This Isn't Me

I'm not as strong as I used to be

Or maybe this is more difficult than I could have ever imagined

You can never prepare yourself for something like this

So why do I continue to try? To worry?

Why do phone calls make me anxious and depressed?

Why does anything oustide my usual routine fill me with bad thoughts?

Even after reassurance, I worry.

Nothing is in our control.

Am I losing control?

Or the illusion of control?

What's changed?

That's it.

I've lost control.

My imaginary world of control has been shattered and I'm lost.

I try leaving it to religion, to family, to love, to work, to hobbies, to distractions,

But it eats away at me.

My heart breaks too much

I've gained so much in my life

But I feel like none of it is worth what I've lost

At least not when I'm like this.

And as difficult as it is to hold in.

It's even more difficult to release

To talk about

To explain.

To ask for help.

But by myself I go crazy.

But I don't want to bring everyone down.

This isn't me.

This isn't Donasia.

I don't know what this is.

Pain.

I want to push everything away.

So I have nothing to worry about.

But what am I without you

My family and friends are what make me ME

I can't push it all away.

Besides, I'd probably just worry even MORE

Every time I see any one of them I take advantage of it.

It might not be visible

But every hug

I make sure I feel it

Every I love you

To every one of them

Maybe if I keep releasing the love, I won't feel the pain.

But when there is no one to show any love,

When it's just me,

It comes back.

When I sleep.

When I shower.

I have to stay occupied

My mind left to its own conventions is breeding ground for the worst inventions

Why?

This isn't me...

Life

is too short for anger and tears.

Too fast for closed eyes and closed ears

Life takes what it wants and doesn't return

And it rarely ever gives you what you truly deserve

But something about life tells us it's worth it

Running in all direction though our destination is predetermined

We're burning with life from the day we're born

If you're not busy living, what are you breathing for?

Life's too short to hold on to fears and regret

The things you put out determine the things you get

And if you make it to one point what's to stop your from rising higher

Every downfall's a minus but every step up is a multiplier

If you're not going forward, you're falling behind

There's only one button buddy, and it's not rewind.

A Prayer

Lord,

You have never steered me wrong.

In your hands I lay my heart.

With your help I will be strong.

From me, this pain shall part.

I put all my trust in you.

And I will worry no longer

Whatever you ask, I'll do.

For you make me stronger.

And Lord I know I'm a sinner

Forever grateful for your forgiveness

I need you now more than ever

To help cure this world of sickness

Not colds Lord I mean hate

I know you see it from your seat above

I'm not trying to spread the faith

Just want to infect the world with love

Lord I see you taking your angels home

A few you've accepted from my family

I know they sit beside you on your throne

I know they greeted you happily

Their lives put hope in the fallen

And their love for this world was immense

Lord I'm following their calling

So let's let this healing commence

My heart and soul are at your fingertips

I know they're only mine to borrow

So let them be like cargo ships

And bring love to this world of sorrow.

Sugar Sync

Ehhhh..

It's like dropbox I suppose.

I have yet to try it fully, but it sounds cool.

You start with 5gb of space and get 500mb for each person you add. Perty nice.

Click Me :)

Method of Happiness

If you want to be happy, there will be people that don't agree with your method of happiness...


to be continued...

Decisions

Why do we make the choices we choose to make?

...

In the past few months I've learned one very strong lesson: You only have one life and it isn't promised.

You have to live your life the way you want to live it because you only get one so far as we know.

In the past few days I've made a few choices that some people look down on me for.

(I have to remember to come back to that statement for some detailed ranting.)

I have one life and I do all that I can to be happy in this very moment. My decisions now may or may not cause regrets later, but who knows if I'll even be around later to regret those decisions?

I choose to do what I want to do and I don't let anyone hold me back from my desires because this is MY life.

If I make a mistake I'll suffer for it and I move on.

I didn't get on this "pedestal" from holding back.

Today I heard a very great quote. "All progress is due to the unreasonable man."

If my logic is unreasonable to you, then so be it. It has brought me to great places.

I'm pretty sure lot's of people think God is unreasonable and look what he has done...

Da Vinci, Einstein, all of those "crazies" that are now magnificent.

My point...what was it...it doesn't matter.

God has taken many angels from my world;

Most of them in the past few months.

And I know they lived their lives doing what made them happy no matter what anyone else thought.

They took responsibility for their mistakes and always lived for the here and now.

If this is what will make me happy right now, then this is what I will do.

And I know that I have a huge family and lot's of friends full of support for everything I decide to do.

I can't help but feel like God is taking all his brightest lights to shine back before this year is over.

RIP Jayla and Gilani Taylor, Angelica Goins, and Ten Vazquez. <3

Heart-Headed

I think that's what people meant to say when the term "hard-headed" came about.

We fall and fall and fall, yet we never stop to think "Maybe this isn't a good idea. I'm going to stop."

And even if we do think that, our hearts quickly take over and make us do what it wants to do.

Even after following all the things I told myself I would follow,

My heart will still have it's way.

I'm stubborn.

My heart is stubborn.

"It's crazy how your heart just has a mind of its own." - Luke James

Yes, yes it is crazy.

...

<:3 )~
Mous3