though our eyes continue to water.
i thank you yet again
for granting us such a friend.
your strength through her lives on in us.
dispersed across the universe.
every heart touched by you through her.
every soul caused to stand and stir
up tears that fall upon cheeks
that create the smiles that love Gilani.
i know I'll see her again when you want me.
and it will be an honor
to sit with her again, father.

R.I.P. Gilani and Jayla
<3 Love Always,
Nasia

Connections

I've recently been talking with someone I met online. I haven't actually met her in person, but you know what I mean right? I suppose I spend enough time online, it only makes sense I'd make friends here. I mean, I kinda met Christy online. And actually, this is a similar sort of connection I'm trying to express here. Any who, I met her on a site a rarely go to. She just happened to add me one day and we started talking about stuff we're interested in what not. Idk if it's just me, but it always mazes me when someone is so much on the same level as me. Like when I first met Christy, was over Myspace, but I had actually got her info from the roommate list for school. We started talking and it was crazy how well we meshed. We ended up being roommates in college and things were just great. Christy's one of the most awesome people I know. So yea, this girl is really chill. Like, there's a level of understanding there where I can say something and she gets it. That doesn't always happen unless I've spent a lot of time around someone and even still sometimes they don't get me. I think the best part is that she loves the arts, particularly writing. And she's good with it. I haven't read very much of her stuff, but I've read enough to admire it. It's kind of like when I went to the Get Lit open mic thing with Carter and heard those kids perform. There's something about writing that gets me more than singing. If you didn't know, I've got a thing for people that can sing. Mostly I think it's because it's a skill I have yet to get close to mastering that I really wish I was better at. So with writing, I'm constantly learning because there's always new words out there and always new forms of expression through words. The first thing I noticed was her messages actually used proper grammar and if you know about me and grammar, well, I don't have to say much more. That's usually the first thing I notice when people talk to me. It's not that I judge people based on it either because I know a lot of people that don't use proper grammar and it doesn't change who they are or something. I just prefer reading messages that I don't have to guess what was meant because there was a lack of a comma or no period or something. I just highly appreciate well used grammar. Anyway, she also took the time to check out what I'm about and could actually kind of relate to it without trying to make herself sound cool like some people do. You say you draw and they suddenly know the history of the pencil. Lmao. You get what I'm saying right? I can appreciate that though. So then we exchange blogs. She tumbles. I blogger. I get to reading and am suddenly inspired. I'm not sure how she means for her stuff to sound, but I read it in my own voice and it's like the stuff the Get Lit kids were doing. It's like...idk what to call it. It's not that it was the same, because all of those kids were different, but it just hits me the same way. Like, I sit on the edge of my seat when I hear those kids. They have me laughing and crying and thinking all at once. It's crazy. Some people can do that to me with their singing, too. That's why I love singing and music altogether. Piano, guitar, voice, drums. Anything. I can feel the emotion in it and it can overwhelm me. But I'm getting off topic. This connection always gets to me. I don't question it. I just really appreciate it. I mean, were still talking and each message is just more and more like WOW why weren't we friends years ago? It's just super cool...but I'm the type of person that loves people; that enjoys making new connections with people from all over simply for the intellectual or humorous times that can be shared. People interest me. Though probably not enough to go to school to study about them. I'd rather just talk to them. It's interesting to me how people can affect me the way they do. And I love having that affect on people, too. I know she's probably gonna read this so I'm just gonna say thanks and nice to meet you. ^_^

She's not the only person it's happened with recently though. Two months ago I dove into a connection with a guy that really caught my interest. He sings and writes. And his writing captures me in that same way. It's inspired a lot of my writing and my style and even my confidence. And I appreciate him for it.

I love being surrounded by people that make me a better person and I love helping other people to better themselves. Maybe that's why I like school so much. Not only do I love learning, but I love that bond between brains. I think I've been inspired to open a new book.

Hasta la Pasta,
This mouse is reading...
[ | ] <:3 )~ (thats a book...) XD

Jayla's Poem

A lot of people asked me for a copy of this poem so here it is...

in times of pain

it seems to rain

even in this cali heat wave,

but it seems the devil is still at it.

someone's still pitching

and the devils still battin.

but this family is a million cities strong

even in our times of loss

we're still moving on.

people want to speak of karma,

the type of people I'd like to harm uh.

the world is too ugly

so the god above me

took my beautiful cousin and her faith so deep,

to his world where he knew he could keep

her safe from the monsters that sleep

in these beds and call this world home,

but jayla, your journey isn't traveled alone.

we're all here with ya.

you know we love and miss ya.

so i wrote you this song

to say, jayla be strong.

no one every knows why god works the way he does,

why he takes those we love,

but we trust in his reasoning

so we sit down this evening

and pray because those we lost may be physically gone,

but in our hearts they will always live on.

and it's alright to cry.

let it poor on this cali weather.

this family stands strong

and this family cries together.

not because we be weak

but because, strength, we got it.

every demon that comes to pass.

we charged in and we fought it.

so now jayla we fight for you.

and i ask god for the right path to show me.

i thank god for our time together

and want you to know you won't be lonely.

-Donasia Adjauni Brown <3

The Moon

It's strange. I get excited when I see the moon, especially in the day time. It was pretty large when I saw it earlier today. It just hit noon. Idk where the moon is but I saw it earlier and pointed it out. No, I'm not a werewolf. :P I do have a werewolf mask, though I keep calling it a monkey. It looks like a monkey. Weremonkey. idk. I'm not going to wear it on Halloween though. I'm going to be myself. Batman. Of course. Anyway, back to the moon. I can see "Elvis" written across the moon. I've yet for someone else to see it, too. I believe Elvis is on the moon. I'm gonna take a nap.

Hasta la Pasta,
<:3 )~

Observe Rant

I often find myself frustrated with people or things in life, but it always hits me that they probably don't have the family support and love behind them like I have. I don't get mad at people because I love who I am and won't let other people's bad energy rub off on me. My mom has been saying to all the kids not to do or say anything that doesn't come from the heart. Everything you do must come from the heart. I've realized that sometimes I don't think what I feel in my heart is right and so I won't act on it and then sometimes I find myself wanting to do or say certain things that may have been caused by others actions and in my head I feel like it's the right thing to do or say, but in my heart I know it isn't and so I don't say it because in my heart it isn't what I really feel. Sometimes it takes a bit for me to decipher what is coming from my heart and what's coming from elsewhere and so I just wait patiently for my answer. Recently I've found myself in a sort of unspoken situation that I know is there, but haven't dealt with because in my own heart I don't feel it's appropriate right now and I know that were things not as they were right now I may have dealt with this and it could have gone bad or good. But I noticed I take a lot of other people's responsibility and take ownership or a sort of self-reasoned excuse for lot's of people's actions or words in order to prevent conflicts or other unnecessary events. What I'm trying to say is, I take a lot of crap for and from people because I love them and know that I can handle taking the crap on my own than dishing it back out for people to deal with themselves. And it's not necessarily crap either. It's just things that happen or words that are said or emotions that have been held in or idk. I'm very observant and always listening to what's going on around me and just taking it in. I'm a constant sponge. A blackhole even. I can't necessarily relay all of the information back on the spot, but when the time is right I'll have a few important facts to dish out. I watch the world around me from my little bubble. This is one reason I got the nickname mouse in the first place. I was always so quiet and reserved. I kept to myself. I was always just observing. I don't ask a lot of questions. I observe and I learn. People that aren't around me 24/7 don't notice it so much anymore because I'm usually a part of what's going on instead of watching it, but lately I've been distant. Just watching. And not necessarily watching anyone in particular, but just watching. Sometimes staring off at things. I don't space out though. I'm still aware of my complete surroundings and paying attention to what's going on around me. To someone that isn't used to me in this mode, I look down or depressed simply because I'm not bouncing around and smiling and being random. The only people that seem to understand this mode is my family, of course. They've seen it for 21 years. They gave me the name mouse. Actually, the complete opposite of that mode surprises them. The fact that I can talk in front of groups (or talk at all to some) is what puzzled them for a bit. Some don't believe that either mode is me because they're only used to one side. Both are me. I am both hyper and reserved. Outgoing and inverted. I am mouse. Hidden in the shadows or on display for a science project. I adapt well to my surroundings, go to sleep late and wake up late. I'm comfortable in small spaces or large rooms. And though I might not say much all of the time, I can say a lot when I really want to. I retreat to my little bubble/room/space when I'm uncomfortable, sad, upset, or just tired. I hate for it to be invaded as it is all that I ask for.

Well I think I'm tired of writing for right now.

Hasta la pasta,
<:3 )~

God's Army

I never was very religious. I guess I can still say I'm not really because I don't believe in the type of religion that seems to sweep everyone to others' doors spreading their beliefs like girl scout cookies. I have a strong set of beliefs and faith in something, which I believe is what religion is supposed to be about. Anyway, today I saw that Steve Jobs passed and it got me thinking...a lot of great/important people have passed in the past few years. It's become almost a sort of pattern. People that were well known in society or had a large impact on it or even just brilliant, beautiful people. I say beautiful as in their souls and heart and even their physical appearance, but mostly on the inside. It got me thinking that maybe God is collecting his most beautiful creations in preparation for something or maybe just because. Maybe he sees what's going on down here and sees that they have done all they can do for us or maybe by taking them away he wants us to realize something greater than what they accomplished by being here. I feel like my cousin, Jayla, was one of the most brilliant and beautiful and fun kids I've ever known and that God didn't want her down here suffering the pains of everyday life, when she deserves to be with Him in heaven. I feel like maybe he's not taking ALL of his angels, but a large sum of them so that some can stay on Earth and keep the faith strong while his most beautiful creations can return to him and prepare for whatever his next plan is. Like I said, I'm not extremely religious, but I do have beliefs and thoughts and feelings. God took Jayla and left Gilani to be the strong messenger of God that she is. She is a symbol of strength and faith that I have always admired and God will get her through this journey that she faces to be even stronger and when her time comes she will be with her Jayla again. And so will the rest of us as we face life and death in our own time.

<3,
Mouse <:3 )~

To Miss

I've realized that missing someone doesn't consist of crying over the fact that they aren't around, but remembering the times they were around and wising you could have more of those times all at once right now. The strange thing about how I feel about everything right now, between the crying and between going on with life, I feel like one day I will see everyone again as I remember them. People always found it weird that I never really felt it necessary to say "I miss you" or that I felt awkward saying "I miss you too" when I don't really feel that way. I'm beginning to understand now why I feel like I never really miss people. I tried to explain it once like this...I know I'm going to see people again and so I don't worry about missing them or feeling sad that they aren't around. Even now, I know one day I will be beside Jayla again in our matching high top chucks celebrating our birthday together since they're only 2 days apart or eating tuna sandwiches or asking her about the book she just finished. I know this. Like, I'm completely certain of this fact, more so than I am of the things they teach in school. I know one day each person I know will be gone from me or I from them and we will be sad because there will be a gap in time where either of us will no longer be able to be around the other until that point in time that we all meet up again. I feel like it's like when I left Florida. I was sad to be leaving my friends, but I knew that I would see them all again and so I wasn't so sad. I knew I could always talk to them or at least send them a message and hope they'd send one back. I feel the same way now. I can talk to Jayla anytime I want just like before. The only thing that has changed is that I might not get her reply as soon as I'd like and I might not be able to give her a hug or hear her for a while, but one day I will. I never was the "perfect Christian" going to church every Sunday. I never read the entire bible. I don't even know if I went through first communion. But I know now that I DO have faith. Maybe before I questioned what I believed or who or how, and maybe now I'm still not completely certain as how it all makes any sense, but I know I believe in the same God that Jayla believes in. I know that she's with him and grandpa and Sanji. I know that one day I'll be there, too.

Pain is an aspect of time. Just as the seconds pass, so does pain, and so do we. </Mufasa voice>

I also know that Gilani will get through this. Many are sad because of her changed outer appearance, but Gilani's inner beauty is what has gotten her so far and what I know will continue to bring her further. 

Also, some people might be bothered by my mellower mood lately and try to cheer me up and get me back to being hyper, but that's not what I want right now. That's not what feels right. I'm okay. I'm just in a state of extreme concentration and reflection, locked up in my head right now. I don't want to talk much. I don't want to laugh at everything. I don't want to be randomly affectionate or goofy. I just want to be as I am and think about the things I think about. I always had an easier time explaining myself "on paper." I can skip the waterworks and get straight to my point, or even get to my point during the waterworks. Talking + waterworks = lots of repeating myself and/or difficulty breathing. Not good. 

Well, that's all I have to say for now.

Peace n love n stuff,

Mouse <:3 )~ <3