When You Need It The Least

So often it seems
Life hands you the things you don't need
Right when you need it the least
Bruises on top of cuts just to spread the pain
You finally find your way and life changes the lanes

When I finally stand up,
My audience boos me to sit back down
If you can't respect what I feel,
Then don't choose me to stick around.

You'll lose me before you hear the sound
Of another heartbeat pound
In my chest

I strive only to be my best
Though I feel my best is never as good as the rest
I found out who I was
And I fight for her

If that means fighting you
Then so be it
Have a problem with me?
Show me it

Cause I'd rather take care of this right now
I'm ready to fight now
No more standing in the back taking all the shots
Not letting anyone dim this light now

Hope you don't mind if I step away from the mic now

Sometimes I get a little emotional
And it drives me insane
And I know I've got a sword on the tip of my tongue
So many dragons these words have slain

That's why I don't talk too loud, or too much, or too often
I don't know the volume of my own voice so my insecurities
Soften my vocal chords and I sound uncertain
But give me a mic a stage and maybe even a curtain
Though that's not really necessary

And I'll give you a thought from a heart
That life handed too many things it didn't need
Right when I needed it the least

Waiting?

I feel like I spend a lot of my time waiting for things. Waiting for work to end. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting to see people. Waiting for events. At the same time, I feel like I do a lot. I work like 9 hours a day. I learn all sorts of things from crochet to keyboard. I write. I talk to people. I work out a bit. And then I still feel like I don't do anything at all. And I've been sleeping pretty poorly lately, too, which makes me super tired at work. I don't know what that's about. I haven't changed anything in my eating/sleeping cycle. It's like my body is exhausted but my mind is looking for something more. It's just eating everything up that I throw at it. I just get bored so quickly. I do something exciting and then it becomes boring after a while. And I feel like the time it takes to get boring is getting shorter. I'm excited for things in my future, but they seem to come and go so quickly or take forever. I get bored living in today. Yesterday, I was looking at my old blog posts...

Am I going crazy?

I keep asking that, but compared to all the other seemingly sane people, I feel like I must be crazy. I bet everyone feels that way. Probably...

I don't know what I'm waiting for.

I work all day and can't wait until I talk to my boyfriend at night.
I'm in San Diego all week and can't wait until the weekends when I go to Los Angeles to be with my family.

There's something with this routine that I've fallen into, this life I've created, that I'm unhappy with.

There has to be.

Beside that most everyone I love is too far, I don't know what it could be.

Maybe that's it.

I don't have people out here to see besides my coworkers and even they live a fairly far distance from me so it's not like I can chill with them.

All of my other friends are living their lives in far off places.

I'm going to go crazy if I don't take myself out of this routine and get some people in my life.

Why am I on facebook 24/7?

Because that's where the people I love are and it's my only connection to most of them.

I can't say "get a life" because I have a great one.

I just need...

more life...

or something...

I need more love surrounding me...

More ways to output my love.

Idk...


Chill,
Mouse