That Feeling

I miss that feeling of being in love...looking in someone's eyes, or hearing their voice, or feeling their touch and just filling up with warmth until it explodes from your ears and finger tips. I know I'm keeping myself from relationships right now, but I miss that feeling. I miss going to sleep and feeling complete comfort. And it's weird, because the last time I was in love, I was the only one in it, but the rare occasions where I actually feel there were two of us and not just me are absolutely amazing. Simple moments in a day that would make my entire week feel like I just won the lottery. Feeling like the whole world could explode and I'd be completely happy as long as I was with that person when it happened. Being away for a weekend and feeling their warmth against you after just 2 days of being apart. Being away for a month and falling in love 50 times over again just seeing them on your computer screen.

I want that feeling back so badly right now...

Every now and then I get a taste of it in a song...from the voice of a street performer that may or may not have exchanged flirty glances with me...in poetry...in movies...

That feeling was stolen from me when this year started and I've been struggling with the side effects of the "withdrawal" for a lot longer than I expected.

I'm tired of being upset and angry and of crying tears that flow nowhere.

I have my heart back from the thief and I've locked it up for safe keeping. And I've realized that it takes a lot more than simply doing what I hope you would do to get my heart. I guess I've learned that I'm very picky. And I feel like I deserve to be. There was a time that I didn't care so much, but after two major scars from people telling you that you deserve everything you want and need, it's difficult to simply turn around and pretend you don't want to have everything you want. If this person that is everything I want supposedly really exists, why not pick everything apart until he's found?

...and when he's found...

IF I open my heart to him...

I'll just say that a third time might turn the intensity of my earthquake to a level unmeasurable on the Richter Scale.

Anger was never something I was very familiar with. I don't like it, but the more I encounter it, the less patience I have for the people that cause it.

*sigh*

I'm both tired of love and in need of it...such a dilemma is love.

later days,
mouse

Relationships

I don't like repeating myself more than twice when I know someone has a higher mental capacity than an 8 year old. Anyone reading this needs to know and make it known to anyone that might be interested that I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP right now. I don't want to think about relationships. I don't want to worry about someone wanting to be in a relationship with me. I don't want anyone to wait for me to want to be in a relationship. It's like, if I wanted you to wait for me, I might as well just be with you. Idk...

I've never been the type to like being chased. It happens too often. People fall for me or have crushes on me, and I appreciate that people like me, but it doesn't work for me. I don't like guys drooling at my feet waiting at my every beckon and call. That might be other girls' wishes, but it's not mine. Just be you. Be my friend. Do what you do. And if you happen to catch my interest, then I'll make it known. Also note that just because I have shown an interest, it doesn't guarantee anything. Sometimes showing an interest ruins the way a person acts and then things just get weird. But that's only sometimes. And I have been rejected before. And I have been heart broken. More than once for both of those and I don't like making others feel that way so in the event I have to say no to your requests, don't make it harder on me, please. It'll only make it worse for everyone.

Any who, I don't like being pursued very obviously. You gotta be a ninja. Don't tell me you're after me. Just sneak into my heart by being yourself and going with the flow. If I haven't said anything directly related to wanting to hold your hand or kiss you or be with you or the like, then I probably don't want to. That doesn't mean I never will. But it also doesn't mean I ever will. It just means you're my friend. And it doesn't mean you're not "good enough" for me because if I'm hanging out with you, you're "good enough." You're just not who I want to date.

What else can I cover in this...

Oh, buying me stuff and paying for things won't win you brownie points. I appreciate it very much, but you can't buy me. The only thing you can do is be yourself and hope you catch my attention. There really is no other factor. If you try to change for me, you've already made a mistake. I know what the things I ask for are, but in the beginning, things need to go slow. Just be my friend. When you see me going out of my way for you or trying to hold your hand without you trying to hold mine or asking about your day all the time or texting you randomly and often, then you will know where my heart is.

Actually, even better, if I make one of those corny lame statuses on facebook about it, then you really know where my heart is. And then you can do all those things you've been dying to do. Let me know that you know my birthday and my favorite color or whatever else because I probably know yours, too if I'm really into you. Otherwise, I just kinda like you and I want to see how things are. I don't like rejecting people and so I can sometimes put myself in situations that I'd rather not be in. If I'm not putting forth any effort, it's probably for the above stated reason.

I think that's enough for now.

Peace,
Mouse

Defense?

I did some "enhancement painting" on these two pictures:

 

I think they say a lot about each other...


O._.O Mouse

Forgive

I have found myself wanting to truly and honestly forgive him that caused most of the things this blog has become centered around. I guess that's a big step forward. Maybe one day I'll muster up the will to talk to him again. I'm tired of being angry and all misshapen. Until then, and probably a while longer, I'm keeping away from that thing called love...or I should say, I'm not making any effort at all to find it.

Also, anyone that wants to try to find it in me, your attempts may be futile for about another 6 months. I'm not the type to be "woo'ed" so, just be my friend and hope for the best. You gotta be a ninja to get through to my heart. Sneak up on it or something. Idk. I just know the usual stuff like blatantly telling me you like me doesn't always work as well as you'd hope.

Anyway, I think that's all I want to say for now.

Peace and stuff,
Mouse

The Body Tree

Wrote this today...then painted the background in photoshop.

Depressed?

I think I'm depressed because I'm disappointed with my current level of work ethic and passion (or lack of either) and until I figure that out, I won't be able to allow myself any sort of partnership. I'm unhappy with myself and no one beside me can fix that. I need to lock myself up in my Batcave and hack out something amazing before I lose all will to exist.

BBL,
Mouse

Horoscope - July 13, 2011

You could be leaving on a spiritual journey that's just for you today. You are exploring ways to reclaim your power, but the current dynamics might not support your growth. Don't try to manipulate circumstances in your favor. Your strength will return naturally as you rediscover your metaphysical center of gravity. Realign with your core values and exhibit the highest integrity possible in all that you do.

It's so weird...Horoscopes are weird.