Goals or something

In 2 Fridays I will be 22.

Before I turn 23, I want to make myself significantly better in as many ways as I can.

I want to know what it is I want to be doing for the next 5 or 10 years.

I want to be more flexible.

I want to be a better artist, musician, and writer.

How will this be measured?

Well, for the flexibility, it's fairly easy. I can't touch my toes without bending my knees and I can't do the splits either.

I want to be able to do both of these things before I turn 23 or at least be able to touch my toes.

I used to be able to.

I haven't been stretching...

The art is fairly easy to measure as my skill in drawing humans is lacking a lot.

I'll just compare my drawings for the next year and see if there's any improvement.

The same is said for my guitaring/keyboarding/singing...

I know that I am a better singer now than I was last year at this time. I wasn't even playing keyboard last year at this time so that's an improvement.

And my guitaring I don't feel like I've improved, but I know that I can a LOT and I want to.

I need to not be discouraged.

Or more so

I need to be encouraged.

As a kid, I would do things and my parents would be proud of it.

Now, it's kind of like I'm on my own for that.

But my work is not really anything I'm proud of anymore.

And no one else seems exceptionally fond of it.

My boyfriend likes it most of the time.

And his encouragement helps.

But I don't get it all the time.

Because he's far and busy getting his music and school together.

So, it's mostly just me for now.

...

I wonder if anyone even reads my blog anymore...

Besides myself...

Who knows...

It's hard to tell who really cares about your life you know?

I care about a lot of people.

I wish I could interact with more of them more often.

I don't know if they see me the same way.

I don't know if they are even the same person anymore.

But what I remember of them, I miss.

And what I see, I want to be a part of.

But most people like to jump in and out of my world as is convenient.

I hope Shakespeare wants to be around me all the time.

I hope I can call you Shakespeare.

If not, then you might be something more clever...

Something that fits who you are...

Can't wait to bring you home kitty...

Clarity

Why do people think that if they repeat something exactly the way they said it the first time,

that that is clearing it up?

I didn't understand what you wanted the first time you said it.

What makes you think I will understand when you say it the second time?

I keep asking questions because YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE!

I ask questions so that when you look at what I did,

there's no reason it should be wrong

because I did what you told me you wanted.

But if I don't even know what you want

because you don't know how to give proper direction,

you can't tell me I did something wrong.

You didn't even tell me what to do right in the first place.

That's like saying take you to your house,

even though I don't even know who you are.

And if I ask where it is or what it looks like you reply with "MY HOUSE.

It looks like MY HOUSE."

Yes.

I know...

AND WHAT THE HELL DOES YOUR HOUSE LOOK LIKE?!

aghh....

It's so frustrating...

When someone doesn't understand,

and you NEED them to understand,

you CLARIFY by giving new examples and explaining things in a DIFFERENT way.

You answer their question with a NEW ANSWER.

NOOOOTTT the exact same thing you said before...

>_<

headache...

Hello

I haven't blogged in a while, I know. I guess I haven't really had much to say. Or...everything I do want to say, I just say to my boyfriend because I can do that now. I can say whatever is on my mind right to a live person who actually cares instead of to possibly no one or worse, to someone who doesn't want to hear it. I've also said a lot to Twitter I guess. Most things are just...short...bleh I'm bored...

Peace,
Mouse

YOLOSoLo

I was gonna tweet this, but it ended up getting too detailed...

In relationships, you fight and argue and say things you don't mean and you talk and compromise and move forward because life is too short to be mad. It's too short not to just get through with the issue and continue to love each other. You learn your lesson. You don't need to be punished or given consequences. Your consequences are this disruption in your happiness so now that it's over, go be happy. Go love and grow and learn. People keep saying that annoying YOLO crap, but they're using it in all the wrong ways. It should be "Y.O.L.O.So.Lo." You only live once, so love. Love often and as much as you can. Appreciate things. Make it known that you do. Tell people that you think they are wonderful. Smile. Life is frikin difficult enough. Don't make yourself go through it angry or depressed. Ever notice how people always say FML at the worst times? Start saying BML or something similar when things go wrong, then maybe things will go a little more right (Bless My Life).

Trusis,
Mouse <:3 )~

P.S.: Yea, I think I'm crazy. Every few months the mood of my blogs go from this type of optimistic thing to "Who Am I? What Am I Doing With My Life?" But that's what I have to do to figure out how to get back to here.

When You Need It The Least

So often it seems
Life hands you the things you don't need
Right when you need it the least
Bruises on top of cuts just to spread the pain
You finally find your way and life changes the lanes

When I finally stand up,
My audience boos me to sit back down
If you can't respect what I feel,
Then don't choose me to stick around.

You'll lose me before you hear the sound
Of another heartbeat pound
In my chest

I strive only to be my best
Though I feel my best is never as good as the rest
I found out who I was
And I fight for her

If that means fighting you
Then so be it
Have a problem with me?
Show me it

Cause I'd rather take care of this right now
I'm ready to fight now
No more standing in the back taking all the shots
Not letting anyone dim this light now

Hope you don't mind if I step away from the mic now

Sometimes I get a little emotional
And it drives me insane
And I know I've got a sword on the tip of my tongue
So many dragons these words have slain

That's why I don't talk too loud, or too much, or too often
I don't know the volume of my own voice so my insecurities
Soften my vocal chords and I sound uncertain
But give me a mic a stage and maybe even a curtain
Though that's not really necessary

And I'll give you a thought from a heart
That life handed too many things it didn't need
Right when I needed it the least

Waiting?

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for things. Waiting for work to end. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting to see people. Waiting for events. At the same time, I feel like I do a lot. I work like 9 hours a day. I learn all sorts of things from crochet to keyboard. I write. I talk to people. I work out a bit. And then I still feel like I don't do anything at all. And I've been sleeping pretty poorly lately, too, which makes me super tired at work. I don't know what that's about. I haven't changed anything in my eating/sleeping cycle. It's like my body is exhausted but my mind is looking for something more. It's just eating everything up that I throw at it. I just get bored so quickly. I do something exciting and then it becomes boring after a while. And I feel like the time it takes to get boring is getting shorter. I'm excited for things in my future, but they seem to come and go so quickly or take forever. I get bored living in today. Yesterday, I was looking at my old blog posts...

Am I going crazy?

I keep asking that, but compared to all the other seemingly sane people, I feel like I must be crazy. I bet everyone feels that way. Probably...

I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I work all day and can't wait until I talk to my boyfriend at night.
I'm in San Diego all week and can't wait until the weekends when I go to Los Angeles to be with my family.

There's something with this routine that I've fallen into, this life I've created, that I'm unhappy with.

There has to be.

Beside that most everyone I love is too far, I don't know what it could be.

Maybe that's it.

I don't have people out here to see besides my coworkers and even they live a fairly far distance from me so it's not like I can chill with them.

All of my other friends are living their lives in far off places.

I'm going to go crazy if I don't take myself out of this routine and get some people in my life.

Why am I on facebook 24/7?

Because that's where the people I love are and it's my only connection to most of them.

I can't say "get a life" because I have a great one.

I just need...

more life...

or something...

I need more love surrounding me...

More ways to output my love.

Idk...


Chill,
Mouse

This Isn't Me

I'm not as strong as I used to be

Or maybe this is more difficult than I could have ever imagined

You can never prepare yourself for something like this

So why do I continue to try? To worry?

Why do phone calls make me anxious and depressed?

Why does anything oustide my usual routine fill me with bad thoughts?

Even after reassurance, I worry.

Nothing is in our control.

Am I losing control?

Or the illusion of control?

What's changed?

That's it.

I've lost control.

My imaginary world of control has been shattered and I'm lost.

I try leaving it to religion, to family, to love, to work, to hobbies, to distractions,

But it eats away at me.

My heart breaks too much

I've gained so much in my life

But I feel like none of it is worth what I've lost

At least not when I'm like this.

And as difficult as it is to hold in.

It's even more difficult to release

To talk about

To explain.

To ask for help.

But by myself I go crazy.

But I don't want to bring everyone down.

This isn't me.

This isn't Donasia.

I don't know what this is.

Pain.

I want to push everything away.

So I have nothing to worry about.

But what am I without you

My family and friends are what make me ME

I can't push it all away.

Besides, I'd probably just worry even MORE

Every time I see any one of them I take advantage of it.

It might not be visible

But every hug

I make sure I feel it

Every I love you

To every one of them

Maybe if I keep releasing the love, I won't feel the pain.

But when there is no one to show any love,

When it's just me,

It comes back.

When I sleep.

When I shower.

I have to stay occupied

My mind left to its own conventions is breeding ground for the worst inventions

Why?

This isn't me...