Important Rant

I've come to realize something that's really, really lame. People don't care about you. That's not entirely true, but let me explain what I mean. It might just be me...which is still really unfortunate and saddening, but whatevers, just read on...

I don't even know how to start explaining...

Pretty much, it's like this: There are people that I care about (friends, family, etc.) that put on a "front" (in quotes because I don't really know what it is, but that's the best word for it) that they want me around, wanna hang with me, miss me, wanna see me, blah blah blah, but when I'm available (and for the last month I've been very available) I'm the last to be thought about. I might be seeing things wrong, but I'm only a priority to people when they need something from me. They don't try to see me or talk to me just because they want to. They do it when I can offer them something or when it's convenient. Right now, I can't really offer much, and I've been trying to be around. One of the main reasons I moved back here is because I wanted to be closer to these people. All the time I was gone they wanted me around and now that I'm here, they don't come see me.

There are, of course, people that DON'T fit into that paragraph up there, and I'm very grateful to have those people. I'm grateful for all of them, the others just make it hard to care about being grateful.

This video reminded me of a lot of great things. One of those things is that my world is only as big as the people in it and it feels very tiny and I'm suffocating in the loneliness. Of course, having a car and job would help with that a lot because I could just go all over and pay for it. But the video reminded me of another thing, which is that if you're unhappy with things, change them, and I did, BUT I'm still unhappy which means...

I NEED TO CHANGE THINGS AGAIN

It's just very difficult...these things that I need to change...I don't know exactly how to change them. I need to be more of a people person. I need to know how to talk, but more-so, how to SPEAK, and speak UP. I do sometimes, but I don't know what triggers it...and when I notice that I'm NOT doing it, I feel like I need to stop for a second and fix myself, but it's difficult to make a pit stop in the middle of things. It's not exactly a concrete event like in NASCAR. There's no guided lane to pit stop. In life, you just choose to do it. And choices are HARD, man...

How do you make yourself not fear the future? I'm not Will Smith's son in After Earth and I'm not fighting monsters for my survival. The subtler, less extreme scenarios always feel so much more difficult.

I'm way off topic...

I just wish people showed their care and appreciation for me more. The people that do, do it well, and the people that don't, need to realize that I'm not gonna be here every time they need me and I'm not always going to say yes just because I happen to be here and I can. I say yes to things because I want to. I want to help. I want to be shown gratitude. I want to make a good difference in people's lives. I know they won't know until I SPEAK UP, but I've always got a "but". Some reason why I won't.

ugh -_____-

I annoy myself.

Death

Death,

What are you?

What ARE you?

I can't wrap my mind around you. I can't look behind you. I can't see through you.

But you pick and prod away at my heart strings.

You phantom harp player.

Coming and going as you please

With not so much as a whisper in the night

As you pass

Not even a goodbye.

You have taken the most God-loving, to even those who love to joke about him, to those who could never even fathom what a God could even be.

Behind you is a trail of the fearful, the hopeful, and the confused...

My mind aches to unravel you...

But your language is of an unspoken tongue

You are cryptic in your crypt keeping...

I don't understand.

I don't know if I ever will.

And that leaves me uneasy...

Forever feeling in my heart that my loved ones are SOMEWHERE

But where...

I can't fathom...

Somewhere only the phantom harp player knows...

My mind stretches only far enough for me to know they are somewhere beyond my heart...

And that I will be there, too, one day.

I don't understand you, death.

I don't know what happens to souls when they leave bodies.

I can't help but continuously try and try to solve your algorithm like another puzzle in the palm of my hand...

You are beyond words and numbers and simple human thoughts...

CJ's Blankies 4 My Buddies Project

Help my little cousin, CJ, raise money to provide blankets for children everywhere! 

Stargazing pt.2

Well...that was quick right? Ehehehe...

I doubt I'm going to remember to keep up with that picture in the first Stargazing post sooooo

New idea.!

..IF I remember to gaze at the stars

and IF my phone decides to take a swell picture

THEN I will keep up with it...

otherwise, it's a no go mo fro.

Ahahaha yes I laugh at my own jokes...

If you don't love yourself, you can't love anyone else properly...

If you don't laugh at your own jokes...you must not be very funny!

laugh my ass off...

yes...

i did that..

peas,
mous3 <:3 )~

Summed Up So Far

My "love life" potentially summed up so far:

1990ish - 2002
Oblivious Treasure.

2002 - 2008
Innocent fool.

2008 - 2009
Naive hero.

2009 - 2011
Blind optometrist.

a few months in early 2011
Heartbroken sidekick.

a few months in mid 2011
Emotional android.

and finally, late 2011 to now...
I can't even think of some witty 2 word tag line to label myself with.

I imagine I can come back to this post in a few years and say something like Adored Wife...

I think that's a possibility.

He's going to say something like "No, it's a certainty."

I love that about him.

:)

Goodnight!

<3 Mouse

Stargazing

I do love the universe...

I'm going to try to follow along with this list and take pictures as well as my phone can. :)

I'll just edit them into this...

January 21st - 

Cold and Alone

I love cold weather

But not because I love shivering my butt off

I love cold weather because it gives me every excuse to stay as close to the people I love as I can

And they do the same to me.

Cold weather is not good for being alone.

I think from November to March is just a whole bunch of events to make single people feel like crap.

If you have a close family, things are a lot better.

But people who don't have close family, friends, or some kind of loved one or other passion get cold

I tend not to be a very passionate person on the outside.

I don't get excited often.

I don't want things often.

I don't have reasons to pursue grandiose dreams

I don't set my heart out to get things and then go get them

At least not often.

But when I do

Believe that I get those things.

When I'm excited for something to happen,

I do not get disappointed.

When I want something,

I make sure I get it.

When I pursue something,

The time comes when it is mine.

And when my heart is set,

There is no hammer or vicegrip of any size that can remove the sparkled diamond from my sight.

So why am I writing this blog?

Because I am the only one who can simply lift the diamond and put it back in my pocket for later.

And because I find myself in situations where my wants and excitements are set aside by me for someone else.

Why do I do that?

Well, if I don't, they will.

And that's not fair is it?

If you've been reading my blogs,

I know I haven't been saying much lately, but I want to go back to a post I wrote about "The Hero".

"Who saves the hero?"

I think I'm learning that the hero isn't always saved.

Saved from what exactly?

From loneliness and the coldness that is the world we live in.

From the sad darkness that fills all empty voids.

And I often find myself to be filling with this cold loneliness.

I watched something once about people being born with giant holes in their chests that they try to fill with things

I've yet to find something that satisfies the hole in my chest.

Every time I think I've filled it, cold air goes passing through.

Love, music, art, school, work, animals, people, family, friends

All of these things I try to fill it with,

But it seems to only grow larger.

It expands.

Allowing me to learn and love a little more

But always leaving that empty, unsatisfied space.

I keep saying that my love is without end.

And it's true.

I don't tire of love.

When I have it, I nurture it to grow and fill the void.

I give it with infinite generosity.

Where am I going?

What am I saying?

I'm saying that even love gets lonely.

Love reaches heights that no other thing can compare with, but it's cold and it's lonely up there.

The moon is cold and lonely.

Though you may fly me to it,

I don't want to be there alone.

I think that's all for now..

- Nasia