To Mom and Dad

This started out as something entirely different, and then it transformed into what is written below...

I spend so much time doing me
I hardly have time for you
I know you know it's nothing personal
Not what I mean to do

And I know you understand
Cause' you've been through this all before
Yea, you've witnessed this and more
Through your sickness, health, and for

As long as I can remember
You've made it through it all
With grace and poise and dignity
You taught me how to fall

And rise again tomorrow
Through darkness, shine, or rain
I hope one day when I have kids
I can teach them to do the same

Cause though you were years ahead of me
I'm walking in your steps
And you showed me what you learned from life
So I know what to expect

I wouldn't be where I am today
If you hadn't shown me how to
And I'm still not entirely sure
How I've continued on without you

Because that day was inevitable
And it's painful to put to words
You were more than the parents I needed
You were the parents that I deserve

- Bruce

Dream: Military Locker Room

I had this dream last night:

so, the dream starts with me on a bus with a bunch of people. some i know. some i've never seen before. of the people i know, there's Julia from work and a few of my friends from middle school and high school: rochelle, joanna, randi, and some that i knew their faces but couldn't remember their names

we arrive at a compound place with fences and flags and tanks and stuff
that's when i realize we all enlisted i nthe military
then i got excited

the dream skipped to the beginning of our training, we had temporary lockers in this little room where we put our stuff and got dressed in these dark blue khaki pants and white shirts like the breathable athletic type
and we had finger-less gloves. i don't remember much what we did once we got out into the pretend city that was set up

just lots of fake explosions and getting really dirty

then we went back to the locker room where they gave us the combinations to our new lockers in the main locker room, which was like a giant maze city of lockers

they even had gangs based on what your locker aisle or area was

my locker was 324

so i went looking for it, but the lockers weren't really in order.
they were in the general numbered area you'd expect but then you had to really search for the locker after that by looking at each one at a time.

so i put my stuff in my locker finally and went to go shower as new clothes was brought to each locker area, just piles of different sized shirts and pants and then the shoes were labelled with our names on the bottom like completely customized shoes.

when i was coming back from the shower i was just in more blue pants and white shirt because my new clothes hadn't arrived yet. i noticed this one girl following me. she was like a female version of that small leader kid in Ender's Game. white tank top, long pointy nose, dark black slick hair. and angry eyebrows.

eventually she came up to me all aggressive with these 2 big black girls on either side of her. she told me stop looking at her so i apologized and kept going back to my locker (which i had no idea where it was. i was pretty lost i nthe maze locker room)

the pointy nose girl tried to trip me but i brushed it off and kept walking. i think her name was priscilla

she got really mad and one of the black girls grabbed me from behind

then a girl that was hanging out up top of the lockers said "don't fret kid, she just likes you."

then priscilla got really red and angry and stormed off

she was embarrassed

i just said thanks and left to go find my locker

i swear i was searching everywhere. everything looked the same. the room was full of girls and clothes scattered everywhere.

then suddenly i was grabbed up by some more big girls and brought to this one area that looked like the locker room was turned into a post apocalyptic camp site

they brought me "inside" the area through a makeshift gate and there sat julia as the "leader" of this particular gang

she wanted something from me but i had no idea what and when i wouldn't hand it over they were going to do something to me but i ran before they could and she chased me

it was crazy running from her. i eventually had to jump up on the lockers and crawl through this vent to the other side of the locker room and jump out. then they gave up chasing me

i also fiiiinally found my locker again and got my new clothes and shoes and put them on. i felt like a badass

then my friends met up with me as well and people were high fiving me and i didn't understand why

then julia came out and i was going to run but then she smiled and gave me a hug and said welcome to the gang and gave me a patch. then the bell rang for us to get ready for training more and i woke up

I Am Not Unlimited...Yet

It's hard for me to say no to someone in need of my help when I know that I am able to help them.

I feel like I'm Earth and people are not only picking my fruits, but not watering the plants they get them from AND they aren't even eating the fruits.  They're just tossing them on the ground or something...

No, this isn't about actual fruits...

How do you show people that you aren't an infinite resource, but still be able to help them?

Especially when you rely on the result of the help you give them?

How do you change a situation that you can't leave and can't adapt to?

Ugh headache >_<

Peace n stuff,
Mous3

Dream: Scary Cave Baby

I had this dream last night:


so, dream starts with me laying on my back in a cave that looks like someone made it into somewhat of a house

my knees are propped up and a few people are looking down at me smiling

then one turns and hands me a little baby and immediately i know what's happening. i just had a baby. so i cradle him in my arms just smiling at him and saying hello my baby.

he had a little dark straight hair on his head and was pretty light. maybe as light as my real bf.

and he was round, but not fat. just baby fat and a little round face with plump cheeks

i don't know what i named him.

i kept calling him my baby

so the dream goes on and i feed him and read to him and i'm living in this cave apparently with this tall fairly thin looking guy and another guy that's my brother, but i don't really know either of them

idk how much time passes but the baby is about 1 now.

he can almost walk

he and i and my brother are laying on the bed just talking when the tall guy comes in and says "is he gonna do it today?" so i turn to my son laying next to me on his back

"hey my baby, how are you doing?" and the tall guy starts smiling and kneels down at the edge of the bed

"he looks just like his father"

i frown and at that point i realize i don't know who the father is in the dream. in my mind i don't know, but apparently i should know in the dream. but it was more like i was watching this other me.

and she knew. but i didn't know

and i guessed the father wasn't alive.

so then i rub his little chest and belly as he 's starting to wake up

and then his eyes open really wide

and his chest rises up and i sort of hug him because i'm scared

but he keeps rising until he's upright and floating a few inches above the bed.

and there's a grey glow around him

and his dark eyes are now completely blue. even the white is blue.

and my brother is staring at him scared.

and i'm scared shaking my head

and the tall guy is scared leaning against the corner of a cave wall like he backed away on his knees

and all i'm thinking is "no, my baby. why?" over and over.

then i wake up

The Best Version of Yourself

I came across this guy, Elliott Hulse, last night on YouTube. He talks a lot about becoming the best version of yourself and it has me thinking about some things.

Thing 1: I don't have a "real" career path or dream that I'm trying to attain. I don't have a "I want to do this particular thing for the rest of my life." Watching the few videos I have already, I've realized, I don't HAVE to have that something. I can have all the somethings that I have as long as I have a thing that will support me doing all of those other somethings. I can write, play guitar, piano, ukulele, do yoga, ride bikes, learn Italian, crochet, etc. I can do it all as long as there is something to support it.

At the end of the day, these things are the things that help me become a better version of myself.

That's all for now ^_^

- Mous3

The Holidays Aren't For Me

I read an article someone wrote about how marriage "isn't for him". It's for the person he's marrying.

This past year I made my own realization, similar to his.

The holidays aren't for me.

I don't think I even believe in the screwed up history behind all of them anymore.

All my life I've just been celebrating each one and going along with the traditions.

This year, they just didn't feel right.

I didn't feel the "Christmas spirit". I didn't feel exceptionally thankful. I'm not proud of my country. I don't even know what you're supposed to feel for halloween or easter, but nothing was as it used to be.

All year, I'm thankful.

All year, I'm giving.

All year, I appreciate my family, my friends, and my significant other.

And all year, I express these things.

I continue to follow each tradition for the people that I share them with. Not for me.

I don't need a special day for those things.

I know there are reasons beyond eating candy, turkey, and eggs, and giving gifts and shooting fireworks.

I know Christmas is "supposed" to be about Christ.

I know Independence Day should make me feel proud about my country, but honestly...

I don't believe in everything the bible says and I surely don't believe in everything said about/by/for this country.

I am grateful for what I've been able to experience in my life so far.

Whether it was granted to me by a divine being or fatefully pieced together by the miracle of atoms and evolution or some mixture of all of it,

I don't need Sundays to go to church. I'll pray/worship/meditate whoever, whenever and wherever I feel necessary.

It upsets me that in October, there are Christmas decorations already set out in the stores.

It upsets me that after a day that's supposedly about being thankful for what we have, people trample each other to buy more crap.

It upsets me that children grow up confused about the Easter Bunny, but even more so that there are children who starve. Hard-working children who wake up at 5 am to go to work, that may not have the luxury of knowing what an Easter Bunny even is.

Religion upsets me.

Politics upset me.

Entitlement upsets me.

The media and entertainment and all those people who would do ANYTHING just to tear someone else's life to pieces for any amount of money, upset me.

But what can I do?

I can write.

I can talk.

I can read.

I can think critically and think for myself.

I can be selfless and honest.

And hopefully one day I can teach someone else to do the same.

And teach them to teach others.

I'm tired of blindly following tradition and feeding into society and greed and hate.

I'm tired of "holidays".

- Mouse

Disconnected

I feel like I've come to a point where writing doesn't even get the point across anymore. People don't even read things fully anymore. They skim it. They get the gist of it, but they don't put the time or effort into understanding it. At least, not the same amount that you put into writing it out.

You know what, it's the same with talking to people, too. They just listen for the main points, but they don't care about the details. "You want me to paint the house yellow? Okay doing it now!" And you're still standing there trying to explain that it has to be a soft yellow because you don't want to be the brightest house on the block, but it's too late. They already ran off to paint the house yellow. Crayola yellow.

I try my best to really listen to people when they're telling me things. Sometimes, I get bored and I understand that happens. I understand that I may bore people sometimes as well. Everyone isn't going to be as enthusiastic about things as you are. Everyone isn't going to car about what you're saying. I think what I'm trying to say is care about the person who wrote the long paragraph for you to read or who wants to tell you this story they're so excited about.

People used to put the time in. I think things like Facebook and twitter have influenced people to be this way. They want something short and sweet and then scroll to the next one. They do it every day to the point that it's what they feel is normal and everything else is TLDR: Too Long Didn't Read.

This is happening to everything. Look at Vine. It's youtube for ADD kids. At one point, youtube used to be youtube for ADD kids. Just 7 seconds of your attention please! Is being so connected worth anything at all when you don't even care about the connections you're making?

Look at Justin Bieber. He's become a little asshole. Why? Because he doesn't care about his fans. He has millions of them. He spits on a few, oh well, there are a million more. He has no respect.

Media has no respect. They want to feed your hungry little duck lips with all the sweet junk they can cook up in their billion dollar office buildings. And you eat it up. Why do you eat it? You think it has some sort of substance and nutrients to sustain your life. To make you not "bored".

If you're bored, you're an idiot. End of story. READ A BOOK. LEARN SOMETHING. Take part in the things in life that uplift you as a person. Get interested in deeper things. You're bored because you're swimming in a puddle hoping to surf and scuba dive and see beautiful fish and coral reefs. You need a deeper body of water for things like that, buddy.

But you won't leave that puddle because society brings you a new rubber duck right before you do. They look for trends. They see when people are losing interest in things. They get paid to do this. They get paid WELL. You're bored? Here's our newest line of "Puddle Glitter". Now, your puddle sparkles in the daylight!

And just when that gets boring...wait! Now we have glow in the dark sparkles! So it sparkles at night, too!

You're all becoming a bunch of illiterates with an attention span shorter than your favorite Vine video. I bet you just skip to your favorite parts, right? Your favorite part of 7 seconds?

Why do you think we have the term "Grammar Nazi"? It's because the majority of people online has become unable to use proper grammar so they resort to name calling. Pick on the one that's "different"...even if different is better for you.

I'm done with this blog for now...

- Mous3