Worry

Worry.

Why do I do it?
A question I have a hell of a time answering.

Because I care?
Sure. But I care about a lot of things/people that I don't worry about.

Because I have trust issues?
No. I don't have trust issues. Not unless you give me a reason to have them. Innocent until proven guilty.

Because I'm a woman?
That's not a good enough reason to me.

I don't think anything will be a good enough reason.






...I don't want to worry.

And the more I do it, the worse its symptoms get.

What are its symptoms?
Well, they start with simple questions...

What did they last say they were doing?
What could be inhibiting communication?
When was the last time we spoke?

Most of it, I can get through with simple explanations that make complete sense to me.
Phones dying, lack of access to internet, dumb friends taking phones because "you text too much", etc.

But that's only the first stage.
After an hour or two later with still no hint of anything,
the questions return, with a few more "out there" questions, but the answers are still relatively easy.

Could something have happened?
Are the people they're with trustworthy?

The questions then elevate and the lack of answers causes this anxiety...

The whole time, trying to talk myself out of this insanity I'm creating in myself.

But I get all worked up and kind of scared even.

What if something did happen?
What do I do?
Why can't I just chill?

It drives me almost to insanity.

But then...





Then I get tired, angry, upset.
The answers to the questions don't matter anymore, but there better be a good explanation later.

I don't know what the results are if the explanation isn't good.

Because I usually get all worked up for no reason.

The whole event was established because of one of the first reasons I thought of.

But I can't help it.

A simple lack of access to long distance communication can create an entire world of insanity in my whole body.

Of course, distractions tend to highly suppress all of this, but sometimes they don't.
Sometimes I just go to bed and hope that I wake up to something amazing.

Sometimes I do.

Sometimes I just figure out how to let it go.




















But I don't like that option anymore.















And I hate the option of going to bed upset, but I guess it's not something completely new...












I don't worry about a lot, but the things/people I do worry about seem to exercise this muscle often enough to drive me a little crazy for some time.













The mouse hates nights like these. >__>

Moments

There are those moments you share with someone special that make you go "awww" and then there are those moments that make you go "damn..." Your heart stops or starts or does both or nothing at all. You really can't tell, but time freezes. You know that's for certain. You're suddenly the only two people in the world. And no matter how far you are, it's like you're locked inside of each other in a paradox of warmth.

There are also moments where you can see the color of the world of your special someone. Moments when you see through their eyes at the dim greyness that seems to be filling them and all you want to do is take a box of crayons, whether it be a pack of 4 or 256. You just want to put the color back in their world and you'd try everything.

These are the moments in which you grow together.

Deeper Purpose

You ever have a moment where you feel like you were put in someone's life for a specific reason or like they were put in yours for a reason. Like a deeper purpose than just to know each other. It's like a moment where it just sort of hits you like an epiphany where you're almost in an out of body experience and you're looking at yourself and you just feel like you were put here in this situation for more than just the surface reason.

What I'm getting at is, I've been put in Chula Vista with this awesome job with my brother, but it's been so much more than that. I've gotten to know my coworkers and all of course. But I've really gotten to know my boss, too. And I've found I really care about all of their lives. And it feels like between my brother and my boss there's this deeper relationship so much so that they remind me of each other. And I see how they are and their vulnerabilities and strengths. And I'm often in a position of observing their interactions or conversations and I'm a part of them as well, but I mostly just listen. And I really care about it all. I care about these people greatly and specifically with my brother and my boss, I feel like my presence in their worlds is both making me grow and somehow helping them, too. I don't feel like I'm just another employee or artist or something.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Hm...here's an example. One night my boss' wife drove me home from work and we were talking about random stuff and I was getting to know her and I was really interested and cared about what she was saying. And it felt really awesome to be a part of these peoples' lives. I'm not just a cog in this machine. And this machine is so much more organic than mechanic. It's just awesome.

I love this job and the people I work with. I'm extremely thankful for it all.

Thank You,
Donasia