Today I sort of realized something. Never ask me how I feel too much. I might not necessarily tell you exactly what I'm actually feeling all the time. I won't lie, but I won't tell you what you probably need to hear. If anything, I'll give you some skewed version of what I really feel hidden beneath a layer of nonsense that I can arrange into a logical pattern that a person will either believe or get flipped upside down and confused trying to figure out. Many times, when it's simply an emotion like sadness or anger, it'll be fairly obvious. When it's about those types of feelings that are deeper in the heart though, the ones I'm more vulnerable with, and am more confused about, try to ask only once. To simply ask puts the idea into my head that you are thinking about these things. This in turn causes me to think about these things a bit more and a bit differently. But to ask more than once or too often can become pestering. If you ask and ask and ask, I will think too much and well, if you are learning about me from this blog or already know me pretty well, you know that I think a LOT and when I think too much, things get crazy for me. So try not to pester me with questions of how I feel. If I want you to know exactly how I feel, you will know. If you are confused, I probably am, too. Or I'm stuck in my head trying to figure it out. Ask before I figure it out and you will get a fetus of an answer. Hm...it's funny...in elementary school they teach us happy, sad, angry, nervous, and other such simple words to explain how we feel. Sometimes I feel like to use one of these words would make explaining how I feel so much easier, but people don't want to hear "Oh, I'm just sad." No. They want to hear "I'm upset because blah blah blah." When I am asked how I feel, from now on, I'm going to try to match my emotion to one of these words and give my answer without explanation. And if I'm asked "well, why are you so ___?" I'm going to say "because life gave me ____ and told me to _____ today." Be it a lemon, a lime, an orange, or lemonade, or whatever else life might hand me that would cause my feelings to be questioned. Right now, I feel pretty happy. Why? Because life gave me my cake and let me eat it today.
The End,
<:3 )~
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
Lack of Teeth
For the second time that I can remember, I dreamed my teeth were falling out. Beside that it may have been due this time to the fact that I was laying on the floor and woke up with a side of my face feeling a bit numb and my teeth kind of hurting, this is also what I found out about these kinds of dreams...
Hasta la pasta,
Mouse <:3 )~
"Dreams of falling teeth are the most common dreams that Dream Moods receives. The typical dream scenarios include having your teeth crumble in your hands, fall out one by one with just a light tap, grow crooked or start to rot. Such dreams are not only horrifying and shocking, but they often leave you with a lasting image of the dream. So what does it mean?Based on today's events, either of these explanations are appropriate. To start, I drove all the way to my cousin's house to take her to work with me only to realize I didn't have the keys to the shop door. So I go home and get them. Making my way back to the shop I realize I don't have the towels. Actually, I didn't even wash them. Get to the shop and they barely have any towels usable for cleaning with, but we couldn't even clean the back because some machines were getting worked on. So we clean and we leave. I get home and start the washing of the towels. Once they're done, we go to the gas station and are on our way to the shop to give them the towels because they need clean towels. But OH! The towels are NOT IN THE CAR! My fault. So we go back home, get the towels, drive back to the shop and drop them off. I get home and put some ground beef in the sink to thaw while I then promptly find my way to my room and become a lifeless slab of ground beef and fall asleep in the middle of the floor...not before finishing off that last blog which I barely remember writing. So I dream my teeth are falling out. I don't remember much, but I do remember looking in the mirror and seeing my front row of teeth still intact and thinking well at least I can still take pictures, but then they started falling out, too. I had like 5 teeth left when I finally woke up and my face kind of hurt. There was a guy and a woman in my dream, too, but I don't remember who they were. I'm eating some tacos now. My teeth are not falling out. But today hasn't been my day at all. I guess for every up there must be a down? Is this the downward spiral before the upward spring that is my birthday? Maybe? I hope so...
One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxieties about your appearance and how others perceive you. Your teeth help to convey an image of attractiveness and play an important role in the game of flirtation, whether it is flashing those pearly white, kissing or necking. Thus, such dreams may stem from a fear of rejection, sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. To support this notion, a dream research found that women in menopause report to have frequent dreams about teeth. This points to teeth dreams as being related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine. Teeth are an important feature to your attractiveness and how you are presented to others. Caring about how you look is natural and healthy.
Another rationalization for these falling teeth dreams may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxieties. Perhaps you feel that you are unprepared for the task at hand. However, you will find that your worries are unfounded in most cases. Sometimes what plays out in your mind is far worse than what is reality.
Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth symbolize power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream may be an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the importance of what you have to say."
Hasta la pasta,
Mouse <:3 )~
Complications Aside
Why does everything have to be so complicated? I started this blog to release my mind, but I don't even say everything I want to say all the time because I know people read it and I know people will judge no matter how much they say they won't. I know every line will be taken as it is written and nothing anyone can say can change what's on the internet...right? Well, I'm ignoring all of those unwritten rules and I'm saying it all right now. Complications aside...
If you haven't read much of my blog or just haven't understood that a lot of it is about my ex, well now you know, a lot of it is about my ex and the problems I've had since we broke up. What better of a place to talk about it than on the internet right? Wrong. But I do it anyway. Why girls need to talk about things of that sort is unknown to me, but if we don't talk about it, we act about it and those are the girls that guys call things that I disapprove of. Anyway, since the break up, I've tried dating. The kind where you meet someone, go to dinner or an arcade or movies or all or some combination of them and you get to know each other. Through all of it I only have one real idea, is this someone I can eventually live with? See, I'm not the type to go casual dating for years and make a real relationship with someone that I can already feel I'm not THAT into. Every decision has to be a step forward. So, a lot of these little dates have become cool friends. I'm not sure if they're okay with that, but I am. I've always had an abundance of male friends. I don't know why, but it's how it is. I relate to them better than I do with most other girls I suppose. Any who, I'm very picky. I didn't know this at first, but I know this now. And I think I should be picky. Everyone should be picky, but of course, I won't let being picky keep me from possibly being happy with someone. But yea, sometimes I encounter a male that I think I may actually want to move forward with, but then complications occur. It's been difficult getting close to people since I was hurt. And it hasn't even been a year since it happened. Mentally, I understand what's going on, but it doesn't mean it's any easier to begin anew again. So I come across someone I kinda like. He likes me, too. What a strange predicament right? Very. He liked me ALOT. Too much even. Or at least, he showed it too much. Weird? Yes. And very confusing to a lot of men. Girls complain about guys not showing they care so how is it possible to show it too much? Well, girls don't like it to be too easy, just as much as guys wouldn't want an easy girl. Simple, but not easy. Because then anyone can get her, right? Maybe. In the beginning, you can't be all about her at first. You can be in love, but the minute you tell her, if she's not that far, you might scare her away. Which is what happened. Also, the words vs. actions idea. When you say one thing and do another, the world becomes very confusing; especially if you don't know that you're doing that. In my mental state at the time, it was too much to deal with. I wanted a partner, a buddy, a boyfriend without the mental stress of having to actually think about doing something all the time. Someone that I blogged about before. Someone I could cuddle with and hang with and be happy with. Someone that would worry about you without saying it. That cared without smothering you. That you could rely on and that would also rely on you, but wouldn't stress you out. And the thing is, you wouldn't go looking for another guy, nor he for another girl. You'd be together without the "problems". Anyway, things were happening that I wasn't ready for and I had to stop it. And I was getting frustrated with it, which isn't good, but then things got kind of strange. Really strange for me actually. Every moment was just awkward between us for me, which tends to happen when I know someone really likes me and I don't as much. And even in this awkwardness, I was getting a bit frustrated. I don't know how to explain why it was happening, but it was happening. Maybe for the same reason I could never be friends with my ex the same way again. It's difficult going backwards once you've gone so far forward.
Well, all the while that this was beginning to end, I met another someone. We talked for a few days and then he kind of just stopped. I thought he was cool until that happened. Potential. Lost. I'd began to give up again. And then another came around. All this time I was also supposed to be staying single, which I am. I told my best friend to slap me or do the internet equivalent of slapping me or have my brother slap me if I even thought about being in a relationship until next year or at least my birthday or something. And then my mom proposes the notion that neither me nor my brothers can have a bf/gf until we have established ourselves better. What a great idea. So knowing that my mom was also running this picture kept me off of thinking about it for a bit and gave me more RAM to process other thoughts like work. I got an internship with a game studio and have actually been doing work with them. The FX studio I was originally supposed to be working for actually lost their project before I was even given any work to do for them. Good thing I made the decision I did to join this other place.
Well, while this internship was making its way into my life, so was someone else. And he lives pretty pretty far at the moment, but he's moving out here soon. My thoughts? This is great. I can get to know him without worrying about the whole "taking it further" business because I refuse to go through another long distance relationship, even though he IS moving to Cali soon. But either way, this way, I can get to know him first and then even more so when he actually moves out here because I am very hands on and I suppose physically oriented so until I'm actually in someone's presence and able to observe them, it's difficult to know exactly how I actually feel. Observing someone might sound creepy, but it's how I get to know people better. I haven't consciously experienced this before, but I think a person's body language makes a huge difference in whether or not I'm attracted to them. I suppose it goes back to that whole actions vs. words dilemma. The way someone walks tells me more than the words they tell me do. Makes sense to me...but uh, yea, so I'm kind of waiting for him to get out here to make any real decisions. I mean, I like him quite a bit. If you didn't know this you do now. He's been the inspiration to some of my songs and even a few raps/poems. I can't tell the difference anymore.
The only thing is...it's easier to bait my heart from afar, but even still it can be difficult. Sweet words are very enticing, but I know better now. It kinda sucks that it's that way, but it's safer for my own sake. The mere fact that I am even allowing it should say enough, and though I haven't really established myself much better than before beside that I now have actual work to take some of my time, I feel I can still establish a base to a real friendship that can become more. I don't mean friend zone friendship, I mean a trusting and sincere relationship with another human being. I guess the weird thing with me is that I put everyone in the "friend zone" first. It's more of an evaluation stage. I mean...who would make a better boyfriend than a really good friend? Right? Idk. That's how I've always been with it though. My feelings usually grow when people don't even know that I have them at all. That way they are entirely my own. No influence from the outside world. I've always been chased by people. So it kind of doesn't work when someone else suddenly tells me they like me and I don't already like them as much. I suppose it can be said I wear the pants. Idk. I just don't like to be pushed further than I'm ready to go. It actually makes me fall back further. I retreat when that happens. So if I can sort of take the lead, things only happen when I'm ready for them. The problem with this is if the other gets impatient and tried hinting at moving forward. I can take a hint and I will see it as trying to push forward and I will retreat. It's simple to me. I guess not to others. I take things really slow now and I understand why. The one time things seemed to be going good, they were actually going way too fast and fell apart. And when I tried a later time, things were going too fast and I was uncomfortable and ran away from it. It's a simple pattern. So I go slow. And I don't believe it's ever too late to jump ship. If I don't feel okay, I will take my life jacket and jump ship, whether there be sharks in the water or not. I'll deal with them when I get there, unless the captain doesn't mind paddling me back to shore, which never happens that way. No captain wants to paddle all the way back to shore to let go of their crew.
I'm getting off subject, whatever subject is...but I've been stressing lately. Mostly because of some new, but temporary responsibilities I was given. It's almost over now though. It wasn't so bad, but it was enough. Dunno why I'm even thinking about relationships and what not. I need to get to business. Birthday. Don't fail me.
If you haven't read much of my blog or just haven't understood that a lot of it is about my ex, well now you know, a lot of it is about my ex and the problems I've had since we broke up. What better of a place to talk about it than on the internet right? Wrong. But I do it anyway. Why girls need to talk about things of that sort is unknown to me, but if we don't talk about it, we act about it and those are the girls that guys call things that I disapprove of. Anyway, since the break up, I've tried dating. The kind where you meet someone, go to dinner or an arcade or movies or all or some combination of them and you get to know each other. Through all of it I only have one real idea, is this someone I can eventually live with? See, I'm not the type to go casual dating for years and make a real relationship with someone that I can already feel I'm not THAT into. Every decision has to be a step forward. So, a lot of these little dates have become cool friends. I'm not sure if they're okay with that, but I am. I've always had an abundance of male friends. I don't know why, but it's how it is. I relate to them better than I do with most other girls I suppose. Any who, I'm very picky. I didn't know this at first, but I know this now. And I think I should be picky. Everyone should be picky, but of course, I won't let being picky keep me from possibly being happy with someone. But yea, sometimes I encounter a male that I think I may actually want to move forward with, but then complications occur. It's been difficult getting close to people since I was hurt. And it hasn't even been a year since it happened. Mentally, I understand what's going on, but it doesn't mean it's any easier to begin anew again. So I come across someone I kinda like. He likes me, too. What a strange predicament right? Very. He liked me ALOT. Too much even. Or at least, he showed it too much. Weird? Yes. And very confusing to a lot of men. Girls complain about guys not showing they care so how is it possible to show it too much? Well, girls don't like it to be too easy, just as much as guys wouldn't want an easy girl. Simple, but not easy. Because then anyone can get her, right? Maybe. In the beginning, you can't be all about her at first. You can be in love, but the minute you tell her, if she's not that far, you might scare her away. Which is what happened. Also, the words vs. actions idea. When you say one thing and do another, the world becomes very confusing; especially if you don't know that you're doing that. In my mental state at the time, it was too much to deal with. I wanted a partner, a buddy, a boyfriend without the mental stress of having to actually think about doing something all the time. Someone that I blogged about before. Someone I could cuddle with and hang with and be happy with. Someone that would worry about you without saying it. That cared without smothering you. That you could rely on and that would also rely on you, but wouldn't stress you out. And the thing is, you wouldn't go looking for another guy, nor he for another girl. You'd be together without the "problems". Anyway, things were happening that I wasn't ready for and I had to stop it. And I was getting frustrated with it, which isn't good, but then things got kind of strange. Really strange for me actually. Every moment was just awkward between us for me, which tends to happen when I know someone really likes me and I don't as much. And even in this awkwardness, I was getting a bit frustrated. I don't know how to explain why it was happening, but it was happening. Maybe for the same reason I could never be friends with my ex the same way again. It's difficult going backwards once you've gone so far forward.
Well, all the while that this was beginning to end, I met another someone. We talked for a few days and then he kind of just stopped. I thought he was cool until that happened. Potential. Lost. I'd began to give up again. And then another came around. All this time I was also supposed to be staying single, which I am. I told my best friend to slap me or do the internet equivalent of slapping me or have my brother slap me if I even thought about being in a relationship until next year or at least my birthday or something. And then my mom proposes the notion that neither me nor my brothers can have a bf/gf until we have established ourselves better. What a great idea. So knowing that my mom was also running this picture kept me off of thinking about it for a bit and gave me more RAM to process other thoughts like work. I got an internship with a game studio and have actually been doing work with them. The FX studio I was originally supposed to be working for actually lost their project before I was even given any work to do for them. Good thing I made the decision I did to join this other place.
Well, while this internship was making its way into my life, so was someone else. And he lives pretty pretty far at the moment, but he's moving out here soon. My thoughts? This is great. I can get to know him without worrying about the whole "taking it further" business because I refuse to go through another long distance relationship, even though he IS moving to Cali soon. But either way, this way, I can get to know him first and then even more so when he actually moves out here because I am very hands on and I suppose physically oriented so until I'm actually in someone's presence and able to observe them, it's difficult to know exactly how I actually feel. Observing someone might sound creepy, but it's how I get to know people better. I haven't consciously experienced this before, but I think a person's body language makes a huge difference in whether or not I'm attracted to them. I suppose it goes back to that whole actions vs. words dilemma. The way someone walks tells me more than the words they tell me do. Makes sense to me...but uh, yea, so I'm kind of waiting for him to get out here to make any real decisions. I mean, I like him quite a bit. If you didn't know this you do now. He's been the inspiration to some of my songs and even a few raps/poems. I can't tell the difference anymore.
The only thing is...it's easier to bait my heart from afar, but even still it can be difficult. Sweet words are very enticing, but I know better now. It kinda sucks that it's that way, but it's safer for my own sake. The mere fact that I am even allowing it should say enough, and though I haven't really established myself much better than before beside that I now have actual work to take some of my time, I feel I can still establish a base to a real friendship that can become more. I don't mean friend zone friendship, I mean a trusting and sincere relationship with another human being. I guess the weird thing with me is that I put everyone in the "friend zone" first. It's more of an evaluation stage. I mean...who would make a better boyfriend than a really good friend? Right? Idk. That's how I've always been with it though. My feelings usually grow when people don't even know that I have them at all. That way they are entirely my own. No influence from the outside world. I've always been chased by people. So it kind of doesn't work when someone else suddenly tells me they like me and I don't already like them as much. I suppose it can be said I wear the pants. Idk. I just don't like to be pushed further than I'm ready to go. It actually makes me fall back further. I retreat when that happens. So if I can sort of take the lead, things only happen when I'm ready for them. The problem with this is if the other gets impatient and tried hinting at moving forward. I can take a hint and I will see it as trying to push forward and I will retreat. It's simple to me. I guess not to others. I take things really slow now and I understand why. The one time things seemed to be going good, they were actually going way too fast and fell apart. And when I tried a later time, things were going too fast and I was uncomfortable and ran away from it. It's a simple pattern. So I go slow. And I don't believe it's ever too late to jump ship. If I don't feel okay, I will take my life jacket and jump ship, whether there be sharks in the water or not. I'll deal with them when I get there, unless the captain doesn't mind paddling me back to shore, which never happens that way. No captain wants to paddle all the way back to shore to let go of their crew.
I'm getting off subject, whatever subject is...but I've been stressing lately. Mostly because of some new, but temporary responsibilities I was given. It's almost over now though. It wasn't so bad, but it was enough. Dunno why I'm even thinking about relationships and what not. I need to get to business. Birthday. Don't fail me.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Breaking (It) Down
Is it really progress when you can still fall back into the same hole over and over? I'm not angry anymore. And not exactly sad either. Well, sort of. I had a dream...or nightmare. Whichever you prefer to call it. He came back and I let him. Would I do that in real life? I'd like to say no. I'd like to say I'm done with it as I have before, but that's not entirely how I feel anymore. When I was sad, in the beginning, I probably would have said yes in an instant. When I was angry, I probably would have stabbed him at the very thought of it. And now, I don't know what now. I've evaluated it all and I feel like there was no sense in being so angry beside that he hurt me. Shouldn't that be enough to say no forever? Not at all...because forgiveness changes those things. I tried talking to him again not too long ago. One of those "hey how have you been" kind of conversations. Catching up on what's been going on in the past months outside of any kind of relationship talk. That was ok. Nothing happened. But until someone comes along and completely cures me of this addiction/curse/disease, I can only keep the symptoms down temporarily before they find themselves terrorizing me again. Many will try. Someone will succeed. Good luck.
Stay strong,
Mouse <:3 )~
Stay strong,
Mouse <:3 )~
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Blogs, Glee, and Love
I've realized that I love that I have ranted about the things that I have in my blog; especially the things about love and the things that allow me to imagine exactly what it is I'm trying to explain. Some of my entries help me to remember exactly what it is I used to have and why I wanted it so badly and even injects a little bit of it back into me. Glee does that for me as well. It has become what Disney movies have always been for me. It's my life juice. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. It feeds me what I need. It gives me that passion outside of my everyday life to live in and be a part of and restores those feelings of happiness that I only get from those corny moments. Lately, I've been noticing people around me that really show how in love they are with each other and I'm not disgusted by their overused romance lines or goofy smiles at each other. I don't even care how cliche it is. I'm inspired by them. Even some of my younger cousins seem to have grasped this feeling and hold on to it so well. What is love more than a pattern of hormones triggered by nerves reacting to some sensory recognition? It's an idea that there is something more. Period. Whether or not it is necessary for evolution that one being fall in love with another being, it is something that people experience. Many question the validity of such a theoretical idea, but the mere fact that I've experienced it more than once, tells me that it is something real. Love might be intangible, but it is there. As is gravity and time. How do we know there is gravity? We let go of a pencil and it falls. How do we know there is time? There is a change in the world that happens right before our eyes; nothing is simply static forever. And so how do we know there is love? We watch Glee and Disney movies and write blogs and read stories and doodle in the back of our notebooks the name of some girl or guy that we for one reason or another can't simply remove from our minds. It is very often that I am inspired by love. Most of my songs are inspired by love; whether it be gained or lost or simply just felt or imagined. I've noticed since my blog about what love actually is, I haven't really cared so much to know again. Maybe because I'm too busy being excited for my birthday and the new season of Glee. I'm almost curious if I've annoyed anyone on facebook with my gleek nonsense. Almost curious. Oh, and you know what? I think I have a female celebrity crush on Lea Michele. Hahaha. Sorry, Angie. :P
Hasta la pasta!
Mouse <:3 )~
Hasta la pasta!
Mouse <:3 )~
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