I'm not as strong as I used to be
Or maybe this is more difficult than I could have ever imagined
You can never prepare yourself for something like this
So why do I continue to try? To worry?
Why do phone calls make me anxious and depressed?
Why does anything oustide my usual routine fill me with bad thoughts?
Even after reassurance, I worry.
Nothing is in our control.
Am I losing control?
Or the illusion of control?
What's changed?
That's it.
I've lost control.
My imaginary world of control has been shattered and I'm lost.
I try leaving it to religion, to family, to love, to work, to hobbies, to distractions,
But it eats away at me.
My heart breaks too much
I've gained so much in my life
But I feel like none of it is worth what I've lost
At least not when I'm like this.
And as difficult as it is to hold in.
It's even more difficult to release
To talk about
To explain.
To ask for help.
But by myself I go crazy.
But I don't want to bring everyone down.
This isn't me.
This isn't Donasia.
I don't know what this is.
Pain.
I want to push everything away.
So I have nothing to worry about.
But what am I without you
My family and friends are what make me ME
I can't push it all away.
Besides, I'd probably just worry even MORE
Every time I see any one of them I take advantage of it.
It might not be visible
But every hug
I make sure I feel it
Every I love you
To every one of them
Maybe if I keep releasing the love, I won't feel the pain.
But when there is no one to show any love,
When it's just me,
It comes back.
When I sleep.
When I shower.
I have to stay occupied
My mind left to its own conventions is breeding ground for the worst inventions
Why?
This isn't me...
